BPDFamily.com

My adult daughter is overwhelming my family and I'm unsure how to set boundaries. She is really suffering, very low, but also controlling us.

Hi mom is trying and welcome
Thank you for posting. You just write a couple of sentences, without details, and yet everyone here will know exactly what you mean.

We are also parents and families suffering with and for our bpd children. It is a challenging journey for the person concerned and everyone in their life circle.

I didn't haven an idea of 'boundaries' when I first came here. As life went on I really struggled to get the right approach to them. At first I thought of them in ordinary 'behaviour management' terms ie you are not allowed to do this or that, otherwise these will be the consequences.

That way can be helpful - but only if a) the person abides by the rules and/or b) I would be prepared to follow through with the consequences that I spelt out. So it was a difficult way, because I knew my DD would just do whatever she was compelled to do on the spur of the moment and I did not want her to be 'on the streets' as she could so easily get seriously hurt or worse.

So I struggled until someone here said that boundaries are what you need to be able to live and value your own life and - if possible - support your child to the best of your capacity.

It was a great moment for me because it took the focus off trying to 'contain' my dd (and using all my energy in a losing battle as it were!) and put the focus on my needs. Funnily enough it enabled me to 'let go' of the anxiety I had for DD - which was overwhelming me - and I felt freer to just love her through the chaos of her life.

There are many helpful resources here and if you want to post more details of your particular situation then please do so.

If you can start with small boundaries to protect what you need for yourself and others, and then be prepared to enforce those, that would be good I think.