BPDFamily.com

Hello, I'm new here, this is my first post.  

I'm a Christian man in full time ministry, married, with 4 incredible children still in school living at home.

Several years ago my wife and I were having some marriage issues we couldn't overcome.  Our organisation placed us with an in house licensed counsellor, who happened to be my boss, which in hind site was a huge mistake.  After an initial 2 meetings with me the counsellor said he'd be happy to continue to meet with me if I wanted support, but he didn't feel that I needed professional help.  My wife on the other hand began meeting regularly with him for a couple years.  There is a lot more I could say about the counselling, but will keep it short by noting it ended abruptly when my wife found herself in sexualized transference with him.  They both swear nothing happened, but I have significant suspicions, especially considering his lack of character.

Towards the end of the counselling he privately told me that he very strongly suspects my wife has BPD, that he wouldn't diagnose because he didn't think it would help, and that if I told anyone he would deny ever saying it.  I know, great guy and a terrific counsellor, highly recommended ;).

Since then it has been a real struggle keeping our marriage together.  These are some of the things I'm trying to manage on a regular basis: name calling, put downs, extreme emotional reactions, taking blame for everything negative while not receiving credit for anything positive, she can't connect on an emotional level, she can't stand any type of physical touch, physical intimacy happens 1-2x/yr despite my efforts, constant unfair accusations.  

I struggle with the lack of fairness sometimes, feeling like I have to do everything perfectly while she gives no effort to our marriage and takes significant offence at the littlest things.  I feel like she is constantly working to sabotage our marriage and family, but also that she desperately wants both to be healthy.  Conversations about these things always end up with her saying "I won't be accused", or her accusing me of gaslighting.

This is the first interaction I've had with any type of support group.  I'm not really sure what to expect here, but appreciate being able to express some of these things.

Hi RevScot, glad you found us, and *welcome*

Definitely a difficult situation you're coming from. Your description of the blurred lines in "counseling" with you, your wife, and your boss/friend/counselor, really hits home -- briefly, long ago, when my H and his kids' mom were together and having marriage problems, they asked H's then-best friend to "help them". The best friend ended up suggesting to H that divorce "wasn't a big deal", didn't help them resolve their issues, and got engaged to the kids' mom ~3 months after the divorce was final. Blurry boundaries do seem to come with the territory, and can be stressful -- and you're not alone in being in that kind of situation, where you're trying to get your marriage healthier, but something isn't right. Really gut-wrenching stuff.

Just a few questions to get a better sense of what you're coping with:

how long have the two of you been married?

how long ago did the "counseling" end?

how old are your kids, and how do they seem to be doing with stuff? Are they homeschooled?

is the "counselor" still your boss?

does your W use violence at all (throwing things -- whether at a person or not; breaking things; hitting; spitting; punching; driving unsafely; etc)?

...

This is a lot to juggle:


What would you say is your #1 priority that you want to address, or have be "less bad"?

What has it looked like so far, when you try to "manage" these things? I.e., do you say something, do something, say certain things, leave the house, try to reason with her, reference a book or plan, try to have a conversation...?

Knowing what you've tried so far can help us understand what new, different (and often unintuitive) paths forward might be effective in your situation.

...


Just getting it all out there "on paper" can be huge.

You can share how you're feeling and what you're struggling with, research new tools and approaches and ask questions about how they work, share moments of success, learn from others, reply to other members, and just relax knowing that you're in a community where people really, really get it about what you're living through.

Fill us in on more of your story, whenever works best for you;

kells76

Hey Kells, apologies for the slow reply and thank you for replying. 

We've been married 24 years. 
Her counselling ended around 6 years ago, and thank God he is no longer my boss. 
Our kids are 11, 13, 14 and 16 and are all a mix of homeschooled, online school, private school.  The youngest 2 are girls, and seem to somehow manage to steer clear of her episodes.  The older 2 are boys and are neck deep in much of the same that I am.  It is so difficult to try and manage constant conflict, trying to not discredit their mother while encouraging them to behave as they're supposed to.  Many times they both rage against her and chaos ensues.  I long for the day the boys are old enough to move out for uni and really find themselves.
80% of the time violence isn't an issue.  Interestingly, just this morning we had a significant episode.  I placed a small suitcase on our bed to unload it from a work trip.  She apparently didn't like that, yelled at me, called me names and shoved me several times hard.  The last shove hitting my face and knocking me off balance.  She was standing between me and the door otherwise I would have just left the room.  But in order to stop the attack I pushed her away from me once.  There was no falling or damage, I simply let her know I will not be physically abused.  I'm not proud of this, but I also didn't want to be physically injured.

I can't say one thing I wish wasn't as bad.  It's all bad.  We wouldn't still be together if it wasn't for our kids. 
Trying to manage it has looked like me doing a lot of verbal defence and justifying.  Which seems to fuel the fire.

Strangely enough her previous counsellor connected me to this group but I've been in pretty hard denial, thinking I could manage on my own until now.