BPDFamily.com

For the past 15 or more years, my spouse and I have been trying to make things right for our child but always seemed to fail and do a miserable job. I felt I had failed as a parent. My work and relationships suffered (still are) as I struggled to determine what was going wrong with the daily onslaught of verbal and physical abuse from our child. I consulted therapists and always got a patient and kind ear, but there was no solution. I spent a considerable part of my savings on my child's expensive education abroad (which we hoped would foster independence and help remedy the situation). Still, it is all back to square one now.
A few months ago, I started reading the "Walking on Eggshells book", and finally, it was a great relief to label the problem and to "radically accept" the same. That and many other books gave me considerable inner strength and hope. I could now see a pattern in the family, with one of my parents also having shown strong traits of BPD. I realise I also exhibit some traits, but the therapy and medication for general anxiety and depression have helped.
Now, our key cause of concern is our child, who will refuse even any suggestion of any form of diagnosis or treatment. My expectations are now a bare minimum: a healthy, peaceful and content life for our child. I now feel at the mercy of fate and can only trust myself and my spouse to take conscious and mindful small steps to help our child. I join this community to learn from the experiences of others, share mine, and get some relief from the sharing.

I feel we are in the same boat. Like looking in a cracked mirror. This is my first time reaching out to any support group. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find one in my area over the years.

Hi bpd241202

Welcome.  :hi:

That's a long journey you've been on, glad you've landed here for support.

I spent many years here daily digging into the resources to understand my daughter and speaking with members; gaining support and giving support.

Radical acceptance was one of my first learnings, Tara Brach. My, I felt such relief.

Is your daughter living at home with you, how old is she and has she received a diagnosis of any kind?

Small gentle mindful steps you speak of worked for us.

WDx  :heart:

Hello hope2002 and welcome  :hi:

Like you I found no local in person support group, back in 2015 (I'm in the UK).

Glad you found us BPDFamily.

WDx :heart:

Hello wendydarling and hope2002
Thanks for your responses, and I apologise for not replying earlier. My daughter is 21. She is not formally diagnosed, as the only consultation that we did with a psychiatrist a few years ago went very badly. After that, it has been impossible to get another consultation. Yes, she is living at home with us. At this point, only if she is willing on her own to seek help can we do anything. For me, it is now more of radical "resignation" than acceptance :-) My spouse is still hopeful and keeps trying and, unfortunately, bears the brunt of my adult child's wrath. As part of my acceptance, I have found peace and have stopped trying too hard, to the extent that even under the same roof, we hardly talk (my daughter and I). Yes, deep inside, I secretly hope, but I fear the worst as well.

I started reading the book "When Your Daughter Has BPD" by Daniel S. Lobel. The 1st two chapters felt like reading the precise story of our family. It was a relief that this was an identified problem, and it also highlighted our "enabling" behaviours. As I read the "actions to be taken" chapters, I feel it is too late now - we have crossed the limit of repair. What is others' feedback on following the instructions prescribed in this book and their effectiveness?  Though I understand they are correct, we have tried much of this in the past, and these positive/peaceful confrontations never ended well.

Hi there BPD parent,

You've come to the right place.  If you read these boards, you'll see that many parents are in a similar situation.  It's exhausting living with a loved one with BPD, who, no matter what you do, seems to be stuck in a pit of negativity.

Look, your daughter is only 21.  She still has most of her life ahead of her, and she can still turn things around.  If you care to share, it would be interesting to know if she completed high school, and if she has taken some college classes.  That would be a good sign.  Has she ever held a job, even for a few weeks?  That would be a good sign as well.  Does she have any friends?  Maintaining friendships is so important in young adulthood.

I wouldn't be surprised if things got worse before they got better.  At your daughter's age, she's bumping up against adulthood, but with BPD, she's emotionally immature.  It helped me to think of my BPD stepdaughter's emotional age as only around 70% of her chronological age.  So at 21, she was really only around 15, emotionally speaking.  To expect her to live independently, plan her future, handle complex adult relationships, shoulder responsibilities, manage daily tasks, be productive around 40 hours per week, etc., was simply TOO MUCH for her.  Her ability to handle distress/discomfort and setbacks just wasn't sufficient for "adulting."