BPDFamily.com

Hi , looking to share some experiences and epiphanies i have had over the holidays and the new year here . My beautiful daughter( 20 yo)  has been diagnosed with ADHD and BPD , she is currently following a DBT course and occasionally displays remarkable self awareness and mindfulness but a perfect storm of mini and more important setbacks have set in motion a chain of events that culminated in a  dramatic breakdown .
I have been very stubborn in "accepting" her diagnosis and have on occasion been a little ham fisted in my communication with her , impatient and invalidating her feelings , just telling her  to pull herself together and get on with it . This escalated one morning when i got a call at 6 am and a request to wire some money to her . I asked her why she needed money at this time and whether she had been drinking all night . She flew into a rage and hung up on me . Throughout the day i tried to reach her to unpack this encounter and found that her phone was off , received a message midday from a worried friend of hers that had claimed that she had confessed she was fed up and wanted to end her life ( she has a history of self harm and suicide attempts ) .  I charged forward to her place ,and imagining the worse ,let myself into her flat with my spare key as there was no reply to my knocks . There she was on the other side holding the door, her first words where " what the f**k dad ?! " to which i felt my anger rise and i asked if she knew why i had intruded so . She replied a mumble of sorts a told me to f**k off . At this point i could no longer contain the anger a let a tyranny of anger and insults pour out of my being, the worst of which was " you are behaving like a c**t , grow the f**k up !!!"   . That was that , i didn't hear from her for a week . My concern mainly is that she has spent all her allowance online gambling and drinking she has fallen into a group of friends that appear to be taking advantage of her and she seems totally unable and unwilling to see reason or climb down from her perceived sense of outrage and is sinking now .  I understand now that my role is to regulate my own emotions a little better in the light of these challenges but damn its frustrating to witness . I basically am looking for some help and perhaps some advice on how to get through to her . What's really difficult when trying to calmly discuss things with her is that it very rapidly escalates and becomes an angry and intense monologue , so it sometimes feels that everything must be negotiated on her terms and when she feels ready to discuss it , in the meanwhile everything else seems to fall by the way side . I am not the most emotionally regulated being myself and am a recovered alcoholic of 6 years now , in a way it makes it all the more painful to see the direction she is headed but i feel i can still be  a positive influence in her life and want to find a way to guide her to wellness .

Hi and welcome.
So sorry you are going through this pain.  Does she still live with you?  Nevertheless,  your first duty is for you to hold onto your sobriety.  Please do what it takes; a 12 step program like AA would help tremendously with your self care and keeping the focus on you.you will learn  how to detachment with love.  Bpd is such a slippery slope for family, but especially if you are fighting for your own life, too. How to get through to her?  You are not going to like this, but Acceptance is your first step.    It is her responsibility to get through to herself.  You are not responsible for how she spends her money, even if you are giving it to her.  As an adut, Once it's in her hands, it's hers to spend .The best way to help her
 Is to help yourself first.  Try to step back and hold still for a minute re: her friend  circle,  her money.  Thank you for including this group in your network of support.We are here for you .

Hi there Jim,

It sounds to me like you're about where my family was around six years ago.  My stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD when she was a young adult.  Like your beautiful daughter, she had a series of mini setbacks which snowballed and became bigger ones.  She also shows remarkable empathy at times, but in a flash she became a seething cauldron of misplaced anger and despair.  She acted very entitled and needy, too.  Like your daughter, she often talked of suicide and had multiple attempts.  As she got older, she weaponized suicide to get what she wanted, or get out of something she did not want to do.  That was a very dangerous game to play.  I called it her "nuclear" phase.  I was living with an emotional terrorist!  Sound familiar?

The good news is, once my stepdaughter started taking therapy seriously, she got back on track.  Though she's still a bit behind emotionally and socially, she has made a ton of progress, and to the outside world, people might not even realize she has had serious emotional struggles.  She's living independently now with parental support, and that's a major turnaround.

Like you, my husband has a short fuse.  It was no surprise that encounters with his daughter would often result in a shouting match.  However, neither of you is able to resolve any complex issues by shouting.  I think you would be better off if you could try to refrain from shouting--that only feeds her fire.  I know it's hard, because she really pushes your buttons.  That's the perfect time to practice your coping mechanisms.  One is called grey rocking.  Rather than get riled up, try to be as still, quiet and boring as a grey rock.  I have used this technique many times with good results.  Another technique is to get some separation, just say, "Gotta go now," or something along those lines.  You could take a walk to get back to a calm state.  Sometimes I'll do a mindless physical activity, like unloading the dishwasher, wiping down counters or folding laundry--I might stay in the same room, but somehow the activity takes the temperature down a notch, and I get a bonus of completing some chores.  Just try not to do the chore with passive-aggressiveness--slow down and try to remain calm.  Make it look like you're just getting on with your business as usual.

Anyway, my top few tips for you include:

*Do not subsidize spending on illicit drugs or alcohol, as I've observed that illicit substances make BPD behaviors much worse.  My stepdaughter self-medicated with marijuana, which sapped her motivation to do anything and fed her delusions and paranoia, leading to highly dysfunctional behaviors.  You can't control what your daughter does outside your home, but you could prohibit these substances in your home.  If she wants to purchase drugs and alcohol, you can't prevent her, but she would have to earn the money to do that.  At least working a job, any job, is an important adult milestone.  So if you do support her financially, I'd recommend paying for things like rent, insurance and food directly.

*If she makes a credible suicide threat or actual attempt, then you call 911 and get her to a hospital.  Playing with one's life is no joke.  If she gets to a hospital, there's a chance she might get the help she really needs.  Eventually she might learn that a suicide threat lands her in the hospital, and if she wants to stay out of the hospital, she can't continue to weaponize suicide.

*Treat her meltdowns like an "adult tantrum."  Do you know what works best for an adult tantrum?  An adult time out.  She needs time and space to cool down.  Let her decide how much time that is.  In other words, don't run after her.  If you show up at her place without an invitation, not only are you intruding, you're interrupting her time out.  If you text her a bunch of times to "beg" her forgiveness or to come back, I think you're only adding fuel to the fire.  I bet that since she's only 20, she still needs you desperately, and she will be back soon enough.  Give her the time and space to do that.

*Be sure to take care of yourself and to live your life.  For a few years, my husband and I could hardly go on vacations because we felt we had to "babysit," and my stepdaughter would always seem to have a crisis that would make us rush home early to "rescue" her.  I think that adversely affected our lives, and also inadvertently fed my stepdaughter's dysfunction.  I resented her (and my husband) for that.  My point is, if you allow her to "terrorize" you and prevent you from living your life, it's almost a guarantee that she'll do it--to control you, to punish you, to ensure she remains the center of your universe at all times. You deserve a life too you know.  She's an adult now, she shouldn't need you to babysit her all the time.  I'm not saying you should completely ignore her, or to abandon her, but you should be able to live your life.  In fact, I think you should model what a healthy adult's life looks like, and that includes enjoying yourself, as well as erecting some healthy boundaries.  One might be, I don't pick up calls or respond to texts at nighttime.  If there's a real emergency, she can call 911 herself.  I will handle calls or texts once I wake up in the morning.

Now you might say, CC43, I'm worried sick about her, and I'm stuck in a FOG, wracked with Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  I know you are.  But the FOG is distorting your thinking and making you hyper-reactive.  I think your daughter needs to see you as a calm and supportive ally, rather than riding the rollercoaster alongside her.  In a bizarre way, she might like to ride the rollercoaster, but you are way too old for that, as it rattles your bones.

Look, I won't lie to you, my stepdaughter had to hit bottom before she took therapy seriously.  It may be that your daughter is really working at therapy, and that would be great.  It's a long road though.  My stepdaughter at first just "went along with" therapy, and she'd skip sessions because she didn't feel like it.  Her priorities were elsewhere--she wanted to do what she wanted to do, and my husband didn't have the heart to tell her, "No," lest she attempt suicide.  He basically gave her everything she asked for, in the name of keeping her alive, and her neediness only grew and grew.  She was a bottomless pit of entitlement and rage.  So when I read that your daughter was demanding a wire from you at 6 am, and then exploding in anger when you didn't meet her demands without question, I suspect that your daughter might be in a similar place.  Now, the good news is that you didn't wire her the money, because that would teach her that you have no financial boundaries.  But her rage was not an appropriate response.  I think you should have let her calm down first and let her try find her own solution to the financial problem.  Maybe she'd calm down and call you again in a few days and try again.  If she flips out, then you wait again.  But if she's calm enough to have a conversation, maybe you could find out what the money is for.  If it were for something important like rent, maybe you say you could help her out, but only for half, and if your daughter gave you her half, you would pay the landlord next month.  My point is, she needs to learn that tantrums don't get her what she wants, adults have to work for what they want, and to treat you with kindness and respect.

I wish you some peace.

Hi ,

Thanks so much for your responses and advice . It yes it does all sound very familiar , I guess at this point its about creating a safe environment for her and me establishing my boundaries very clearly as well , for her benefit if not mine . Need to step back a little and get some perspective and again thanks so much for the tips and comments its given me a lot to chew and ponder on   

Cheers ,

Jim