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me and my pwBDP got into an argument because she couldn’t find the time to call me.. I just wanted to be able to hangout or talk every few days. She accused me of wanting to change her life to fit mine and that i was never a priority.

 she had just gotten out of jail and is also a single mom. she warned me saying “ I love you, you’re what I want for myself i just feel like I really haven’t been able to give you the time or attention you want from me right now and I don’t wanna lose this I just don’t want to ruin it and I know you’ve been feeling some type of way bc we just haven’t been able to see each other really and I just wanna apologize bc I don’t know when I’ll really be available the way you need me to be.”

Fast forward a few days and i’m upset because i haven’t heard her voice or seen her in a few days. she starts calling me a liar, accuses me of wanting her to change her life for me, saying i was never a priority. In the month she was in jail she called me 2-3 times everyday and i never missed a call so that she would never feel alone. She called our relationship a companionship, even after calling me her bf and saying she was my gf.

I then get blocked on her number. I reach out in instagram, blocked, I reach out on snapchat, blocked. I then reach out on tiktok, not blocked. Why keep this line of communication open. I wrote a letter apologizing to her for my part in the argument and explained the reasons behind my actions. she’s views all the messages on tiktok but for some reason doesn’t block me.

It’s like she forgot all the time we spent together before jail and in jail. She talked to a mutual friend of ours and didn’t mention anything about the breakup and appeared to look fine. she also reposts hurtful things about me on the tiktok. Is there a chance this can be fixed? She reads all the messages i sent but no response. I’m hurt, blame myself for being petty. I just want her back.

You're not petty.  You have a relationship dilemma and you want to find a way to make it succeed.  However, success would require two people working together toward the same goal.  She may not be sufficiently stable to do that.  Short term, maybe, but long term, well...

If she is a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) then taking medications may somewhat stabilize or moderate her behavior but it's more of a band-aid than a solution.  What works better is having long term meaningful therapy and diligently applying it in her life.  Without that approach, having her back in your life will likely mean the current up-down issues will continue into the future.  Her perceptions and behavior are too impacted by her ever-changing moods.  There is a typical pattern of cycling on again then off again, rinse and repeat.

Set aside your guilt feeling.  This is more about her issues than yours.  But you can't fix her.  She could work with an experienced therapist to improve her perceptions and reactions.  So perhaps you could explore more about yourself?

you cant force someone to spend time with you that they arent prepared to give.

she has, in very clear terms, spelled that out.

pushing for more will push anyone in her position away.


im not sure theres any reason needed that she has blocked you everywhere else but one place. it does not undo the fact that she blocked you everywhere else. if she isnt responding to you there, shes not "keeping a line of communication open", and its not an invitation for more.


i get that this hurts, and that you miss that time. ive been there.

a hard fact is that relationships fizzle out. one experience may mean two different things, or hold different significance, for two different people.

trying to force someone back into, or to share our experience is generally a losing battle, and can make us look aggressive. people respond to that by putting up walls (blocking). continuing to try to get over the walls someone has generally causes that person to build even higher walls.

the best thing you can do for yourself in this case, is to heed this, and to stop contacting her. truthfully, things may be past the point that she would lower those walls, but the thing you can do that is most likely to get her to do that, is to send the message that you accept (and respect) them.

i get her position but the sudden “i want to see you” and “have you planned our trip for when i’m off the ankle monitor?” and “I love you and miss you” the day before the argument is what confuses me. it’s not like i could call her in jail, she would have to call me and if the relationship was just a friendship to her then why keep calling me talking about future plans, marriage, kids while she was in jail.

people with bpd over emote. its not that it isnt sincere, its that its exaggerated. they are highly sensitive people that feel things (good or bad) intensely, but its not the same thing as intimacy or a strong, lasting bond - those things are built slowly over time. that is where the "youre the best person in the world, now youre the worst person in the world" stuff comes from. its real in the moment, but the permanence of it is exaggerated. it is shallow.

its sort of like this: ive probably told every girl i ever dated that she was the most beautiful girl in the world. that wasnt insincere when i said it - in that moment, she was to me. obviously it was exaggerated because i dont still believe it, and it would be unusual if say, one of my ex girlfriends wondered why i didnt still believe it.

with bpd, its the same thing really, but more exaggerated, and with wilder swings.


it is confusing, and it is hurtful, to experience such a 180, and it makes all the sense in the world that you would have questions and be trying to make sense of it, or want to talk to her.

but it would help to separate the two issues; to lean on support and people that have lived it, and to also see that further contact is going to be counter productive.