BPDFamily.com

Hi all! Can anyone explain possible reasons for this -

BPD mom, who may also have narcissistic traits, hadn't been replying to my postal contact or emails for a couple of months. She later wrote that she didn't reply because she saw that "my life was going well and left it at that." Twice she wrote that in one email.

I can't connect the dots between "my daughter's life is going well" and "thus I don't need to respond in any way."

Translation? Thanks!

One possibility is that it's a jealous resentment, YOUR life is going well so she doesn't want to associate with you - but it's also possible to assume a more charitable outlook and that she typed out some angry drama-laden email to you each time and then deleted it as her therapist recommended or something like that so was legitimately trying to be kind...not realising how oddball that is to normal people.

Thanks PearlsBefore, I had been aware of the BPD symptom of the jealousy response to other people's happiness or achievements, but I didn't know if her saying "I just left it at that" is some sort of normal parenting strategy - don't respond to children unless they need help or are sick. Seems unhealthy to me. It punishes the child by withholding affection or interaction if the child is doing well, essentially the silent treatment.

My simplistic view is that moms with BPD resent other people’s happiness, and especially that of their daughters, because they identify most with same-sex offspring. I think she was giving you the silent treatment to try to take away some of your happiness, lest you forget all the (good) things she did for you. She probably can’t find any encouraging words for you, either. She might even want you to feel as bad as she does, so that you begin to understand how much she is suffering.

I know that’s all very negative. I think you might consider yourself “lucky” that she didn’t try to completely sabotage your happiness. That’s what “I’ll leave it at that” means in code.

One possible explanation is that the reason she tells you isn't the real reason. She may not even know what the reason is- or she's projecting her own feelings but when asked directly- she will say something just to divert you.

If I ask her a question directly- likely she won't answer or the answer she gives isn't the actual one. If she offers a reason, likely it's what she wants me to think, but I won't know if it's the actual reason or not.

Growing up in an extremely disordered family of origin and large extended family, I have had to work on not wanting people to have a problem for me to feel interested in them and not feel unwanted with healthy people who don't have any problems they need me to help them with.

 CC43 thank you, I think your explanation seems like something mom would feel. Although maybe "I left it at that" can't make sense because she's disordered, it doesn't make sense I just need to make it make sense LOL. My dad uses that phrase too. "No news is good news" is another he uses.

NotWendy, yes, perhaps she isn't giving the real reason. I don't know. Thanks though! I'm finding it helpful to explore possibilities but probably also need to just stop wondering. In any case it's not going to bring any two people closer together if one ignores the other when the other's life is going well, and I have never wanted closeness with my mom anyway.

zachira yeah I can see how a disordered family would set you up for having to work on that. Weirdly mom has not been helpful when I have problems. If I have trouble she piles on with her own troubles to elicit my pity or help.

I think we wonder as a way of trying to make sense of it. Somehow if we can find a reason, maybe it helps us to manage it? I know I also wonder- why did she say or do this?

I'm not sure it's possible to make sense out of disordered thinking but I have been able to figure out patterns of behavior- such as the "reason" isn't the actual reason. If I buy into the "reason" then, I will be taken off guard when the real reason becomes apparent.

It's unfortunate that I am skeptical of what she says but since it's happened a lot, I have learned to think of what she says in this way.