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My uBPDh has an obsession with buying cars. About 3 months ago he lost his job. He has had a couple of interviews, but they haven’t gone anywhere because each interview he has been splitting. He received a payout from his portion of stocks in the sale of his old company that happened right before he got let go and that is what he has been living large off of as I work my butt off picking up extra work to cover all of the everyday kids things that he refuses to pay. We bought my car together 6 years ago and his car together 5 years ago. We drive my car everywhere. It is the only car that fits all of us. We rarely drive his car. When he got this payout one of the first things he did was buy himself a Tesla, under the guise that we needed 3 cars…we would only use mine when we needed a big car, I would drive his old car and he would drive the Tesla…though eventually we would trade in his old car and get a Tesla for me. So…he drove his Tesla and I drove his old car…for a day until he split and told me that I am not allowed to drive either of his cars again. So there goes that plan. A coupe of weeks later he is in his good mood, my car won’t start as I am leaving for work, so he lets me take his old car and gets mine fixed. He goes back to you should drive my old car and he will drive the Tesla. I tell him
that I only want to do so if he truly means that. He tells me that of course he does. Later that afternoon he has decided that Teslas are not safe to drive with children so i need to drive my old car and he needs to have access to drive either of his cars. A week or so later, we are out shopping and my car won’t start again. He decides that after we fix this car we will never drive that car again, we will trade in all 3 cars and get each of us a new (used) car, he said that he doesn’t have enough left in his payout to pay for whatever we get but this should mean small payments. Ok, that works for me. The car gets fixed, he sends me off on a long car trip with my kids in my car (that I was never to drive again) and his Tesla needs to rest so it can only be driven every once in a while, so I need to drive my car all of the time again. We both look online at cars and find a couple of possibilities for the trade in we discussed…he said he would go look at cars while I was at work. He splits again and asks me how much I have to put down as he needs to be able to tell the sales person. I told him my understanding of our plan and that we would need to have a car payment and he ignored me and asked how much and I told him I don’t have anything. So he told me that he guesses he won’t look then. I say ok. He has been splitting for about a week now…that conversation was at the beginning of the week. Tonight, after we got home from my daughter’s birthday party (4) that I planned, paid for and entertained everyone while he sat there not even in the same room as the rest of the party for most of the party…he said we need to go to the DMV on Monday for us to sign the cars over to each other…the Tesla is in his name only but the other cars are in both of our names. I said “ok but not right now”. I guess he didnt her me as he then said did you hear me, I didn’t respond. He then sent me a text saying that he is trading in his 2 cars very soon and getting a new car so we need to sign the cars over to each other. WTF!  He then said that the sooner he does it the sooner we will save on insurance…as the Tesla is expensive to insure…but even though he said he would pay the insurance, it somehow came out of my account, so 6 months are already paid by me. I have set the boundary that I will not even entertain such crazy actions when he is splitting, so I won’t respond but what do I do when he returns to a good mood?  I don’t think that it is wise to sign the car over even if he signs mine to me. After all, I feel like this is the only tool that I have to keep his car buying at bay. He tried to buy a car 2 years ago that he couldn’t afford but I refused to sign it over to him then so he couldn’t. Suggestions…

Hello and welcome...that's a lot of car drama and I'm sorry you're going through it.

I'm guessing that nobody has replied so far because this is a personal choice- you can sign paperwork or decline.  If you sign, then who knows what he'll buy....if you don't sign, who knows how much he will complain and whine and gaslight you.

My advice, if I were in the same position, would be to get your car in your name, and his car (or future car) in his name.  Then let him do whatever he wants, as often as he wants, as long as the funds are coming out of his bank account AND he's helping with the monthly bills around the house.

Because that's the thing here, the real problem- this isn't about cars.  This is about impulsive spending and not supporting the family properly. Until you hold him accountable there, then the rest is just extra annoyances that will never go away.

Just wanted to say:  I really appreciate Pook's point here.

This is a "how do you see the forest through the trees" situation.

It's not about cars.  It's about avoidance, control, self-soothing, probably lots of things too...

This seems like a good opportunity to try to step back and see what's really going on.

@OP, when cars are not on the front burner, how are things in general?  Are there other areas in which you and your H can communicate, cooperate, collaborate?

Do you feel like the cars issues might fade a bit if your H gets a new job?  It sounds like this might be a persistent theme for him no matter what else is going on.   

Hi there,

May I ask a question?  Does your husband typically ask for you to take on expenses, like pay for insurance, or make large purchases, like a car for him, while he makes promises to pay you back at a later date?  Are you paying for everyday essentials, while he isn’t contributing enough financially, even though he could and should?

If that’s the case, that doesn’t sound like BPD as much as financial manipulation. You see, he wants what he wants, and he’s using your goodwill to get it. He might make promises to pay you back, or help out later, because it’s easy to defer that pain or deprivation to the future, while simultaneously demanding that YOU sacrifice today.

I’d say you might need firmer boundaries. For example, you spend only on essentials whenever one of you is unemployed. You don’t buy anything on credit. You don’t co-sign. Does that make sense?

Hi dtkm,

I know from past posts that this is more than just a minor issue over cars and their financing. I know that you are worried about the house as well and possibly losing it due to your husband's irresponsible financial behavior. This seems like it is just one more stick getting thrown on the camel's back, so to speak. How many more sticks can that camel take before its back breaks? I also remember from an earlier post that you said that you were thinking of consulting a lawyer to see what you could do to financially distance yourself from him so that you and the kids have stability in housing. Have you done so yet?

From my own experience, my dBPDw is so irresponsible with money that I am working on a doctorate so that I can change jobs in a few years and double my income. Part of it is that I want to further my career and make changes to the education system that I can only make with a doctorate and an administrative position (at the state level) but it is also motivated by a desire to not rely on my wife financially at all. One of my greatest fears is that my wife's erratic behavior and irresponsibility will have her digging a hole that all of us collectively will not be able to get ourselves out of.

Ultimatums seldom work and are never advisable unless you are in dire circumstances, but being on the edge of losing your house seems pretty dire to me. Perhaps someone who is much better at conflict resolution than I am can give advice on how to do this in a way that is the least triggering for him as possible, but it seems to me that you are at a point where he needs to financially get his sh!t together ASAP for all your sakes. Meeting with a financial counselor and coming up with a plan for how to save the house seems like a good starting point. I know that pwBPD can often act like toddlers and throw tantrums. This is fine as long as you can walk away from it and limit how much it negatively affects you and the children, but when the tantrum is tied to your housing, you have too much on the line to let him continue to throw a fit.

I know you are scared, frustrated, and feel backed into a corner with limited options. Let's collectively brainstorm here and see if we can figure a way out to make your husband see that he needs to snap out of this due to how much is on the line for all of you. In the short term, you need to navigate how to get through this and to the other side safely. In the long term, you need to figure out how to separate your finances so that when your husband goes through a split like this again, any damage he does is only to himself. If a pwBPD is going to self-destruct, we cannot stop them, but we cannot let them drag us, and our children, down with them.

Praying for you,

HurtAndTired

Thanks all!  I should have posted on here to give an update on the house. A couple of weeks back, he switched back to his nice mode, I explained to him that I couldn’t afford our mortgage and that I didn’t understand the choices he was making with buying like crazy.  He told me that he never said that he wouldn’t pay the mortgage any longer, it was just this month as he thought that I could afford it. I told him I couldn’t and he agreed to pay for it and he did. He also paid this month. Over all it is absolutely a control issue. If he is stable, he makes rational financial decisions for our family. When he splits, he only thinks of himself and all rationality goes out the door…what he wants he buys in these moments!  It literally feels like I need to play the waiting game, ignore everything that I can, until he returns to baseline and then try to act…then wait again, etc. I have an appointment tomorrow with my financial advisor. I feel like when he transitions back he is “embarrassed “ about the financial decisions he has made as he wouldn’t even look at me when he I was trying to talk to him about those purchases. I feel like he knows he does this but he can’t control it…but maybe he can…who knows!