BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

Been a while since I've been around but had some interesting observations to share. Wondering if others have seen anything similar. It was a revelation really and something I would NEVER have considered or put together but in hindsight it does make sense...

Short history - uBPDw has had extreme BPD episodes for the past 6-7 years, really after moving out of state at around that time. It got really bad, very abusive behavior to me and the kids and other unfortunately family who have been around. She has some physical medical issues and uses medical cannabis. Also uses alcohol, heavily daily. The cannabis started more so around the time we moved, maybe a little before. She got her medical card in the state we're in so it's 'legit'. Heavier drinking started around the same time but really took off with the covid pandemic.

Things seemed to continue to get worse over the years and I was living in a regular emotional hell. Seriously considered leaving, even consulted with a lawyer and thinking about how I might go about things.

Something happened that surprised me. She decided to get a part time job - she's been doing consulting very part time since we got here and never had an 'employer'. However... she was going to have to pass a drug test so she knew she had to quit cannabis. It was hard and she turned to drinking more. However she did abstain for some time, about a month. As time passed it was almost miraculous. She became my old wife. I mean it wasn't perfect and there were still some alcohol fueled anger but she didn't have a single BPD episode after she quite cannabis for a couple of weeks.

We had conversations after some time, she brought up how much better she felt and she sees how much the marijuana changed her. I told her this had been the best month in our marriage for the past 6 years. I told her it was like I had my old wife back. Her mom and I even had conversations over this period because she saw it, she saw the changes. She could handle life's normal stresses and didn't go into a multi day BPD rage episode and spiral down down down. After starting the job she didn't go back to daily cannabis use, was feeling better and sleeping better. But she did start using occasionally when she had her physical issue flare up at first. Then when she got really stressed, then when she couldn't sleep.

Fast forward another month or so and she's had a few episodes. They haven't been as severe as before but much of the same pattern/characteristics as previous. The only time she's had a BPD episode is after using cannabis for a couple of consecutive days. And it's happened every time she's gone back to using even if just for a couple of days. Not when she does it but the days following. She'll use it at night a couple days in a row then within a couple days there's an explosion and it's the BPD dysregulation back in force.

The second time it happened I expressed my concern. With tears I told her I was concerned about her using cannabis and how better she's been and felt and how better we've been. That itself resulted in an episode. Similar thing has happened with alcohol when I've brought it up.

I guess I'm just sharing but not sure what to do because she keeps going back to using cannabis more regularly. She's been using it for the past 4-5 days and an episode started yesterday. She can't regulate and cannabis does something to her. I can't go back to how it was. I was ready to leave before it was getting so bad. I recently had some health issues come up - ulcer and gastrointestinal issues. If she goes back to how she was I can't stay, I really think the stress will kill me. I think it's already caused some health issues.

 This is so interesting that you bring this up, as I'd been considering making a post about it. However, in the case of my husband, regular cannabis use seems to be the thing that really prevents him from splitting. Any time he runs out, I start to get anxious because it means that his reactions will get more volatile and angry. In fact, he often waits to smoke before we have positive conversations/reconcile - and, lately, I haven't dreamed of bringing anything sensitive up to him unless I know he's smoked. He supposedly has smoked pretty regularly since he was 14... so I do also wonder if it's some sort of dependency and if he might level out after quitting for an extended period. On the other hand, when we started dating 5 years ago, he didn't smoke that much and definitely had big episodes. Alcohol was really the problematic substance for him. He drank a LOT and actually ended up quitting because I told him I couldn't hang with his party lifestyle. Eliminating alcohol made a hugely positive difference and he's been able to maintain his sobriety--although lately I've been tempted to start drinking again to manage my stress.

I've heard a few other anecdotal cases where BPD people are completely dependent on cannabis and it helps keep them stable. I'm curious to know if there have been any studies on it. Time to do some Googling!

I also really feel you on the mental and physical implications of dealing with this for your own health. I started crying while reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist because she suggests that, if all of the positive boundaries and mindfulness practices don't keep your anxiety at bay, that caretakers could explore fast-acting anti-anxiety meds. We shouldn't have to take Xanax to be able to stand our relationships. It's really sad. You are not alone. I really hope you find some peace and resolution.