BPDFamily.com

Hello. My 35 year old daughter has been diagnosed with (according to her) 8 mental illnesses. I say "according to her" because I've never heard it from her health care provider.  I know she has bi-polar disorder and BPD. The last 10 years of her life have been difficult to say the least. Prior to diagnosis she self-medicated with meth. This has created an ongoing addiction issue. I had never heard of BPD until my father in law explained that his mother had it.  I read about this group in "The Essential Guide...." book. Now granted, I haven't read it cover to cover yet. But I have to know....is it normal to get to the point of being DONE? It's a constant barrage of what a horrible mother I am. 99% of the stuff she says is completely untrue. I know I'm not supposed to take it personally but after years of personal attacks....I just don't know what to do anymore.

Hi Exhaustedmom04
It sure is normal to be exhausted and DONE. Your DD is around the same age as mine, and also shares the self medication road with meth etc.

Coming off meth as my DD has done a few times is, well, hard to describe!

The constant barrage of accusations is just one aspect that is totally exhausting. I have recently taken to just saying 'Stop picking on me' - which for some reason seems to hit home!

The thing I am done with most at the moment is being 'cornered' - DD unloading her problems but whenever an option is suggested she just flies off, stomps off, slams the door or all of the above.

I am DONE at the moment. All I can do is unload myself as best I can of anything that I can unload even temporarily. I feel better when I come here - just not so alone on this truly awful BPD journey!

Hope you can unload . . .

I hear you about being exhausted. It's hard to say that.

Me, too!  To myself, I call it the cycle of frozen hopelessness. I just posted about another issue I'm having (her badmouthing others and trying to triangulate with me). Someone suggested that I say that that I'm feel overwhelmed/stressed and then asking her to stop. If she continues, then warning her that I will walk away. If she still persists, then walking away (or hanging up). The poster said that it works for her most of the time. I'm going to try it because it's really taxing on my own mental health.

I feel guilty because I know that she's feeling disregulated and wants to co-regulate with me. I'm willing to do this some but the refusal to consider anything or do anything different is maddening, especially when it's a couple of hours every night. I used to listen to her and when she asked me for advice and then got mad at me, I would just tell her that nothing will change unless she makes a change. I would ask her if something has worked for her in the past or if her therapist had helped her to think about what to do in a similar situation. That would just make her angry. Ultimately, she wanted me to fix things for her and I had to explain to her that she's a adult who gets to make her own decisions and experience the consequences of her decisions. After a couple of weeks of this, she would blow up and ghost me for several months by moving into her mother's house (I'm a step mom.).

It's hard. I know. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better. Mostly, I just piss her off. The 3 Cs of codependency have really helped me as I try to let go. I didn't create this, I can't control this, and I can't cure this. It's a mantra for me now when she's stressing me out. Sometimes I believe this but not always.

The personal attacks are horrible.  I have a hard time envisioning my future and get so incredibly sad thinking about what is happening to my daughter and if this is going to be the case for the rest of my life and hers.

 I think you sum it up with "exhausted" and I think that is how we all feel. It just sucks.