BPDFamily.com

TL/DR - what should I do when my partner is self harming in front of me?

Hi everyone. My partner, B, has BPD and we have been together 3 and a half years. We both have children from previous relationships and they live with us. During this time I have had to help B with major lows, self harming, suicide attempts etc.

We moved in together a couple of months ago there were teething problems but mostly ironed out now. B is polyamorus and had a partner when we met who she doesn't get to see often due to his job. She recently began seeing someone new and has been very high on NRE which has impacted on us but we are working through it. I am on my own polyamory journey, I'm definitely polysexual but am starting to explore things more with B's help. I am meant to be going out next weekend as part of this journey and I'm scared that this is a large part of what's causing B to split right now despite her being adamant I shouldn't cancel plans.

Last weekend was a special one for her. Over the course of the weekend she managed to see all 3 of us at some point which she was obviously very happy about but the crash she is having now is horrible.

She's massively depressed, barely eating, has withdrawn from.me, is pining for new guy and as of last night began self harming again.

I never know what to do when she starts.Last night my initial instinct was to fight it, tell the voices in her head off and to leave her alone (this sometimes works so is always worth trying), I  held her wrists to stop her punching herself in the face, banging her head etc and tried to get whatever she's using to cut herself away from her. Eventually though she always finds a way to do something, I temporarily had to leave the room and i came back to find her choking herself with her dressing gown cord, so under controlled circumstances I let her cut  as its the only thing that seems to help it stop.

Last night I half found a tactic that snapped her out of it short term. She can't stand seeing me hurt (I have mental health issues of my own) and I mirrored her for a bit and every time I did she stopped what she was doing and said she didn't want me to be hurt even though she wouldn't see that I was trying to stop her hurting herself any way possible. She eventually got to cut herself, I hate myself for giving in but nothing was working and the extremes of her head banging etc kept ratcheting up and I was scared she'd concuss herself, and after angrily telling me I'd made it about me not her she fell asleep. I don't know if it was her saying it or the voices (I have spoken to them before when she's fully been lost in a splitting episode).

I fully appreciate my choices were not the best. What am I supposed to do when she's that determined to hurt herself? I'm scared if  I ignore it and let her cut she'll do serious harm but me trying to stop her seems to be making it worse too. Please tell me what you do and what the right approach to this is.

Polyamory and BPD is tough, because in order to do polyamory well you have to be exceptionally good at communication, emotional regulation, and self management. Folks with BPD typically are not good at those things. My spouse and I started off polyamorous, and quickly transitioned to monogamy because it was such a tough scenario for both of us due to their BPD. Your miles may vary, but I've dated two different people with BPD in a polyamorous context and they were both disastrous for the same reasons you're listing here.

There's two kinds of poly people in my opinion: people who can have a healthy relationship and are choosy about who gets involved, and people with disorders who want 2-5 partners that they don't have to fully commit to. It's not always BPD. Often the folks with the disorder implicate healthy folks who are unfamiliar with polyamory because they can't find healthy polyamorous people (because the healthy ones are choosy). The reason I say this is because that was my intro, many of my friends who are poly have had this experience, and I've watched it happen over and over. This still may just be from my vantage point though, and you may have other experiences to draw from. At the end of the day, I decided to become monogamous with my very favorite sick person because it was a lot easier than dating 3 sick people who were also dating 3 sick people (which in poly math makes it 12 sick people in your immediate life, not counting the people beyond that!)

You may not have to change anything right now, or do anything too suddenly. It helps to just not add any new players to the game. You could get into a good groove of a set up and stick with it. NRE is disabling for folks with BPD, I've watched it happen over and over again. It's just too much for them.

As far as the self harm is concerned, I started dropping my spouse off at the emergency room when they self harmed or threatened suicide. Things started to get better very quickly after that. The guidelines of "is my partner at risk of harming themselves or others?" really helps. If the answer is yes, off to the hospital. If they're just idle ideas of self harm, I don't make any moves. Active intent and action gets moves.

My spouse has begun to toe the line on it, and has been choosing things like drawing on themself with markers, pulling out arm hairs with tape, or a rubber band around a wrist. They got serious about being safe when I took their unsafe behavior seriously. I'm in close contact with their therapist and psychiatrist and I'm always honest with them on what I see.