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Title: BPD "Friend" Causing Issues Post by: moh2025 on January 06, 2025, 01:13:49 PM I am a magnet for BPD-type women. I have dated multiple for instance. However, I want to know your all thoughts about this BPD-esque behavior.
I met this woman in college and we ended up carpooling to class many days of the week. I met many members of her family. She had some sexual trauma while in college. She drinks a lot. She began flirting with me but at the same time would reject me if I flirted back. She infiltrated my core friend group in my home town and she still belongs to that core friend group still today. My relations with those people went downhill since she joined. She actually had an obsessive interests with one of the guys with my friend group as well which she even acknowledged but she never acknowledged her interest with me. She insisted that she just wanted to be friends with me, yet she and her friends had issues with my girlfriend after. Her brother, and other people still keep tabs on her for me. And her friends in her home town still interfere with me getting to know other women despite her now being married and having a newborn. Like she is almost territorial about me but has no interest. I imagine that after we both started to date other people things would change but the drama persists today. How can you best explain her intentions and psychology? Title: Re: BPD "Friend" Causing Issues Post by: kells76 on January 06, 2025, 01:55:41 PM Hi moh2025 and welcome to the boards :hi:
You're at a good starting point for a journey of learning and personal growth. For so many of us members, we showed up here asking "why does s/he do that?", and we're moving towards "why do I do that, and what choices can I make" -- really getting personally empowered |iiii Education and learning more about BPD (sometimes called CED, or "chronic emotional dysregulation") is definitely part of that journey. A great reputable source for up-to-date info about BPD/CED (besides us here!) is the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/). Their overview of BPD (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/what-is-bpd/bpd-overview/) highlights some stuff that seems to apply to your situation: Excerpt Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness that centers on the inability to manage emotions effectively. The disorder occurs in the context of relationships: sometimes all relationships are affected, sometimes only one. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood. While some persons with BPD are high functioning in certain settings, their private lives may be in turmoil. Most people who have BPD suffer from problems regulating their emotions and thoughts, impulsive and sometimes reckless behavior, and unstable relationships Other disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse and other personality disorders can often exist along with BPD How can you best explain her intentions and psychology? From my perspective, it's critical to remember that if we suspect BPD is in play, then we need to remind ourselves that it's a real, serious, and profoundly impairing mental illness. We can't both think "it might be BPD" and also ask "so there must be detailed, logical, and rational explanations for his/her behavior". Maybe one way to approach the question is -- what she's doing makes sense to her in the moment that she feels whatever she's feeling. If BPD is indeed in the mix, then she may struggle with intense, overwhelming, out of control emotions, and much of her focus will be on trying to feel OK inside... and very little of her focus or planning is on "how can I make him feel/do XYZ". NEABPD has a little more to fill that out: Excerpt What does “Borderline Personality Disorder” mean? Historically, the term “borderline” has been the subject of much debate. BPD used to be considered on the “borderline” between psychosis and neurosis. The name stuck, even though it doesn’t describe the condition very well and, in fact, may be more harmful than helpful. The term “borderline” also has a history of misuse and prejudice—BPD is a clinical diagnosis, not a judgment. Current ideas about the condition focus on ongoing patterns of difficulty with self-regulation (the ability to soothe oneself in times of stress) and trouble with emotions, thinking, behaviors, relationships and self-image. Some people refer to BPD as “Emotion Disregulation.” So, her intentions may be 100% self focused, and her psychology may be 100% about trying to regulate, in low-skilled ways. ... A couple good questions for continuing on your journey of growth might be found here: She insisted that she just wanted to be friends with me, yet she and her friends had issues with my girlfriend after. Her brother, and other people still keep tabs on her for me. And her friends in her home town still interfere with me getting to know other women despite her now being married and having a newborn. Like she is almost territorial about me but has no interest. I imagine that after we both started to date other people things would change but the drama persists today. Having family keep tabs on her for you seems like a choice that's under your control. What do you think? How are her friends seeming to interfere with your relationships? Are there some options there under your control? We often have more control over our trajectories than we think *) Glad you landed here... looking forward to learning more of your story; kells76 Title: Re: BPD "Friend" Causing Issues Post by: moh2025 on January 06, 2025, 02:57:46 PM Hi moh2025 and welcome to the boards :hi: You're at a good starting point for a journey of learning and personal growth. For so many of us members, we showed up here asking "why does s/he do that?", and we're moving towards "why do I do that, and what choices can I make" -- really getting personally empowered |iiii Education and learning more about BPD (sometimes called CED, or "chronic emotional dysregulation") is definitely part of that journey. A great reputable source for up-to-date info about BPD/CED (besides us here!) is the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/). Their overview of BPD (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/what-is-bpd/bpd-overview/) highlights some stuff that seems to apply to your situation: From my perspective, it's critical to remember that if we suspect BPD is in play, then we need to remind ourselves that it's a real, serious, and profoundly impairing mental illness. We can't both think "it might be BPD" and also ask "so there must be detailed, logical, and rational explanations for his/her behavior". Maybe one way to approach the question is -- what she's doing makes sense to her in the moment that she feels whatever she's feeling. If BPD is indeed in the mix, then she may struggle with intense, overwhelming, out of control emotions, and much of her focus will be on trying to feel OK inside... and very little of her focus or planning is on "how can I make him feel/do XYZ". NEABPD has a little more to fill that out: So, her intentions may be 100% self focused, and her psychology may be 100% about trying to regulate, in low-skilled ways. ... A couple good questions for continuing on your journey of growth might be found here: Having family keep tabs on her for you seems like a choice that's under your control. What do you think? How are her friends seeming to interfere with your relationships? Are there some options there under your control? We often have more control over our trajectories than we think *) Glad you landed here... looking forward to learning more of your story; kells76 I dont understand her logic entirely. She insists she doesnt like me but now I have social barriers in my home town (where she is from) with talking to women because of this. For instance, I thought that shes married and everything is cool but no, her friends began interfering with me talking to women downtown. I dont even think she wants to ever sleep with me. She wants to keep me around as some sort of emotional backup in case her husband and all other classy men leave her. Do you understand her mindset a little? Title: Re: BPD "Friend" Causing Issues Post by: moh2025 on January 06, 2025, 03:34:11 PM Hi moh2025 and welcome to the boards :hi: You're at a good starting point for a journey of learning and personal growth. For so many of us members, we showed up here asking "why does s/he do that?", and we're moving towards "why do I do that, and what choices can I make" -- really getting personally empowered |iiii Education and learning more about BPD (sometimes called CED, or "chronic emotional dysregulation") is definitely part of that journey. A great reputable source for up-to-date info about BPD/CED (besides us here!) is the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/). Their overview of BPD (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/what-is-bpd/bpd-overview/) highlights some stuff that seems to apply to your situation: From my perspective, it's critical to remember that if we suspect BPD is in play, then we need to remind ourselves that it's a real, serious, and profoundly impairing mental illness. We can't both think "it might be BPD" and also ask "so there must be detailed, logical, and rational explanations for his/her behavior". Maybe one way to approach the question is -- what she's doing makes sense to her in the moment that she feels whatever she's feeling. If BPD is indeed in the mix, then she may struggle with intense, overwhelming, out of control emotions, and much of her focus will be on trying to feel OK inside... and very little of her focus or planning is on "how can I make him feel/do XYZ". NEABPD has a little more to fill that out: So, her intentions may be 100% self focused, and her psychology may be 100% about trying to regulate, in low-skilled ways. ... A couple good questions for continuing on your journey of growth might be found here: Having family keep tabs on her for you seems like a choice that's under your control. What do you think? How are her friends seeming to interfere with your relationships? Are there some options there under your control? We often have more control over our trajectories than we think *) Glad you landed here... looking forward to learning more of your story; kells76 I can get away from her finding out about my life but I would probably need to sever ties with all mainstream people in my hometown I knew from the past and probably get out of town. I am having trouble coping with how is she is emotionally obsessed with me and doesnt want me at the same time. It ruined my friendships and caused me relational problems with people I otherwise would have not had issues with. Have you all experienced that? Title: Re: BPD "Friend" Causing Issues Post by: Notwendy on January 07, 2025, 09:01:38 AM Some time ago, before I knew about BPD, a woman moved into town and became friends with my friend group. She also took on a leadership position in an organization I was involved in.
At one point I noticed my friends, and her, excluding me. I kept trying to call my friends to connect with them. I realized I was the only one trying to maintain connections. They seemed to be avoiding me. I asked one of them why, but they didn't say much. I found that my efforts to be functional were being thwarted by this leader. She would be critical and get angry with me for the smallest things. I eventually quit my position ( it was volunteer). I found out later this women did the same thing with other people. Eventually this woman moved and left town. Although I am cordial with people in the former friend group, I don't seek to reconnect the friendships. I think I could if I wanted to, but I have moved on from this. Knowing what I know about BPD and NPD, I suspect this woman is probably on that spectrum. Although you wish to logically understand these actions, I don't think it's possible. It's not logical. It doesn't necessarily involve romantic interest. In this case, there wasn't even any thought of romantic interest. This woman is straight, married, and so am I. Your friend might be interested in you this way, or not. I do agree that there's self interest involved. Maybe self esteem from being in control. Maybe projection- I became the person this woman projected on to. Maybe your friend is acting interested in you for attention. Some of this may be due to the appeal of drama. Who knows? PwBPD may have emotional immaturity. Some of this dynamics with friend groups is reminiscent of middle school clique behavior. Your task is to decide your actions. It is hurtful when friends are involved. To try to keep these friends- reach out to them and stay connected as best you can. Tighten your circle and your privacy. If you want to speak to someone- male or female- do it. Your interactions are not anyone else's business. Don't react emotionally or create any drama. Stop posting anything personal on social media- restrict what people in her circle may see on your posts. If it seems you aren't bothered and there's less drama, this may be less interesting to her. She may then move on to something else. |