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Title: >Trust Post by: Valverdr on December 26, 2024, 10:06:07 PM Hello,
Reaching out as I’m desperate !! I love my wife dearly & been married 36years. She recently read a message to an old employee that has been taken out on context. My wife has BPD & is my best friend, although I have been through a lot in 36 years I’ve taught myself not to take it personally, but due to the text message she now says she cannot trust me & it is threatening our whole relationship !! I have never been & never will be unfaithful to her she is my wife & I love her. Just need a bit of advice to help explain that I’m am not in love or anything else with this other woman !! Thanks Valverde Title: Re: >Trust Post by: kells76 on January 06, 2025, 02:33:03 PM Hello Valverde and welcome to the group!
Wow, 36 years is a significant amount of time. It makes sense that you're seeking help and support to preserve your long-term marriage. Her reaction to the out-of-context text message sounds familiar around here... most pwBPD struggle with appropriate emotional regulation, and she sounds hypervigilant, too, maybe. Just for context, has she responded similarly -- saying "I don't trust you" or "our relationship is over" etc -- during other conflicts in the past, or is this new? What did the text message say? (You don't have to post it exactly, but knowing generally what it said could help). Just need a bit of advice to help explain that I’m am not in love or anything else with this other woman !! I think I'm tracking with you that you're committed to staying married -- you want a good, lasting relationship with your wife. If so, then I might approach the situation a bit differently than by explaining my point of view. "Explaining" to her why she got it all wrong will likely feel really painful to her -- because it'll come across as you caring more about defending yourself than hearing her pain and confusion. Our workshop on Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0) is a good resource for learning more about why Justifying ourselves, Arguing back, Defending ourselves, and Explaining what happened, tend to make things worse instead of better. I wonder if you could ask her more about how she is feeling/felt? Whether we think her reasons for feeling in pain and afraid are "real" or not, the feelings themselves are real, and if her feelings aren't noticed and acknowledged (note: you aren't agreeing "yes your reason for fear is real", you're saying "it would be so painful to think I might be cheating" -- big difference), the conflict will likely grow. Validation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0) is what that's about -- not agreeing "you've got the right reason for feeling that way", just coming together with her to acknowledge "it would hurt to have those fears". ... How have things been over the last few days? |