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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: barhoram on November 18, 2024, 09:54:37 AM



Title: Help--bpd? wife had mental breakdown -family therapy
Post by: barhoram on November 18, 2024, 09:54:37 AM
 :help:

Really need some quick help here.   I have suspected my wife had BPD or some sort of mental disorder or disorders for years.   The kids and I have done the proverbial walking on eggshells for years.    She was recently diagnosed with a sleep disorder (possibly narcolepsy) and started taking a new medicine.  She started acting very odd..paranoid, and out of touch with reality.  This went on for a week or so and got progressively worse.   Tried to discuss with her, and get her to stop the medicine, but she would not.   She ultimately had a psychotic break in public and was admitted to a mental hospital for a little over a week.  She still was acting odd and paranoid even after they stopped her on the medication.  There was no formal diagnosis...possibly bipolar, possibly just anxiety/stress...possibly just a reaction to the medicine.  She was released and has been home for a couple of weeks, but is in denial of pretty much everything.  So in addition to years of dealing with her personality, we have had recent weeks of phychosis, and ultimately seeing her getting admitted to a mental hospital.  Kids and I are hurting.   This was an eye opener that we are dealing with some very unhealthy stuff.  As noted, she is still in denial and does not believe she has been abusive to us for years, or that the mental break was any big deal...  We want to use this a chance to start to change things as they can not continue.

As expected, I have been unable to set any new, healthy boundaries with her.  At times, was afraid for the kids to have to be alone with her.      For now, she has seen a psychiatrist once, and the took her off the anti-psychotic medicine and seem to be treating her for Trauma...PSTD and prescribed therapy.  She was adopted, so there is probably some truth to that.  She has some individual therapy they are going to get her into, (group therapy 3X a week she mentioned) but I don't have a lot of details.     

As for the kids and I, we have set up Family Therapy that is supposed to include her.     Kids have felt abused by her for years, dealt with her unhealthy behavior(s) around home, and witnessed her constantly attack and blame me for everything.   We want to get this all out into the open. Kids are tired of it...tired of the constant arguing...I'm working on boundaries and stopping the co-dependency, but still have miles to go as she is so manipulative.

Family therapy is Friday this week.  The kids have some things they want to tell her.    She is under the impression we need 50/50 marriage counselling for a bad communication, and dealing with the narcist I am.   For the first time, I think the kids are going to share the unhealthy and abusive ways she has been for years.  I am worried she will just completely shut down, and go back into denial.      I have brought up all of the unhealthy stuff with her numerous times in the past, and she denies or downplays everything.  I can see if being more of the same, but at least I think the kids are ready to stand up for me as it has always been her word vs mine, and projects her unhealthy actions onto me.       Any suggestions of how we can best approach this family therapy...as I am concerned she may just get up and leave once she starts to hear things she doesnt want to hear. ?



Title: Re: Help--bpd? wife had mental breakdown -family therapy
Post by: kells76 on November 18, 2024, 01:59:39 PM
Hi barhoram and *welcome*

You're not alone in experiencing that intense level of mental wellness challenge in a spouse. There have been other members here who have had spouses wBPD getting psych treatment and coming home, but not really fully recovered, and with kids in the mix. Wish it were less common, for your sake, but glad you found us. This is definitely a place that understands how complex and difficult it can be to try to have a family when BPD is in the mix.

How much contact do you have with your W's treatment teams/doctors? I get that HIPAA is a thing but I think you're still allowed to give as much info one-way as you want. Did your W sign any kind of disclosure authorizing you to get info?

As expected, I have been unable to set any new, healthy boundaries with her.  At times, was afraid for the kids to have to be alone with her.      For now, she has seen a psychiatrist once, and the took her off the anti-psychotic medicine and seem to be treating her for Trauma...PSTD and prescribed therapy.  She was adopted, so there is probably some truth to that.  She has some individual therapy they are going to get her into, (group therapy 3X a week she mentioned) but I don't have a lot of details.    

Boundaries are rules for yourself, that you control, that don't require her to agree, cooperate, understand, or think they're a good idea. If the boundaries aren't "working with her" then it's possible they aren't true boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0)?

Getting clarity on boundaries can be really freeing and can release us from so much frustration. Sometimes pop culture tells us that a boundary is like: "I won't tolerate you putting the kids in danger!" or "Don't you dare leave the kids unsupervised when I'm not at home"! Those are nice thoughts, and certainly are preferences, and they would be good, but because those aren't fully under your control, they aren't really boundaries.

A true boundary would be more like: "When I'm not at home, I will arrange for a babysitter to come over and supervise the kids, no matter who else is at home." Or, "When I'm at work or out of the house, I drive the kids to Grandma's house." Those options are totally under your control and don't rely on her cooperating or changing.

Talk me through some examples of what you've tried, and maybe we can come up with different approaches, or get some clarity on whether the boundaries were actual boundaries, or were demands, preferences, or requests instead. I bet we can find some solutions together  |iiii

As for the kids and I, we have set up Family Therapy that is supposed to include her.     Kids have felt abused by her for years, dealt with her unhealthy behavior(s) around home, and witnessed her constantly attack and blame me for everything.   We want to get this all out into the open. Kids are tired of it...tired of the constant arguing...I'm working on boundaries and stopping the co-dependency, but still have miles to go as she is so manipulative.

How many kids do you have, and how old are they?

Have they done any individual therapy yet? What abou tyou?

Can the kids have a session with the family T first (just them) before sessions including the parents?

It may be important for the FT to set some expectations for the kids and to learn from the kids what their goals are. For example -- a kid might hope "if I can just explain it to Mom clearly enough and intensely enough, she'll finally change" which likely will not happen after just one session. The kids may need to hear from the T a professional opinion about how things typically go in FT, including example timelines, so that they aren't blindsided.

As the adult, the challenge for you will be balancing caring for the kids (top priority) with understanding that recovery from mental illness can be a really long process. The kids may have more leeway for expressing their feelings; you, as the adult, have some different decisions to make -- can you handle short to medium term discomfort in the sessions if it means, longer term, that your W will buy into the process.

I'm not suggesting that the kids "pull their punches", or "don't make Mommy too mad or she'll never come back" -- that's not appropriate for them. More highlighting that it's going to be really important for you to think long term about -- what is your goal in FT? Because if it's to heal/reconcile the family, you may need to wait your turn, as it were, for full expression, because you may need your W to commit to the process and feel like she can trust the T (can take time) for it to be effective.

No right or wrong answers here... just shining light on how thinking through your own short/medium/long term goals will be important to inform how you navigate the FT process, which inevitably will at times look like the T is "siding" with your W or "isn't taking my side". Knowing that the T isn't there to "take sides" but is getting everyone committed to the process can help mentally in those first few sessions.

Family therapy is Friday this week.  The kids have some things they want to tell her.    She is under the impression we need 50/50 marriage counselling for a bad communication, and dealing with the narcist I am.   For the first time, I think the kids are going to share the unhealthy and abusive ways she has been for years.  I am worried she will just completely shut down, and go back into denial.      I have brought up all of the unhealthy stuff with her numerous times in the past, and she denies or downplays everything.  I can see if being more of the same, but at least I think the kids are ready to stand up for me as it has always been her word vs mine, and projects her unhealthy actions onto me.       Any suggestions of how we can best approach this family therapy...as I am concerned she may just get up and leave once she starts to hear things she doesnt want to hear. ?

I wonder if it might be more freeing for the kids if you could share with them that you don't need them to stand up for you?

They need room to just be kids with strong feelings about their family situation. If you can reassure them that FT is for them and however they feel, and you don't need them to do anything for you, that might be a healthier path forward for them. It would model for them what a healthy adult is supposed to do -- healthy adults handle adult feelings just fine or with support from other adults. Unhealthy adults put that on kids. If they feel like they can trust that "Dad can handle himself" it might be a relief.

Wondering if you can do a Zoom call between the FT and your kids before the Friday session, so that the FT can level-set for the kids: "here's what to expect; here's how FT usually goes; don't be surprised if I give everyone a turn to say their perspective; I'm going to listen to everyone -- you, Dad, Mom, your siblings, and people don't have to agree; here is why I do XYZ; feel free to share your real thoughts; the rules for everyone will be: no yelling, no namecalling, no interrupting; etc..."

You and the kids and the FT can't control what your W does, and it's not the kids' job to "say the exact right words with the right tone" to "manage" your W's feelings. However, you and the FT, as adults, do have more choices when it comes to long-term, strategic thinking, which doesn't necessarily have to mean "barhoram never gets to express feelings" but might mean "barhoram, as the adult, will be planful and consider long term goals when choosing how to interact in FT".

Lots of food for thought... again, there are no right or wrong answers here, just sharing one approach to starting therapy. Getting clarity on what it can and can't do, and getting clarity on how it interlaces with your goals for your kids' safety, your family life, and your marriage, seems like a smart first move.

Any of that resonating with you? Anything sound not-workable, or off base? Looking forward to hearing more of your story;

kells76