BPDFamily.com

I'm sorry if this is the wrong category I'm posting in or anything I haven't used this or anything like this before, this is my first time asking for help on anything.

I just really want to know how to improve, recently I've been personally struggling with my emotions after things that upset me during fights with my partner or just general mental health issues i have, I haven't really been feeling the best and i love my partner and she's who i wanna go to so i can feel better and just get out all my emotions but sometimes i feel just somewhat nervous about speaking up about anything im feeling. There have been times where i can tell her whats wrong and that i feel depressed or hurt over something and it can end well, she's really truly an empathetic and caring person i just know she can struggle with feeling accused sometimes especially if i bring up something that hurt me or how im feeling. I need help on going about talking to her about things i feel hurt about, because for a long time i just feel like a lot of pain is building up and i never get it out like its just swept under the rug, my heart still aches from things that happened even years ago. I just want help on a way i can get feelings out to her and how i can approach her without making her feel accused, i dont mean to make her feel accused or upset at all i dont want to fight but i know that sometimes it can just end bad if i bring up my feelings. Any help on maybe the right words to use or anything i'd appreciate a lot

I apologize if my writing wasnt good or im doing something wrong or just ranting, i havent used this before
Thank you

I wanna stress like i said she really is very kind at heart and caring and i know that side of her i just want help on how i can reach that side of her better when i need without causing her any feelings of being accused or that she's bad or anything, i dont ever ever say shes bad or does anything bad but sometimes when i try to say im hurt or upset she can take it that way, i wanna know how i can avoid her perceiving anything as accusatory if i can I really try hard

as you may know, and/or are finding out, people with bpd traits can be highly sensitive to perceived criticism or slights.

its hard to separate "i could have done better at _______" from "im a bad person".


what has worked? what hasnt?

This is something that I struggle with as well. My spouse is incredibly sensitive to criticism, and reacts in extreme ways.

I've found that choosing one thing at a time, being organized prior to the conversation, and having a goal can help. An important key is to keep it short. When my spouse gets overwhelmed, it works best to say something along the lines of "I can see you're having a hard time hearing this. How about you take a little time to think about it and we can regroup?" Sometimes, my spouse never brings it up again, and sometimes I get an apology a day or two later. It's important for us that I do not press, though I've been known to do that a lot.

It almost never goes exactly like I describe, sometimes there's still a huge meltdown and it wasn't worth it. Picking your battles can help.

I think we need to accept that people with BPD can never really be there for us in our times of need. It doesn't mean they are bad, or uncaring, or selfish, or any of those things. Rather, they live with a serious mental  health condition that makes it very hard for them to set aside their own (excruciating) suffering, and care about ours. A good therapist can help them with this, if they are prepared to accept their condition and embrace help, but they will always have some inadequacies in this area.

For those of us in a relationship with someone with BPD, they key thing is to accept this limitation, because it is the truth. Railing against reality will not change anything. The best thing we can do is to build our own emotional support network outside of the relationship, so that we can be strong in ourselves without needing to lean on our partners. Friends, family, our own individual therapists or counselors, church or spiritual support - anywhere that we can get emotional support for ourselves is so important if we are to make a success of a BPD relationship.

Once we are well-grounded ourselves, then we can gratefully accept whatever our partner is able to offer in the way of support, rather than silently berating them for letting us down.

All this applies to our physical health, too.