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First post here. I’m struggling with knowing how to talk with my partner about his ex-wife. They have no children together, but they are still close friends and she still comes to all the family gatherings. She has previously been told she likely fits the criteria for bpd.

She has been negative towards me in very subtle (but hurtful) ways, and the boundaries that are currently in place are not always comfortable for me. She has also been negative towards my partner in subtle ways. My partner does not acknowledge this: he says that she was abusive to him in the past, but isn’t anymore. That’s not what it feels like to me.

It feels like she doesn’t respect normal boundaries, and it feels like my partner doesn’t completely recognize this. He seems to defend her and the current situation, and to do things to support her that are more than would usually happen in this type of relationship. It feels like the two of them are in agreement about how things should be, and any negative feelings I might have are not welcomed.

I know I need to talk to my partner, but I’m scared about how he might react, and how she might react if he mentions it to her. He has said to me that previous people he has tried to date have had negative reactions to his relationship with her, and he attributes this to jealousy. He also seems to have discussed these things with his ex previously, rather than dealing with them within the relationship.

I have worked very hard on myself over time around this, and have come to the conclusion that I am not jealous, but I do need to feel that my partner and I are on the same page with this, and working as a team to support each other, especially when it comes to challenging behaviours we might encounter.

How can I bring this up in a way that doesn’t cause everything to implode? Thank you in advance for any help or advice.

I am sorry you are in this situation. I think your feelings are valid. They aren't something to dismiss as jealousy.

I know this is difficult to process but I want to take the focus off of the ex wife and on to the relationship between the two of you. She may have BPD but what you are feeling has to do with you and your partner. Even within this relationship- the only person you can control is yourself. While you wish your partner had more boundaries with his ex, he's the one to decide this.

Personally, I don't think it's necessarily wrong to have some communication with an ex to some extent in certain circumstances- but with boundaries. You are not reacting to your partner ever having contact with his ex but are not comfortable with the boundaries on this relationship.

Emphasize the you in this. You are feeling discomfort. That's what's important. You are feeling discomfort because your own boundaries with this relationship are being violated. You are also afraid to bring this up with your partner because he dismisses your feelings- that is invalidating.

Unfortunately, there's a mismatch here between your boundaries and his.

What are our own boundaries? They are basically our values. They aren't something we impose on someone else. Another person has the choice to respect our boundaries or not. Our choice is - if someone doesn't respect our boundaries- what are we going to do about this?

Boundaries aren't necessarily right or wrong. People can feel differently about things- and we can choose. Why would someone feel uncomfortable with their romantic partner being close friends with an ex? It would appear he has not completely emotionally separated from this connection and so, isn't fully emotionally available to you as a romantic partner. If this is important to you- that both of you are the main emotional connection- this is a value and a boundary. You may not care who he's a casual aquaintance with but this isn't casual, whether or not it's with an ex or someone else, or BPD or not.

Some people feel that unless they are actually physically cheating they aren't cheating. But there are shades of emotional connection that can result in someone being emotionally less available to their partner. It may not be technically "cheating" but it feels hurtful.

You need for a partner to recognize your feelings, not dismiss them. This situation bothers you. To remain silent about it feels hurtful to you.

Some tips for communicating this. Keep it about you. Use "I" statements. Don't approach this about him being wrong or her being he problem (read about the Karpman triangle- he seems to step in to defend her). Don't make statements like "you need to stop doing this " or "you need to see she's still into you". If you make him wrong, he will likely be defensive.

Keep this entirely about you.

"I feel uncomfortable with how close you are with ____________" Is there any possible way we can work on how to change this?"

His initial response may be to be defensive or dismissive. But if he really does care about you, he will hear you, even if he reacts. This is the scary part because he may not want to give up this relationship- and have the best of both of you, but that isn't working for you which then puts the choice on you- continue as it is or you decide this isn't the kind of relationship you want.

So if he reacts defensively- rather than you react and escalate it, stay calm and say "I hear what you say, I will need to think more about this" and end the conversation. Then wait and see if there's any action on his part to decrease the intensity of contact with his ex, or not.