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I am looking for some input from this group on your experiences with anti-depressants and/or anxiety medications.  Which ones worked or did not work for you?  Side effects?  How long did they take to become effective?

I realize that I am going to need something in order to cope better with my situation which involves a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. 

Thank you.

Anti-anxiety meds take 15 minutes. Anti-depressants take 3-4 weeks.

What's going on?

Some of the antidepressants also help with anxiety. As Skip said-they take about 3-4 weeks to become effective. To stop them, it's better to slowly taper the dose.

The anti-anxiety medicines that act more quickly also have an addictive aspect to them.

They are both used appropriately in some situations- and that is something to be decided with a health care provider.

The question to be addressed is- why do you need them and what is the plan for them?

If it is to be able to tolerate continued verbal and emotional abuse, then the "cause" isn't being addressed. If it's to be able to manage making changes better- then maybe a short term use for that is a consideration.

It is a tricky one. I found that my depression was triggering worse bouts of feeling rejected etc by my dBPDh so I ended up going back on Fluoxetine just to make things easier for both of us. Of all the anti-depressants I've tried, it's the most effective for the fewest side-effects. They are all incredibly hard to taper off though, whatever the GPs say.

Anti-anxiety meds can be a bit of a knock-out, which might feel better, but can make life harder in the long run.

I'm sorry you're struggling in that way.

Hi Gravity Man,

I'm sorry that you are going through the thick of it. Man, do I sure know what that feels like! My dBPDw has been so physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me over the years that I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD.) I already had a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) from decades ago that tends to run in my family. I was already taking low-dose anti-anxiety meds for the GAD when I started placing healthy boundaries in my relationship, but my anxiety spiked when my wife started having extinction bursts in response to the new boundaries.

As other posters have said, many anti-anxiety drugs carry the risk of developing tolerance or even addiction over time, which is why I have been on a consistently low dose, long-acting benzodiazepine (SSRI/anti-depressants have never done anything for my anxiety, YMMV.) Because I am aware of the risks of increasing my current medication dosage, I didn't want to do that, but I also didn't want to go on an SSRI because multiple attempts at many different kinds had yielded no relief for me. However, I had to do something to help with my increased anxiety symptoms. My Psychiatric NP ended up prescribing me buspirone, which is not an SSRI nor a benzodiazepine but is rather an anxiolytic. It carries very little risk of tolerance or addiction, starts working for many people within days (although it may take a few weeks to take full effect), and can be stopped abruptly without having to taper. It has been a miracle drug for me and has helped me get my anxiety back under control. It also treats depression and, as a side benefit, helps many people quit drinking and smoking.

I am not a medical professional and you should consult with one before asking for any kind of medicine, but I totally understand that living with a disordered person can and does have grave effects on YOUR mental health. You need to remember to take care of yourself or you will be incapable of caring for your partner. Part of that is seeking out anti-anxiety and/or anti-depressant meds if you are suffering from those conditions.

Take care of yourself,

HurtAndTired

Thanks everyone for your insights.  I retired with over 26 years in the military.  I spent two, one-year combat tours in both Iraq and Afghanistan.  I have been through a lot in the military and was fairly successful.  Unfortunately, at the most important thing in life to me, I have failed.  None of the situations I was in in combat compares to the stress and chaos at home which I could not control and went about all the wrong ways to try to fix. When I retired from the military a few years ago, I was diagnosed by the VA for having a serious case of PTSD ... the PTSD came from my home life, not my military service.  Things had been going ok the last year. 

This summer my wife and I took a nice, two-week vacation to an exotic location.  We had a great time.  The whole summer was pretty good.  We did a lot of things together and my wife told me she loved me, trusted me, wanted to be with me ... I fooled myself once-again into thinking that maybe, although not great, the situation had stabilized and was livable.  Silly me.  I have been painted black again, about as bad as it has ever been.  I have read that it is when everything seems to be going pretty good that people with BPD need to create chaos.  We have a pretty good life ... financially secure, kids doing relatively well, etc.  Most people would really like to be in our situation. 

My two older daughters are out of the house and doing very well.  I have two boys left at home.   I need to be able to function to get them out and set them up for success in life.  I read in the past that NotWendy's dad (who I see as very similar to myself) took anxiety medication at times and helped him. I did go to the VA yesterday for the first time.  Got a mental health consult and was given Hydroxyzine (anxiety medication), mainly to make sure I get a good night's sleep.  I am getting set up for regular counseling and potentially go on some sort of low dosage anti-depressant. 

My main thing now is that I have to do whatever I need to do to make sure my son's make it out of this with their sanity.  While I know I have made many mistakes in this process and have a lot of regret, a few things I can say or have learned.  I did the best that I possibly could.  I know men, very good men who I respect very much, who would not have been able to weather this either.  My kids all love me and tell me that I am an awesome dad.

Thanks again everyone for your help.

This is very painful.

No, you did not fail. Your wife's emotions are not anything you can control. I do believe you when you say most men would not be able to withstand what you are going through. My father did extraordinarily well- but even that didn't  change my mother's BPD. His efforts to take care of his family did make a difference for his kids, but - had he come to the conclusion that he couldn't continue the relationship, I would not have blamed him or thought he was a failure.

I don't believe you have failed but - If you think you have failed, then so have I in trying to assist my now elderly widowed BPD mother. I have tried to assist her in all kinds of ways, none of them work to improve her situation- because of her own BPD emotions and thinking. I am not her caregiver- and yet, even this situation is emotionally challenging, and so I now have more of an understanding of what my father was dealing with.

I was surprised to learn my father was taking antidepressants. He didn't seem depressed or anxious to me. He hid it well.

You didn't fail.

You have built a solid relationship with your kids and I credit my father for that. But you also matter as well.

Thanks NotWendy.  Your words are very encouraging to me.

Thank you. I think it's a great idea to also get the counseling however the medication is decided. It would be someone safe and objective to talk to. However you decide which direction to take- I think the couseling is important and hopefully will bring some clarity for you.

i understand your post is about medication, specifically.

if you are apprehensive, or just not sure, theres a natural alternative you can try right now, that will help, without having to sort through which meds/dosage work best, side effects, etc.

it may not be "the thing", but if you are depressed, it can most definitely give you some short term relief.

its called "sam-e". its made naturally in the body, and is considered as strong or stronger than prescription anti depressants.

in the aftermath of my relationship (i was a mess) it was the first thing i tried. it was incredible. it kind of ran its course, and i ultimately needed more, but i probably felt more (noticeable) effect from it than any of the anti depressants i tried, and without any of the side effects or the nightmare of withdrawal.

might be worth looking into.

Thanks "once removed,"  I am going to give sam-e a try.