BPDFamily.com

Hi I'm new to this forum so thanks for having me.

I'm so confused and really struggling. I still love her very much.

My Ex who has been diagnosed for many years with BPD has left me for the second time.

Il try keep this short but the first time she broke up with me it was for 4 months. I couldn't get her to budge. But then one day out of now where she came back and practically begged to get back and we did.

This lasted 8 weeks and she kept telling me how crazy she was about me and how much she loves me and all the pain she went through the first time she broke up.

One night we where out she was telling me that she loved me so much and could see her spending the rest of her life with me. Then after a misunderstanding where I gave her the silent treatment because of some issues I was having and didn't want to talk about she broke up with me the next day.

We didn't speak for 8 weeks and I was full sure she would come back as it seemed such a silly reason to breakup especially after everything she felt about me.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I contacted her.

Hi how are you, just wanting to make sure your ok been thinking about you.

Messages received like

I can't stop thinking about you, I miss you so much.

I loved you more then I.thought was possible

I've been miserable and can't remember last time I was happy.

I'd jump at the chance of being you girlfriend again but I'm so scarred that we will break up again.

It wouldn't be fair to either of us to get back together with me like this

I'm scared it won't work.

You have me terrified of PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing up

We have tried before and end up here.

She told me she tried a couple of dates and that she didn't have the head for them.

This upset me and I called her out on telling me these things... ( Possibly giving into her fear of I keep PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing up)

Any way I sent a few messages after that and she ignored. Two days later I sent message to say whatever about us I want you to get better and have all the love and support you need.

She did send a love heart to that.

5 days ago I gave in. I sent her a heartfelt message about how much I loved her, how much I.wanted it to work and I would work hard to support her and make the relationship work. No reply........

I'm devastated..... I know she has said a lot of these things before and come back, but this time around I think this may be final and she has never not replied to a message... no matter how emotional or upset she has been ever.

Have I lost Her? Do you think she may still come back?

Thanks

Hi Mrparsnip and welcome to the boards  :hi:

BPD relationships can be high emotional intensity... not just for the pwBPD, but for you, as well. I really hear your confusion and struggles, and the emotion going on for you right now. It must be a lot to carry, plus the uncertainty and fear about losing the relationship. That would grind anyone down.

pwBPD really struggle to manage their own harmfully intense emotions. They typically don't have as much bandwidth for their partners' emotional struggles. It's kind of like if you were trying to carry a full 5 gallon bucket of water with no lid, and someone comes up and is like, "Can I just pour a tiny bit of water in here? Could you carry that for me? It's like one drop, it's not that much." -- you literally have no space for it on top of your own struggle to carry your full bucket.

My thought about this:


is that dynamic (full bucket of water) may be going on for her. pwBPD might get more easily overwhelmed that most people at even positive emotions. We think we're offering love, support, and devotion -- even though those are positive things, sending a lot of messages like that might overwhelm her, as she's dealing with her own stuff.

While there are no guarantees in life, it is something that she was interacting with you over the shorter messages.

She may need a longer time to get back to an emotional baseline than she did for those messages (and longer than non-pwBPD need).

I might play it cool (not cold/icy, but low-key/chill) for now. Don't press her, don't chase, don't pressure, don't let your own anxiety drive you to pester her for reassurance.

If/when she reaches out again, keep the content low-key, easy, no emotional strings (Does she like topics like animal rescue videos? Puppy training? "Good news" reels/links?). Steer away from "relationship talk" (unless she explicitly wants to go ther) or "declarations of your love". Allow her to drive the pace/content of interactions. Avoid "needy" moves ("can't you just tell me if you want to be together or not?", "I've missed us so much").

Most importantly -- even more than "will she reach out, will we reconnect" -- is you working on yourself. The relationship dynamic you two had didn't get there overnight, and while part of her contribution was BPD, you also contributed to the dynamic. Figuring out what your contribution was, will give you a better chance of steering clear of this breakup/makeup cycle in the future.

One place that might help to start, as you wait, is learning about the Karpman Drama Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0). It's a framework (there are many) for understanding how we participate in conflict in unhealthy ways. If you decide to take a look at the link, let us know what stands out to you there.

Hang in there;

kells76

Thanks for your reply. I'm really not coping to be honest. I have "Mild BPD" I've been told my self. I'm stuck and the anxiety every day gets worse and worse. I'm so scared that she will forget me and just meet somebody else. After all she said she went on some dates although she said she didn't have the head for them. All the same the thought to date other people was there.

He messages where just so confusing. "I'd jump at the chance of being your girlfriend again, but I'm so scared it won't work again. Was she looking for validation, was she looking for me to convince her we could work?

I really don't want to lose her. But something tells me I've lost her already.

what was the first break up about?

I broke up with her because of my own insecurities and over something small she did. It was so pathetic that I can't even remember what it was. Where I tried to rekindle she was having none of it and she called the whole thing off.

I realize we have a lot of work to do and that this crap needs to stop. I just want it to work so much. She was amazing.