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My BPD stbx is angry with my family and threatening to disinvite them from our daughters upcoming bat mitzvah. I don’t want my daughter in this position - her grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins on my side not there. Or more practically in the middle of conflict over their attendance.

Thoughts on handling this now and also if she actually follows thru (which tbh is not likely)

It's your daughter and so, you can invite your family- no matter what your stbx says or says to them. Chances are, your family is already aware of your stbx's behavior. You make sure that they are invited and let them know that if your stbx says anything otherwise, it's not true.

This is a big moment for your D and your family.  It's important to put your D and the reason for the event at a priority. This is a major milestone and a significant event, not your stbx's own birthday party where she can invite whoever she wants.

However your stbx behaves, it reflects her behavior. You can't control her behavior but you can, and should, have your family at your D's bat mitzvah.

I hope this is just an empty threat that she doesn't follow though on but keep in contact with your family and make sure they know that you are looking forward to seeing them and want them to attend.

While this is a special event for your D, it's also comes with stresses- she is going to be the one reading during the ceremony in front of everyone. She's going to be great- but she also is probably a bit nervous about it too. She is the #1 focus here. Let her know you are supportive of her and will do what you can to have it go as well as possible.

The threat about disinviting your family may be an empty threat aimed at getting a reaction out of you. Your stbx also knows she will be in front of people at the bat mitzvah and this is a motivation to not act up. You do not have to react to her on this- this brings attention to your stbx. Keep the communication open with your family.

It would be an embarrassment to your stbx if she acted up over the bat mitzvah. Chances are this is an empty threat but-  make sure your family is there- no matter what your stbx says or does and give your D extra support as she prepares for this big day.

One option might be to sit down with the rabbi together and plan out the event.  Who/what/when/where - and put the focus on your daughter. 

This would probably happen at some point anyway?  Sometimes BPD behaviors dissipate or at least fade from view in a public spotlight.

I'm not suggesting that you overtly try to enlist the rabbi to manage your stbx, rather I'm suggesting that the sooner the planning includes others - not just you - the more likely it is that your stbx will either keep her worst instincts in check - or expose herself for all to see.

My parents tended to get into an argument during special events. I recall a graduation (mine) where my parents got into an argument, my father walked out. They went back to their hotel to continue it.

I watched my friends and their families go off to celebrate together. I spent the rest of the afternoon in my room, alone and upset.

If the attention was on me- BPD mother could get my father's undivided attention if she was able to provoke him into reacting to her.

I'd be vigilant of your stbx provoking an argument with you- which will detract your attention from your D. The threat to disinvite your family could possibly be a provocation.

Stay focused. This is your daughter's big day- this one is about her.

How are you hearing about the threats -- email, text, parenting app, phone calls, in person, through the kids? ...other?

Or, is she telling your family directly "I will disinvite you", and then your family is telling you?

Thanks all. She’s not going straight to my family. She’s said this to me. It’s going to ramp up because stbx was arrested 3 weeks ago for DV at my house and is about to be herself disinvited from my sisters wedding.  (I’ve made it clear I do not want her there, she is triggered by my family). But my sister really doesn’t want this at her wedding.  So sister is going to tell her not to come as well.

It ain’t pretty.

I don’t want or need to prove a point or be right I just want my D to have the best. day possible. It truly is all about her. 

It's good to keep the focus 100% on your D, that's smart  |iiii

It also seems wise to remind yourself that engaging with her statements as if they have weight, actually adds more fuel to the fire than if you leave that stuff alone and don't engage.

Like you're already thinking:


pwBPD struggle with accurate emotional expression. If she were more normal-range, she might say something like: "I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with D's bar mitzvah coming up -- it's going to be a lot of people, and I'm just having a hard time with my baby getting older, too. I'm kind of conflating my own bittersweet feelings of D growing up, with anxiety about having your family there, and instead of being able to manage my own feelings and share them accurately, I'm saying I'm disinviting your family -- even though that's not the issue."

All that to say -- she may not "follow through" because her statements about "I'm disinviting your family" aren't really what she's feeling, so there's nothing there to follow through on. Or, it's how she felt at one moment, and she may feel completely different as the event gets closer. Hard to say.

I'd suspect things would get more "hot" and confused if you engage with her inaccurately expressed statements.

Good suggestions from others to do as much planning and prep "behind the scenes" with the spiritual leaders, event organizers, and your family, as possible, without needing Mom's cooperation. She's free to inaccurately express herself; you're free to coordinate for the event and contingencies in parallel.

We had a similar experience with the kids' mom telling the kids she didn't want them to go on an international trip with us. We had to make the same play -- not engage with that stuff because that would give it more weight and focus than it needed. Background here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347972.0

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Is your sister willing to wait until after the bar mitzvah to disinvite your W?

There's a wedding and bat mitzvah coming up?

I call it BS. I think your stbx is saying this just to get a reaction from you. Is she going to attend the bat mitzvah? I think it would be difficult to exclude your D's mother from that. Your sister does not have to have her at the wedding if she's your ex.

Which is happening first? I think timing makes a difference. If the bat mitzvah is first, consider asking your sister to delay the wedding uninvite until after the bat mitzvah so to avoid that drama.

So for your D's sake- don't be reactive to your stbx and whatever she says. You make sure your family is there for your D's bat mitzvah - whatever she says to them.

If you think your stbx is going to act up at the bat mitzvah- consider having "reinforcements" there. Even if you have to hire someone to accompany her- someone who will be one on one for her.

You would think if your stbx didn't like your family that it wouldn't bother her to not be invited to the wedding but it may not be that way. My BPD mother disliked my father's family and it was mutual. After my father passed away, I assumed they'd have nothing to do with each other. There was a reunion on my father's side and they didn't invite my mother. She got angry. I was surprised. I asked her why- because she wouldn't have attended- and she said on principle, she felt they should have invited her.

I wonder if your sister didn't say anything about uninviting her, if your stbx might just not attend and it may avoid drama to not say anything. There could be a risk she may not show up but if she doesn't like your family, she likely won't. At least maybe say nothing until after the bat mitzvah if the weddding is after that.

Looks like Kells and I posted the same thing - to consider your sister not saying anything for now till after the bat mitzvah ( and maybe not at all- it may not be necessary)

Alley, Sorry to hear about that DV...

Since the divorce process is ongoing, it's probably extra difficult to balance things.

While the threat to disinvite your family hits on an emotional level, and you recognize that your family triggers your stbx, and your stbx feels entitled to retaliate or reciprocate for the wedding, perhaps there's a way to knock this into the nuts and bolts divorce frame instead of the emotional "how do I deal with this person" frame?

Simply pointing out the difference between your sister making an adult choice that's hers to make, vs. making a choice on behalf of your kid that your kid probably doesn't want - likely won't work - because that's explaining, the big E in JADE.

But perhaps there's a chance to appeal to your stbx's better instincts?

i.e., "this is about our kid, not you or me - and we need to demonstrate to our kid that we can be mutually supportive" - do it in writing, assuming you're still able to communicate directly following the DV...

if you get any kind of agreement, great.

if you get opposition, maybe authorize your atty to have a sidebar with OC to let them know that you have new documentation of stbx's attempt to create conflict during the kid's big event.  

in other words, make it OC's job to talk her down... imagine how that will play out... OC: "this won't look good for you... " etc.  

a bit like what I suggested with the rabbi, it's another way to get a 3rd party involved - even a highly partisan one - her atty.

how does the bat mitzvah line up with the divorce process?  any major hearings or other important moments on the horizon?  hopefully you can keep these processes separate to some degree...

I also like Kell's advice to starve the fire - so maybe hold this in your back pocket.  It sounds like a reciprocal threat.  When is the wedding?  If it's after the bat mitzvah, maybe see if your sister is willing to hold on any overt decision or communication until after the bat mitzvah is complete.

hang in there.

Can you speak to the relatives on your side of the family and let them know what is going on, that they are indeed invited and you would very much like them to attend?

Thanks all.  To be clear no one is talking about my D’s mom (also stbx) being kept away from the bat mitzvah. The wedding is weeks away.  Bat mitzvah is months. There’s no OC. She never hired a lawyer.  In my dreams she gets one.

Thx this is all pretty solid.

There is plenty of time betweent the wedding and the bat mitzvah. I think this is just an angry and empty threat. She really can't disinvite your family. Even if she said something to them, they'd ask you about it.

BPD mother got angry when we told her we were going to the reunion. She would not have gone, even if invited. I did feel badly for her because she could see us make the effort to go there instead of visiting her but it wasn't that we did it to be mean, we wanted to see our relatives.

She got angry, refused to speak to us and then began to say "and I won't ever send your kids any more presents" ( they don't really want her to send them anything). This is similar to "not going to invite your family" . It's something in anger in the moment.

A few weeks later she had calmed down.

Your stbx may be angry at being disinvited to the wedding and may say all kinds of thing- don't react. They probably are things said in the moment.

Typically I steer people away from "bad triangulation" (involving a third person in an unhealthy way between two other persons) to solve problems. An example of "bad triangulation" would be the Karpman Drama Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0).

Not all triangulation is unhealthy, though. Sometimes involving a third person can stabilize an interaction (see the "good triangulation vs bad triangulation" section (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)).

Theoretically, the wedding invitation is between your sister and your kids' mom. Ideally you would not participate -- your sister can invite whomever she likes to her wedding, and your kids' mom is free to respond however she feels, about getting invited or not.

Your suspicion that the rumored bat mitzvah drama may be related to wedding disinvitation could be accurate. Caring for your kids is your top priority.

What are your thoughts about you and your sister getting on the same page about the "least bad" way to uninvite your kids' mom from the wedding, so that there's the least amount of fallout on your kids? It is triangulation, though it is to stabilize the interaction and care about your children.

Is your sister able to dial back whatever frustrations she has, and do a BIFF-type approach (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0):

"Hi Kids' Mom;

Thanks so much for your willingness to support us on our special day. Unfortunately plans have changed, and we've had to pare down the invitation list. Please know it's the last thing we wanted to do, and we appreciate your understanding of this difficult change.
All the best to you and the kids;

Sister"

Kells, thanks for the distinction re: good and bad triangulation.

Alley, sorry for speculation, but it sounds like your stbx is avoiding the divorce, may have a reunion/reconciliation fantasy, and is therefore disappointed/surprised that she may be excluded from her stbx-sil's wedding.

The exclusion from a big event - the wedding - is a sign of reality closing in, and so she's fighting back with a threat that she can't really enforce. 

Although everyone in Alley's family is naturally apprehensive about what she can do to potentially ruin either event - and then project this outcome on to Alley and family.  Of course that's why she's not invited to the wedding (if only we could have copacetic events instead of conflict...  I thought Paltrow's "conscious uncoupling" was a bit high falutin' - precisely until it became aspirational!).

The wedding exclusion is embodiment of abandonment, and probably some other fears your stbx is harboring - you with the kids at a fun, family event...   do you think that might be why she's "extra" (even for her) around this event?

Do you have a shared parenting schedule at this point?  How are the kids doing?

She does have a reunion fantasy. She is convinced that our dysfunction is explained by avoidant-anxious attachment theory  (a lot is) and could be addressed with couples counseling and that I should accept perimenopause as the reason she became angry, emotionally and physically abusive.  I can’t get over it and even if I thought th perimenopause explained the physical abuse the idea that the counseling would “fix”
Us is premised in no small part on me changing.

Kids are okay. Parenting order 50/50 in place. They are going to be very disappointed and sad and confused their mom isn’t going to the wedding.

This thread has helped me put the bat mitzvah threat on perspective and deal with it if and when it is actually an issue. Great perspective I needed.

Hope things are going well with holidays, school breaks, and special events. It can be a lot to juggle.

Your approach here makes a lot of sense:


Sometimes game planning it ahead of time can help us relax and realize we don't need to act early -- we'll have the skills and ideas if/when the need arises.


I remember when my H's kids wanted to know if they could invite their mom and stepdad to my family's beach cabin. I think they were young enough (maybe 7 & 9?) that I kept it at "you know how X spot on the coast is your special place with Mom and Stepdad? This place is like that for us. Mom & Stepdad have their special place with just them and you, and this is our special place with just us and you" (or something like that).

Your kids are older, so maybe they can handle a conversation involving ideas like:

it is hard when families change, like with divorce, and that in turn changes who does what and with whom. It's sad and also normal for invitation lists to reflect that change. Some people get invited, and some people end up not invited, because that reflects that the family is changing. There are two families now and while sometimes they do the same things like school events, other things are going to change. Sometimes even though it seems like a nice thing, it'd actually be unkind to keep inviting someone somewhere. It might be too sad for them, instead of being joyful. So, sometimes people end up not invited, and as weird as it sounds, it is nicer to them.

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Fill us in on how things go for you and the kids. Hopeful you get some peaceful and joyful times together  |iiii