BPDFamily.com

Hello and thank you for this forum. I broke up with my pwbpd last night he was my romantic partner for the past 5 years. This was the 3rd time I broke up with him and hoping can remain strong this time. I couldn't take the mood shifts, the daily eggshell walking, and on and on any longer.
Right now I'm just feeling wrecked emotionally. I don't know what I need right now, I'm hurting badly.
Thank you you for listening/reading.

Hello PrettyWrecked and welcome to the forum  |iiii. I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad that you took the step of posting. Here, a lot of us can relate to the emotions that come with the challenges of having a relationship with someone who has BPD. It is normal for you to feel wrecked, and hurt. With time, a lot of growth and learning can come from this experience. Right now, it`s important to prioritize the essentials of self care, like eating, sleeping, and getting some movement in. Also be patient and kind to yourself.

Can you tell us a bit more about yourself? No need to share anything you are not ready to. More information will help us better understand your situation.

What prompted you to take the step to break up? Are you currently still in contact?

Do you have a support system (friends, family, community, therapy)?

Hi and thank you tina7868,
Yes, I can share a bit more about my situation.  I met my pwbpd about 5 years ago, I had no idea until about 2.5 year mark that something was wrong. I missed so many red flags along the way, I took blame upon myself for so much of the upsets (if only I hadn't said xyz, brought up a topic, set a boundary, etc) I finally started putting the pieces together and realized quickly what I was dealing with. He ended up seeking counseling and thankfully his therapist within a few months of his sessions diagnosed him with BPD.  He has been in therapy once a week since, but really only started DBT a few months ago.
What prompted the break up this time I had enough.
 I thought I was strong enough to handle the storm, but BPD is the tyrant to relationships. There is no emotional space left for me.  Everything is about him 24/7. Then there's the constant gridlock I was finding myself in with nonsensical arguments and daily ups and downs with him, and trying to not rock the boat was too much to continue. I tried and caved two times before because the trauma bond is so strong.

I've read every book I could on the topic and watched hundreds of hours of Youtube videos  to try and make sense out of all of this. Prior to meeting him, I had also done five years of therapy and personal growth work I was in a good place. Recently, I went back to therapy to get assistance with the relationship issues. I have great friends and many supports, however this is a problem that only those going through this can appreciate and it's how ended up at this forum. 
Thank you.

 

I can relate. I just met with an attorney to begin filing for divorce. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. And I feel really bad for my bpd partner because I know the pain is real, and there's no actual real world problems going on to account for her behavior. It is heart breaking beyond belief.

Needsupport33, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. 

Today is more pain and I am having a very hard time with ruminating and feeling guilt about the break up.
It all hurts.

sounds like you made the right decision to move on with your life. 

If I can share any advice, it's to focus on material things you can do to recover.  Don't spend time worrying about "why did this happen to me?" ... if there were specific actions you could've taken, don't waste time thinking about what might have happened, think about what inside you kept you from doing that, and work on those things.

For me, that was why I didn't set boundaries around how I expected to be treated and what I would tolerate.  I've talked about some of this with family members, because a lot of us have trouble asserting ourselves sometimes, and feel guilty about setting boundaries.  It gets us into bad situations when we're around people who don't.

Also, the point you make about the "constant gridlock" is a good one, and one I don't see discussed enough here.  We focus on the conflict and bad memories of BPD incidents, but not as much on how paralyzing the conflict can be to our everyday wants and needs, just to cater to a pwBPD, or self-censor to avoid fights.

Take this time to consider things you wanted or needed to do, but couldn't because the pwBPD had imposed their own standards of what was acceptable on the relationship. 

Pete this post is actually really helpful to me right now. Thank you.