BPDFamily.com

Hello!

I'm so grateful that I found this forum and I'm hoping to get some perspective on my situation through insights, advice, or shared experiences here. I feel like I not only need to establish healthier boundaries with my family, but I have been thinking about speaking to a lawyer to protect myself if I decide to stay in contact with them as much as I have been in the last few months. BUT per usual, I'm also second guessing myself and asking myself if I'm being too sensitive.

It always feels bizarre to try to describe my relationship dynamic with my family so please bear with me.
For some context, I (37 F) grew up in a narcisstic family and as the youngest, I was often scapegoated, dismissed, and silenced. Mainly, I noticed a lack of integrity, lying and gossiping in my family, which was annoying, but as a kid I didn't have the education that I have now to understand the deeper layers of the dynamics. Spending time with friends and their healthy families also provided perspective that my family is manipulative, exploitative, and passive aggressive. As I grew older, I became more verbal about the dysfunction and kept some distance from them, which they of course did not like.

I was the first person in my family to go to therapy (becuase everyone told me I was too sensitive and angry) and I studied psychology in college to find some answers. After the first few sessions with my therapist asking her to fix my sensitivity and anger, she told me that it sounds like I was abused and neglected throughout my childhood. I was shocked by hearing this, but also not so shocked. I love my family so I viewed their behavior as annoying and often embarrassing, but until I started therapy, I thought it was mostly benign and that I was the problem. I would tell myself that I just didn't fit in.

My therapist also eventually disgnosed me with PTSD. We did a lot of work together to heal through that. During this time that I was working with my therapist, I kept low contact with my family and it was probably the happiest and most peaceful I have always felt.

Now I'll share about my mom (in her 60s with NPD/BPD) and sister (41F with BPD), which is mainly why I came to this forum to reach out for help.

I would have stayed no contact with my mom and sister if I didn't have nieces. I have two nieces (16F and 1F). I am child free, but have always wanted to have a family of my own. Growing up, most of my jobs were working with kids in a school setting, coaching sports, teaching cooking, and nannying. It's also my worst nightmare to have nieces that I don't have a relationship with because I have 5 biological aunts who I hardly know at all because my family is so dysfunctional (so many awful stories there). I want my nieces to, at the very least, know that they are loved and that they have access to me. With that said, I have tried to maintain a relationship with my mom and sister to have a connection with my nieces. For example, I was low contact with my mom until my niece's dad reached out to us asking if we could take our niece for Christmas because my sister was supposed to have her, but she couldn't afford to fly her out to the state where she moved to (more context to follow). I obviously love my nice so it was no question that I was going to plan a Christmas with my mom so we could spend time with my niece. Looking back, although we had such a fun time, that was a catalytic event to get us to where we are now.

I will try to make this short and concise, but for additional context, my 16F niece has always lived full time with her dad who is now married with more children, so my niece has a stable family life with them. I was friends with her dad before she was born so we have a decent relationship and I have been able to stay in touch with my niece mostly through him and his wife. That's an entirely different story. Nonetheless, I worry less about my 16F niece, but in the past I have done everything I can to visit wherever my sister was currentlly living to help make sure that they are safe.

In short, my sister abandoned my niece. She was horrible to the dad, but blamed everything on him of course. My sister claims that she wanted to show her daughter that it's possible for women to live their best independent life, free from "the system". Meaning, free from the responsibility to provide for yourself. For a while, I supported my sister until I started learning more of the truth that she was burning bridges everywhere she went and she practically gave up on being a mom. Even though she left and stopped being a mom, she would complain to people, including our family, to get sympathy and support (including financially) because in her words, she was a struggling, single mom. Her narrative during this time was that the system doesn't support single moms. She often shared on social media about her "journey". (Please note: I struggle to open up about this because I empathize with my sister on a lot of things based on our upbringing. But I can't bring myself to support her when she lies to get things from people because she doesn't want to get a job.)

My sister then moved over seas and she cut me off for whatever reason. After no contact for some time, she invited me to visit her while my 16F niece was also visiting. It quickly turned into a complete disaster and emotional roller coaster. She continued to give me her sob story about how she's broke and struggling as a single mom and tried to manipulate me into weird financial hooks. Note: she has a lot of nice things that she proudly speaks of as if she's doing well, but when it comes to the big things like having shelter, food, and transportation, she expects people to help her pay for everything. We went back to low contact after this visit.

Fast forward to the last couple of years, my sister had a second daughter (1F) with her current partner. This is where things get sticky for me again because I've been through hell already with my first niece. (There are a LOT of details that I haven't shared of course.) I did my best to show my support for my sister during her pregnancy, but rightly or wrongly, I was completely confused why she had another baby when not long beforehand she was complaining about how she can't afford to support herself, let alone provide for her first daughter. She also cut me off again during her second trimester because I didn't know how to prescribe cannabis for her pregnancy pains. She was doing psychadelics and using cannabis while pregnant, and assumed that I would know how to help her because for a year I was using cannabis to heal from a medical condition. Rightly or wrongly, once again, I didn't want to judge her or make assumptions, but I was concerned. I told her that I didn't know anything about using cannabis while pregnant so she should find support elsewhere. She raged at me, cut me off, changed her phone number, and apparently spread lies to family about me again because I got a bizarre lecture out of the blue from a cousin about not supporting my sister. Once I gave my side of the story, she started to see how she was being manipulated by my sister.

Fast forward to the present, I start hearing from my sister again. All the sudden, I'm the best sister and auntie EVER. Lol, and I should add that during the time that she cut off contact, I was applying for school and was denied a student loan because my credit was not good enough. Note: I HAVE NEVER HAD A SCORE BELOW 750 IN MY LIFE. (I apologize for raising my voice.) I looked into it immediately of course, and when I was providing my information to a creditor, guess whose name popped up with my SSA? MY SISTER! I remained calm. Maybe it was a mistake. The creditors looked into it and I was able to smooth things out and make sure my finances were okay, but it spooked me. I didn't want to accuse my sister of anything. I honestly thought that maybe I was hacked. Then I started getting my sister's unpaid phone bills sent to my house. I have never experienced this before so although I didn't want to jump to conclusions, I called my mom about it. Then I heard from my sister out of the blue and she was being super nice to me until I asked her about the credit thing. You don't ask my sister questions. No, no. Big mistake lol. I didn't confront her or get upset. I simply told her what happened and asked if everything was okay. Nope, not okay to do with her.

Moving on, although I thought my mom and sister were being a little shady about the whole thing, I decided to trust that someone was just trying to get a hold of my sister while she is running from her financial struggles. Another side note, she has changed her phone number at least 5 times while she was pregnant and shortly after the birth. A little suss in my opinion.

After my 1F niece was born, my sister started reaching out more and being super nice as if nothing has happened. This is no surprise to me because she did the same thing with my 16F niece. She had cut me off while she was out living her best life, and she would start reaching out again when it seemed like she was trying to be family and do normal things, but in reality she wanted free, unlimited babysitting.

Back to the present, my sister is staying in touch more often and she shares with me that her partner apparently told her that he is no longer getting an inheritance from his mom. Apparently, after his mom visited them when my 1F niece was born, she decided to write him out of the will. The inheritance is now going to his twin brother. This raised a huge red flag for me because they had also cut my mom off until they found out about the inheritance. They started asking my mom to pay for things, but then they would immediately sell those things. My mom started sharing this with me after I reached out to her about the credit situation, and she claims that she now feels manipulated by my sister. Not sure what to think about this because in my opinion, my mom has a pattern of enabling, but what she really wants is control through financial means. She has tried to do this to both me and my sister for our entire lives.

More on my sister and her current partner.. They are choosing to be homeless and not work. They claim that they are nomads living freely off the land, but in reality they are living on other people's land, refuse to work and have burnt almost every bridge they have because they go around scamming people for money, calling it "trading". I acknowledge that this is a speculation and judgement of mine, but it is based on the patterns of what my sister started telling me about how they got to where they are now. It could all be nonsense, but nonetheless, my sister is homeless with a small child and I am concerned.

I started researching CPS and what it would look like to have someone check on my niece, and then out of the blue I find out that she's now moving back to where my mom lives after claims of being so happy livng where they are. She has also been reaching out to me talking about visiting where I live, even though every time I have mentioned that she is welcome to come visit me, she has dismissed it because she doesn't "feel called to the land" where I live. She would claim that they're happy where they live and that they're too sensitive to live in a house.

My apologies if this sounds judgemental and all over the place. This is how it all sounds in my head. I'm feeling confused, frustrated, and concerned. If it were just my sister, I would lovingly support her from afar and let it be what it is. But like I said, I have stayed in contact because of my niece's and I have wanted to stay available just in case something terrible happens. It feels like the right thing to do? At the same time, I have felt like I have had to remain silent and not be forthright about my real thoughts and feelings because my sister is so volatile and irrational. It's exhausting and I often feel physically and mentally ill trying to make sense of everything, protect myself, be empathetic and supportive, and keep my eyes and ears open for any safety concerns for my nieces.

There is also an element that I don't even know how to explain, but it involves my mom being in on everything. I don't trust my mom either because she has enabled my sister for a very long time and has aided her in lying to me. They cut me off and say all kinds of horrible things about me, and then when their other sources run out because they've burnt bridges, they come to me. That's what it seems like at least.

My sister keeps indirectly asking for discounts from my company even though I told her already that we don't offer that. All the sudden, where I live is a place that she has been wanting to come to for a long time, regardless if I live here. All the sudden, I'm the best auntie ever even though she tells the family otherwise. I would have more empathy for her, but she refuses to work on top of everything. I'm more than willing to help someone through hard times if I'm able to do so, but this is not the case with my sister. Every job is beneath her and she doesn't think that as a mom she should have to work that hard. I get it to an extent, but she has a partner who also refuses to work and it sounds like she's trying to play the struggling single mom card again. Except, she's not single.

I haven't said too much about my mom, but she has also been complaining to me lately about being broke and retired even though she turned down a job offer and didn't need to retire (she is healthy, has tons of energy, and loves to work). Also, she is very well off and not broke at all. She has told me that she set up a trust and wants me to be in charge of it at some point. This concerns me because she also said that the inheritance between me and my sister won't be equal. Meaning, my sister is going to get more because she has kids. BUT she wants me to be in control of HOW my sister gets that money because she doesn't want my sister to squander everything. I literally could care less about getting an inheritance aty all. I do well for myself and I work hard. I don't want to be a part of any of this because of the way they think about people and life in general. They're just unkind at the end of the day. I empathize with the struggles of BPD, but back to my question, where do we draw boundaries?

I left a lot of details out, but hopefully this made sense and I provided enough information to go off of.

As I started writing, I feel like this turned into more of a rant, but I would love some support in discerning what this all sounds like and if I need to simply figure out new boundaries with my mom and sister, or if I should start researching and seek counsel to protect myself further. I also feel the same urgency that I did with my 16F niece to protect my 1F niece, but I genuinely don't know what to do. Thanks so much for your time in reading and responding if you're able!

Welcome to the forum. I think it would help to list the issues individually. One is the legal aspect. I am not a lawyer but from my own experience dealing with my BPD mother is that legal issues involve breaking laws, and also if someone presses charges. Some examples of where legal action was not possible is when I called social services to inquire about my father- who I felt was in an abusive situation and my BPD mother who was spending money recklessly.

Since my parents were consisered to be legally competent, my father would not go along with charges of abuse, I had no legal grounds to intervene on their behalf. As it was said to me "your parents are legally competent to make their own bad decisions".

Identity theft is illegal and this is what your sister did by using your social security number and having bills sent to you. IMHO, I would seek out a lawyer about this- to consider ways to protect yourself. Even if you don't wish to press charges on your sister for this-she may do this again and so having protective measures in place is something to consider.

Child abuse is illegal. Seems like the 16 year old is safe with her father. I understand your concern for the 1 year old. While they were not able to intervene much, we did spend a lot of time with my father's extended family and this was helpful. If you do suspect abuse- CPS is an option.

Protecting yourself financially is important. My BPD mother spends recklessly. I understand your mother's concern that your sister would too. However, it is very difficult to control money that is in the hands of a legal adult. My mother has done significant damage to the funds my late father left for her. I understand your position- I didn't expect/want the money myself- buut I wanted to see it be available for her needs.  Legally, it's hers and she can make her own decisions with it.

Where you need boundaries is that- if your sister and mother run out of funds, where is your limit on helping them. They may deplete their own funds but you can not allow them to deplete yours.

Read up on the Karpman triangle dynamics. Seems your mother is in the role of rescuer to your sister. I would be concerned about being in a control position of your sister's inheritance. I asked my father to give me some control over their finances when he got ill- due to my concern about my mother being irresponsible with money. He agreed- but she refused. She wants control. So I backed out from that idea.

I have seen dysfunction in a will too. BPD mother has changed hers a few times - if she's angry, she changes it. She eventually gave me power of attorney which I didn't get involved with until she was in an assisted living and needed help managing her bills and taxes. It's more like being the "disempowered" power of attorney as she remains legally competent. Trying to reason with her about money has been ineffective. A relative tried to help with this too and it didn't work. Legally, it's her money to do what she wants with it. If your mother wants you to manage any money for your sister- here is where it would help to have input from an attorney on the best way to set this up.

You also want personal boundaries too. How much contact/involvement do you want with your sister and mother? Also how to stay out of the Karpman triangle dynamics with them. Your counselor can help with this. Legally though- the issues to bring up with a lawyer could be how to protect yourself financially and from identity theft. Your mother will make up whatever will she wants but I'd have a lawyer review anything you sign for or agree to before you do that.