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My husband and I recently had a conversation with my bpd daughter that didn’t go well and ended up being a rant about how terrible were were as parents and how she didn’t feel safe or loved by us. She ended the conversation and then sent a text asking us to be accountable for our behaviour,  validate her feelings and apologize for the way we treated her. Then asked that we have joint therapy with her.
In the past, therapy ended up with both me and my husband being blamed for our behaviours and my other daughter was also blamed for her role in my bpd daughter’s life. There was no resolution or help in moving forward, so it was a fail.Therapy hasn’t worked for us in the past.
We responded to the message by trying to validate her feelings and  apologized that we made her feel unloved and unsafe. My husband declined the therapy request. I also declined at this time because I am dealing with health issues, and frankly I need a mental reprieve to recover from the raging ranting behaviour. I said I might consider it in the future.

Just heard back from my daughter telling us how important therapy is and ignored my comment that I am trying to  address my health issues. She shared a story about how a 69 year old woman with multiple health issues went to therapy with her daughter. The message I took from this was that I should be able to deal with repairing the relationship whilst working on my own health. My daughter also said that she thought I was being insincere. Now I am really mad because I am feeling manipulated.
She was not happy that my husband declined and went on to tell him so.

Help, I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know how to move forward. Almost at the point of not wanting to move forward.

Hi StormCloud,

I would agree that your dd is trying to manipulate you. My udd would do the same....try to make me feel bad about something to  try to get her own way. I say that you should stick to your guns right now. You have already told your dd the reasons that you cannot participate in therapy right now which doesnt mean that you wont be more willing in the future, but she is doing the typical bpd thing of showing no empathy towards you which isnt fair. It is important to work on your own mental health right now. you owe it to yourself. Take care  :hug:

Thank you for that js friend

Hi there Storm,

I agree with you and the other poster that if you are in distress about your daughter and her relentless blaming of you, that you need to prioritize your own well-being.  I presume that your daughter is well into adulthood now, and so she's responsible for resolving her own issues.  I imagine that you've tried to validate her and apologize to her numerous times for things that might have transpired long ago, but she's unwilling to listen and to move on.  That's her problem, not yours.

I bet you understand that her anger isn't your fault, that you're not to blame for your daughter's ill feelings, and yet you are still the object of her anger, and it infects you, invading your thoughts for an extended period.  Your daughter is probably an expert at pushing your buttons, which might make you feel needless distress and guilt.  At the very least, you're tired of the same old story, the endless accusations of purported abuse (which typically aren't entirely based on fact), and the inability to move on.  You might wish she would just let go of the past, and let bygones be bygones.  But, maybe you could do the same?  Could you try "letting go" of your distress?  Maybe you say, you can't change the past, but you can find contentment with the present and look forward to a peaceful mind in the future.  If she lashes out at you, your boundary could be to think something along the lines of, I can't change the past so I'm not going to worry about it anymore.  I've done enough worrying about my daughter, and it hasn't done me or her any good, so I'm not doing that anymore.  If she sends a mean text, it doesn't deserve a response, so delete it, and with that, delete it from your mind as well.  If she's yelling at you on the phone, you might say, "If you're going to yell at me, I'm going to hang up," and if she continues, say, "Bye," (and say "Bye" to the conversation in your mind, too).  Just take her nastiness as a sign that something else is going on in her life right now that she needs to deal with, not you.

On other posts I've explained how I think that BPD engenders a victim attitude in its sufferers.  If BPD is untreated, the stresses of daily life are simply too much for her, and she can't handle the resulting overwhelming emotions.  The emotions need an outlet, and she will typically unleash her ill thoughts onto loved ones, especially her parents.  In her mind, she can't process exactly why she's in distress, let alone find the energy to tackle a problem.  She feels out of control, and like she doesn't have agency in her own life.  To cope, she dredges up ancient slights from childhood, in a misguided attempt to blame YOU for all her current problems.  She believes that an abusive childhood--one where you were unloving, threatening and invalidating--is the reason for all her current feelings of stress and overwhelm.  She's so invested in the victim identity that she can't let it go, because then, who would she be?  Whom could she blame for her own troubles?  Sadly, she may never find a satisfactory resolution.

Having said all that, I think it MIGHT be a good sign that she's seeking therapy.  Maybe she's trying to address her overwhelming emotions.  While it may be true that therapy didn't work so well for her in the past, maybe that was because she wasn't ready for a change.  It's hard to be sure if she's really trying to change now--maybe she recognizes that something is wrong, but she still thinks that everyone else has to change, not her.  I'm somewhat sympathetic, because change can be hard and scary, two aspects that are incredibly difficult for someone with BPD.  Anyway, I wonder if your daughter might have found a good therapist whom she trusts.  That could be a step in the right direction.  It may be that the therapist suggested family therapy, because BPD is in essence an social-emotional condition that deeply affects relationships.  And it may be that, if you attended a therapy session, your daughter would spend most of the time accusing you of purported past abuses.  But maybe the therapist would see a few positives:  that you were trying to support your daughter in developing a healthy relationship, that you didn't blow up in rage in response, that you added your own perspective to the situation.  Maybe you see something positive, too--you confirm that your daughter is fixated on telling stories about an abusive childhood, which means you're probably right about what she's dealing with, and her problem isn't something else like drug abuse, an unwanted pregnancy, infidelity, domestic violence or financial ruin.  Maybe your daughter is focusing on finding "resolution" of past issues, even if her notion of "resolution" is to "punish" you.  Maybe the therapist appears to side with your daughter, but the therapist might do that to build or retain her patient's confidence.  Maybe you might think that a therapy session was a waste of your time, but it could be part of a building block for your daughter.  Therapy for BPD typically takes months or years, and it could be hard to perceive material progress in just one session.

I'm just saying this because my stepdaughter has BPD, and she asked her dad to attend some therapy sessions jointly with her.  Initially, my stepdaughter didn't take therapy very seriously--a clear sign was that she would frequently skip scheduled sessions.  But eventually, she decided to take therapy seriously, and this was the phase when she had some joint sessions with her dad.  My husband says that though the sessions were intense, he thought the sessions were helpful to her.  Though she did retread some well-beaten paths of past slights from childhood, he said that he had a better idea of "where she was coming from;" recognizing her perspective was a first step in the healing process and getting some sort of "closure."  In addition, I think he added some of his own perspective, and helped to clarify some fact patterns with the therapist.  Now, I'm not saying my stepdaughter is fully "cured."  However, getting even partial "closure" about her childhood helped her move forward a little.  She's less obsessed about the past and is spending more time looking forward these days.  When she gets stressed, she does tend to regress to the victim attitude, revisiting the story of an "abusive childhood" that she maintained for so long.  However, she's able to adapt her thinking better now.

All my best to you.

Thank you cc43, it helps to have an objective perspective. I guess I’m frustrated because my daughter has been in therapy  for 15 years and while there is some progress it feels like she is going backwards now.

You may be right and there is something else going on that has triggered this anger.

I’m  moving on because I don’t want to get stuck here and there is nothing I can say or do to fix this.

Thanks for letting me share.