BPDFamily.com

HI all,
I am hoping some of you may be able to advise me or reassure me because I am currently feeling absolutely wretched and like the worst mother in the world.
My daughter, who is 25, lives about 300 miles from us and has done so for about two years.  In May she had a crisis and was suicidal and so we brought her home for a while to get her back on her feet.  It was a disaster. Soon after moving back in, she bounced back quickly and before long was acting out in fairly typical ways – getting excessively drunk, being abusive, fighting with her sister, staying out overnight without informing us etc. When we told her that we thought it was time for her to go home, she said that she would kill herself if we made her leave.
In July, she had another crisis and ended up in hospital on this occasion.  I dropped everything to race down to be with her.  I stayed for 9 days, visiting her, cleaning her flat, stocking her cupboards etc.  The minute she was out of hospital, she went off with a boyfriend and told me I was no longer required.
Last month I went away with her sister for a weekend break – something I have done with Daughter no.1 many times.  She found out and was extremely angry – feeling that she was left out and unloved - claiming that she would kill her sister, and that she really meant it – she would really “show her what suffering was like”.
Roll on to three weeks ago.  Another crisis.  She was suicidal again and told us this was the lowest she had ever been, that she was desperate. She begged to come home. This time we said no.  After taking advice from a therapist I am seeing (who is a specialist in BPD), we felt it was time we established boundaries and stop swooping in to help her every time.  We would not let her come home.
So, things have been a little frosty between us since.  This morning, I reached out to her and tried to explain my reasoning – that we are encouraging her to stand on her own two feet, that we will always love and support her but there need to be boundaries in place for all of us.  Well, in response I have been told that I am the worst mother in the world, that I wouldn’t have turned my back on her if she had cancer, that she can’t help having an illness and all she asked for was a little help, she was genuinely desperate and I didn't help, that she will never forgive me, I have done irreparable damage to our relationship etc
I feel so bad – guilty and miserable – because I think perhaps she is right. But I just don’t know how to deal with this.  It has been 11 years.  There is always a crisis of some kind.  Am I not entitled to some quality of life?  Am I not supposed to consider my younger daughter who is still living at home?  Do I have to put myself in the firing line for abuse and to be used again and again? But surely she is right - it is just an illness like cancer.  I wouldn't pick and choose when to help if it was cancer.
Any advice / reassurance is most welcome.

Hi Zurmat,

Tough though it may seem, I think you did the right thing.  You see, by rescuing your daughter, you likely enable her to continue with her unhealthy habits--drinking too much, acting abusive, fighting with family members and not getting the therapy she needs.  Just because she has emotional issues doesn't give her a free pass to act disrespectfully towards you, let alone make death threats.  It would be one thing if she stayed with you temporarily, while being committed to getting help, acting kindly with her sister and helping you around the house.  It's another thing entirely if she's using you for money/free labor, blaming you for all her problems, spewing hatred your way and making death threats, and then running off and ignoring adult responsibilities like work, medical treatment and/or schooling.

It sounds to me like she's trying to guilt you into giving her money and support.  Since you've tried to establish healthy boundaries, she's upping the ante by threatening suicide, in order to get what she wants.  My stepdaughter with BPD did this, and I called it her toxic, "nuclear" phase.  I didn't just have a bully living with me--she was an emotional terrorist!  At some point, I came to realize that there's no negotiating with a terrorist, because every time I give in to her threats, the list of demands becomes ever longer and more extreme.  Would it be fair to say that her neediness seems desperate and never-ending?  That even though you do everything she asks, she has no intention of working on herself or taking therapy seriously?  Does she have a persistent victim attitude, believing that YOU (and everyone else) are the cause of all her woes, and that YOU have to change, not her?   Unfortunately, this attitude is typical of BPD.  The victim attitude is so strong that she feels no guilt or responsibility for treating you badly.  She might think that you deserve to be punished and in pain, so that you begin to understand the pain that she's feeling.  This attitude is pernicious and destructive to your relationship, as well as to her own mental health.  My opinion is it's the worst thing about BPD.

Look, I know this is heart-wrenching.  It's terrible watching your daughter self-destruct.  I know you want to help her, but there's a delicate line between helping and enabling.  What you write sounds more like enabling to me, because of the death threats and the recurrent crises.  You deserve a peaceful life, including weekends away.  I made the mistake of "dropping everything" when my adult stepdaughter had crises, including cancelling various vacations and weekends away, in order to stay with her and "babysit" her.  I think the message that sends her is that her father and I don't deserve to have vacations, and that she just can't handle living as an adult!  You're not modeling what a healthy adult life looks like if you never enjoy a weekend away with a family member or friends.

In my family, it got to the point of my stepdaughter "hitting bottom" after serious suicide attempts and hospital stays before she decided to take therapy seriously.  Her dad eventually gave her an ultimatum--he would support her only if she did everything the doctors said.  I believe that her doctors also gave her an ultimatum, since they had tried all sorts of different therapies and she wasn't responding to them, so the next time she attempted suicide, she'd be involuntarily committed.  She could choose to do her own thing, but then she'd be on her own, and/or committed against her will.  For her, the choice became an easy one.

Finally, I think if your daughter is a credible threat to herself or others, you dial 911.  If you don't, you run the risk of invalidating her, believing she's not truly in pain and not serious about trying to kill herself or another family member.  If you call 911, don't be surprised if she turns around and accuses you of making threats or assaulting her.  That's just twisted BPD thinking in action.  But maybe by calling 911, she ends up in the hospital and gets some help that she needs.

I think it's good you're getting therapy and some reassurance about how to handle BPD.  It seems so difficult and all-consuming.