BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

Long-time lurker here, asking for guidance this time.

Background: I've been with my wife, who has been diagnosed with BPD, for over 10 years—7 of those married. We have two children, one in kindergarten and one in preschool.

We are a multicultural family. We used to live in my wife’s home country but moved to mine to start a family and pursue a less stressful life. My home country offers excellent schooling, childcare (covered by taxpayers), and a good work-life balance.

Soon after the move, we found out we were pregnant. Around that time, my wife began experiencing serious mental health issues, initially diagnosed as depression and later more aligned with BPD. My wife has a traumatic, abusive childhood, involving a narcissistic, alcoholic father and an enabling mother.

Before her pregnancy, she was very fond of her parents. However, once pregnant, she began recalling the abusive experiences from her past, and her relationship with them deteriorated. At the same time, her mood swings became extreme, shifting from happy to angry to depressed within moments. This pattern has continued for years. We’ve been in therapy before but currently aren’t undergoing any treatment. My wife has also refused medication.

Current Issue: Whenever we face any discomfort—big or small—my wife goes into flight mode. She announces that she is going to leave the kids with me and move to another country (without specifying which). Each time, I go through a process of reassuring her: discussing our future travel plans, reminding her of the good aspects of our life, etc. This usually calms her down, and by evening, she’s generally happy and thankful before going to bed.

However, this pattern now repeats almost every morning, consuming 2–6 hours of my workday. It’s becoming impossible to maintain.

On top of this, I struggle to control my own emotions. I find it extremely cruel that she speaks so casually about leaving her children behind to escape her own pain. To me, this behavior feels selfish. However, I know pointing this out only triggers her extreme shame. I try to validate her feelings by acknowledging that she must be in tremendous pain to even consider these thoughts, but she keeps demanding a “resolution”—something to take away her pain.

Her proposed solution is for us to live part of the year abroad in a place with milder weather. While we’ve discussed destinations and even considered buying a property, she frequently changes her mind, and we’ve never followed through on any plans. When her mood shifts again, she blames me, saying it’s my fault we haven’t figured out a way to live abroad. I try reasoning with her, pointing out what we’ve done (e.g., paying off the car, mortgages) and suggesting that, for now, we focus on travel. But then she claims that those were all her ideas and insists that I need to come up with more solutions.

Honestly, I don’t have the energy or time to figure out someone else’s needs when they themselves aren’t sure what they need. I’m already taking care of the house, the kids, and providing financially. I’m happy to do all of that, but I can’t spend 30% of my day helping her regulate her emotions or endlessly trying to “fix” her pain. Ultimately, I don’t think I’m capable of achieving that for her.

My fear is that even if we meet her current needs, another equally urgent and demanding need will arise, requiring major changes yet again.

She has a tendency to try to change her environment in an attempt to feel better. I’ve realized we’ve moved apartments nine times in 11 years. With the kids, I feel it’s no longer sustainable. They need stability and roots.

My Questions:

What can I do to break the cycle of her trying to escape and threatening to leave the family behind?
Has anyone else been in a situation where they’re part of a multicultural family with a BPD spouse? How did you handle being blamed for their pain—especially related to your home country?
Thank you for reading. That turned into quite a rant, but I appreciate any advice or shared experiences.

I think your answers are in your post. There are certain principles about behavior that apply to humans and also all living things- if a behavior is reinforced, it will continue. If it's not reinforced, then it's likely to diminish in frequency.

We can't control another person's behavior- we can only control our own behavior. However if a behavior continues- it's being reinforced. So then, we have to look at what we are doing that reinforces it. Also what is reinforcing your behavior because it's continuing with both of you.

Your wife has free will. She can leave if she chooses to. So far she hasn't. She's threatened to but she hasn't. If someone wants to leave- they will. You can plead, promise, but they control their actions. So this threat to leave is, at this point a threat. Why would she make this threat?

It gets your undivided attention and reassurance.

Why do you repeatedly change focus on calming her down? Because of your own fears- it's managing your fears and so your behavior is a reinforcement.

She is "using you" to manage her own emotional distress. You are "using her" ( trying to control her feelings) in order to manage your fear of her leaving.

Step one- own your emotions. You may need counseling to help with this. Think rationally. If she left- it would hurt, you wouldn't like it, you don't want her to, but you will cope. If you can manage your fear, you can then change how you are reinforcing her threats.

Step two- she needs to learn to manage her feelings ( if it's possible) but she won't learn to do it as long as you are doing it for her. If you can change your perspective from you being nice and easing her pain to seeing how this stops her from learning how to manage her feelings better- then you may be able to pull back on soothing her when she makes these threats.

Don't disconnect or be cold- just begin to diminish your soothing responses. She doesn't have other self calming skills so don't make a sudden change- just gradually make some changes on your part- and reinforce less. Your calming conversation may actually be invalidating to her. She says she's miserable and wants to leave. You then say "but look at all the good things". Another approach would be "I am sorry you feel this way, it must really feel bad".

She may then vent. She may say things that upset you- like how awful you are- but try to not react- these are her own feelings - not necessarily true. You don't need to listen to verbal abuse. Likely it's about her being unhappy. But don't fix her feelings for her. Say things like "I am sorry you feel this way" . Also, if it's during the work day say "I have a work meeting now. I can continue this when I get home". Have some boundaries.

Do not change your work, your home, your stability according to her feelings. You have already seen that this doesn't work. She may believe it will but her feelings are a part of her, not where she is. Wherever you go, the feelings will go too and as you have seen, the feelings can change.

This isn't only due to being different cultures. Understandably that being out of one's culture may feel less comfortable, but these behaviors happen in BPD relationships even when both partners have the same culture.