|
Title: Wife has complaints no matter what I do. Post by: NeedAdvice123 on November 21, 2024, 09:39:15 AM I can really use some advice. My wife is diagnosed with BPD and I am diagnosed with Autism. I work 60+ hours a week while my wife doesn’t have a job because it is very hard for her to keep one. When I get home I also clean and cook what I can because my wife injured her knee last year and is still recovering.it has become an 80/20 split where I do 80% of the things around the house while she does whatever she can that day without hurting. I have taken up a lot of responsibility for our relationship and the day to day of our lives, but my wife is never satisfied. One days it’s “you’re perfect and I’m so lucky to have a man like you” and the next it’s “you make me feel like a maid, I’m always cleaning up after you” or if I am doing everything right with cleaning it’s “ you never want to cuddle or spend time with me, you are always busy doing stuff” “you always make me feel so alone”. I feel for my wife I really do, we have been together for almost a decade, but I don’t know how to keep going when I solve one problem she complains about there are always 10 more she has in her back pocket to pull out when she feels the slightest bit abandoned or like she isn’t getting enough out of our relationship. How can you make someone realize you are doing everything you can while living paycheck to paycheck and don’t have enough money for therapy or other treatments. We argue a lot and when I try to set boundaries about how I would like things to go, my boundaries are always over stepped, but when she sets boundaries that’s the law and if I overstep that’s it. She will walk away and throw tantrums because things get heated and it ALWAYS leads to “I can’t do this anymore” “why are we doing this let’s just get a divorce”. The next day things are different because she doesn’t actually want a divorce and she has calmed down enough to realize she said those things in anger and didn’t really mean them. When is it too much? This is a monthly occurrence now and I am really starting to question everything.
Title: Re: Wife has complaints no matter what I do. Post by: kells76 on November 21, 2024, 09:55:20 AM Hi NeedAdvice123 and *welcome*
You must really be at a point where you need something to change. Working 60 hours and then caring for the home would wear anyone down -- everyone has physical and mental limits, and it sounds like you're near yours. It's interesting to hear that your W has a diagnosis -- how long has she had the diagnosis? Is she accepting of it, or minimizing of it, or does she approach it another way? Is she in any kind of treatment or therapy? Do you have any supports or resources relating to your autism diagnosis? And do the two of you have any kids? ... This part of your post stood out to me as possibly an area where we can find that change that you need: when I try to set boundaries about how I would like things to go, my boundaries are always over stepped, but when she sets boundaries that’s the law and if I overstep that’s it. She will walk away and throw tantrums because things get heated and it ALWAYS leads to “I can’t do this anymore” “why are we doing this let’s just get a divorce”. The next day things are different because she doesn’t actually want a divorce and she has calmed down enough to realize she said those things in anger and didn’t really mean them. Tell me some more about what "boundaries" mean to you right now. I.e., when you say you try to set boundaries, what does that look like? what do you say or do? Sometimes there's a "pop culture" idea of boundaries that gets in the way of having true boundaries. The "pop culture" idea is more like having preferences, trying to make others do or not do something, trying to have rules for others, or telling others "I won't tolerate it when you do X". Then, the other person "doesn't comply", and we get so frustrated, like "she never respects my boundaries... boundaries don't work on her". There's a more accurate, more effective definition for boundaries. True boundaries are rules for ourselves (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0), that are fully under our control, and that don't rely on anyone else to agree, cooperate, follow the rules, or think it's a good idea. With true boundaries, the only person who can "break" or "disrespect" our boundaries is ourself... not anyone else. As odd as that sounds, it puts a lot of power back in our hands. Anyway -- take a look at that link when you have a chance; I'd be interested to learn what stood out to you. Also, if you're up for it, feel free to write out how a typical argument goes for you two (like a movie script: "he said... she said... he said"). We can definitely work with you on finding ways to make changes that are fully under your control |iiii Glad you found us; kells76 |