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So my wife and I are likely at the end of our marriage.  No divorce has started yet, but chances are high that it'll happen soon if we don't get off the path we're on.

I don't want it too, but that's a topic for another time.  I know I can't control her actions (even if there is a part of me that wants to, but hello caretaker behavior).

Instead I'm trying to find my own inner peace on how this woman who I married and was for several years until an outside triggering event went from someone who was loving and caring to someone who is self-destructive and seemingly driven by mass amounts of anxiety caused by childhood trauma.

For myself, the wounds I carry are being raised as a caregiver by a dysfunctional parent, which was then compounded by purposeful forced isolation by them.  Which means today, I struggle with being isolated.  It causes some low level anxiety in myself.

So I'm sitting here right now, and trying to figure out what's real and what's truth anymore?

We're living apart at the moment, and yesterday she seemed happy as we texted.  Then didn't show for our scheduled couples time.  And has ignored my calls / texts since then.  I know compared to two years ago I've grown enough to not be left just pacing the house with worry (some of this comes from my own trauma of worry and some from that event that left her missing and injured with me in the dark for several days at the time).

But I also am just so confused by all of it.  Like I know she has anxiety and is avoidant.  Yet how can she be okay with knowing that not doing the basic communication (i.e. I'm okay but I want to be alone for a bit) will then leave me in a place of hurt?

Maybe the big picture I am struggling with here is that I've got an abuser in my past who would gaslight me and manipulate me to force me to be a caregiver to their dysfunction.

And now I'm in this place of limbo where this woman I love is either that person I thought she was but is so wounded that she can't see how she's hurting me.......or I've ended up with another person who has taken the wounds I have and is manipulating me using them.

I just don't know what's real anymore.  I want to believe in her and support her, but I also know that that is like drowning myself in this life of limbo.  I've done it for years and it's killing me.

-WalkingInRain

Hi WalkingInRain,

What a painful time you're in. I'm so sorry things seem stuck in this slow decline; I wonder if it's worse emotionally than if a big blowup happened.

It makes sense to me that while her not responding to you might be a 3/10 for someone else, it's maybe a 9/10 for you, because of your unique history. You've been wounded in the past by isolation, and that's still an active wound for you relationally.

It does sound like she's very wrapped up in her own wounds right now, so much so that she's hurting you whether she "means to" or "knows it" or not. And maybe that's your question: does she know the impact on you of what she's doing (or not doing).

Have there been times in the past where you both have been able to follow "couple rules" for anything -- "we both agree to text back in X minutes" or "we both agree that each of us can spend up to $X without asking the other person", etc?

And you mention you two have scheduled couple time. Was that an agreement between you two, or are you working with a therapist to referee your separation?

If you're not currently working with a T, and you don't want to divorce (while at the same time knowing you can't control her), I wonder if that might be the next step for you to move forward on. The current separation structure and rules don't seem to be resolving or helping either of you. Could you try a therapist/counselor as professional referee to manage the "rules", provide accountability, and be a neutral third party giving feedback.

While that's not a guarantee that "oh now my W will have a breakthrough and turn around", there is a sense in which you pursuing adding a T to your situation will be telling about what your W's goals and intents are.

Like you mentioned, your W can divorce you without you wanting a divorce -- that's not under your control.

Likewise, you can start seeing a LMFT on your own, even if your W declines to join you. It would be great if your W did join you, and I'd recommend trying to find common ground or agreement with her (vs ultimatums/threats/demands). Maybe your W is experiencing a problem with the current situation, even if it's not a problem you experience, but the common ground would be: "both of us agree that there are problems with how things are".

Therapy may or may not help your relationship to heal; it's not a magic wand, though it can provide structure and feedback that can help some couples. To me, it seems like there's not a downside to adding that support right now. Either your W will be on board with it or not, and if both of you are on board with it, the sessions may help the two of you decide for yourselves if you want to work on repair or if you choose to end the relationship.

Which circles back to your question of what's real or not -- it makes sense that when it's just the two of you, things get blurry and confusing. Adding a third set of eyes may bring some clarity to some areas. Probably a T won't be announcing to you "when she said X, that was real, but she was lying when she said Y" -- not like that. More that a T can help you build your own sense of self and your own sense of being OK with the tensions in your situation.

Because maybe the issue isn't "is it A or B", it's that there is A and B at the same time. Maybe it's less about "once I figure out if it's real or a lie, then I can know whether to do X or Y" -- it's growing the strength and acceptance of yourself, for you to decide "I may never know whether my W is doing this stuff 'on purpose' or not -- what I do know is me, and what I need, and what I can let into my life, and what I think I would want to attempt to repair our marriage before deciding it's time to part".

Lots of food for thought, I know. Mostly I'd be curious if you and your W could get some agreement on adding a therapist; if not, then that's important information for you, too.

You're not alone in this... the pain and confusion you're feeling are real and difficult, and we're here to listen.

So much of what we hear about the triggers and traumas with our loved ones is that it often extends back into childhood.  However, that's not an excuse for poor or even abusive behavior.

The person you've seen and lived with IS who she is.  Maybe with meaningful therapy she can improve but right now she's not who you wish her to be.  Some do improve to some extent, but others report here that their ex never substantively improved, not enough to continue the close relationship.  In your case, the best we can say is, Time will tell.   Hopes and promises mean little, it is the long term actions toward recovery that are important.

Meanwhile, Priority #1 is You.  (As announced on every flight, In the event of an emergency, put on your oxygen mask first, then help others.  If you're without support, how can you help others?)  If you have children, then they and their welfare are Priority #2.  Sadly, she can't be at the top of your list of concerns.  This is not to minimize her, it is just that you need to care for yourself in order to help her or others.  As suggested, if she will join you in seeking experienced relationship resources, that's good too.

Your spouse is an adult and as an adult she can do whatever she decides to do.  What is in your power is how you respond to her actions.  (You already posted before that you don't want to make her go to therapy.  That's a good perspective.  Her recovery, if any, depends on her, not so much you.)  Likely you've set boundaries and they've been trampled on since she probably doesn't respect your authority now as a person and spouse.  If divorce (family court) does happen, know that it also sets boundaries, somewhat reluctantly and minimally, but family court is The Authority.  Those boundaries are called court orders as it unwinds the marriage.