BPDFamily.com

 :help:
Hello, and thank you in advance to whoever and all that will take the time and effort to read, share experiences, knowledge and/or advice.

It's currently very hard to know where to start without writing an entire novel. But I will try to keep it as concise, comprehensive and as fair as I can.

I am currently at the receiving end of a very heavy splitting episode with my spouse. He wants a divorce. It's been about 4 years since he first mentioned the word... we have been married 11 years but have known each other for 25. I can honestly say this is very much reccuring request on his behalf at everyone of his major splits. He has had countless episodes during the last 4 years, but all have been fruitless (thankfully). I'm experiencing one of his major ones today as he dropped the "D" word this morning in a fit of fury.

I am very much in love with him and I am definitely not ready to let go, despite suffering tremondously everytime he splits. Its a rollercoaster of very intense emotions that I have honed better over the years as I had absolutely no idea what was happening in our relationship before I finally delved deep into the internet enough to find that he matched perfectly up with BPD symptoms and characteristics. This revelation helped me enormously as I could finally understand his cycles- therfore having more compassion and understanding to his suffering without jumping to the conclusion that he was suddenly being manipulative and purposefully evil.

He has never been officially diagnosed and this is 100% my unprofessional diagnosis based on reading and researching. He is a victim of childhood abuse and attempted murder at the hands of his parents, and as a consequence he has developed a hypervigilance that at times be spot on, but also be off-base.
His current split, denounced me as a monster who ruined his life, while just a few days ago, I was in a major idealization phase.

What hurts the most is that I am always expecting a heavy blow of a "down" after every "up". The better and longer the idealization phase, the harder the fall once he splits. It's better than a few years ago, with longer cycles between each splitting episode, but I still fear he might up and concertize the divorce this time as it's a very severe splitting.

I would need help in knowing whether these "rollercoaster cycles" are something anyone in this forum has seen or experienced first hand, how often would they occur (knowing each person and situation is different). Most importantly; would anyone have advice or tips as to how to better navigate through my spouse's splitting and constant threats of divorce, without losing myself or my marriage?

Hi, your post resonated with me as I have experienced the same issue. It has gone on for almost 2 years of our 20+ year marriage and became a weekly threat as well as telling me to go file for the D. She finally went to a lawyer and told me she filed, I asked for couples counseling and also hired a lawyer. She finally agreed to some counseling, we have been doing that for now but when she is upset about something or I push back in any way she goes back to threatening the ending of the relationship. It wrecks me every time. I am working on being more independent, strengthening my support network, getting individual therapy, etc. for now. I am also trying to apply tips from this site such as validating statements, jade, and boundaries of leaving for a specified break when she is getting verbally aggressive and brings up divorce. I have told her I can not discuss the ending of the relationship with her so when she brings it up I let her know I cannot do that and I am going to take a break for an hour. I wish I felt stronger.