BPDFamily.com

My wife had a panic attack today, so she cancelled our mediation session. I understand it but realize I am going to have to put a boundary around a date we begin nesting. She is going into paralysis mode. Thoughts on how to express a move out date boundary? We already blew past the Feb 1 date we told to the kids.

On the good side, I had a friend offer me a place to stay indefinitely for low rent at their second house. It is a meditation retreat center which would really be helpful for my agitated mind. I want to move out now but know that she would not meet her obligation to give me wife-free space during my time with the children. Nor would I have any overnights. So I will wait this out while figuring out how to motivate or leverage her to move.

Boundaries.  So vital.  No so much to make her do something but for you.  After all, you couldn't get anywhere trying to reason with her before, why would she start now?  YOU set YOUR boundaries that YOU maintain.  If you appear too reasonable or accommodating (in her mind, weak) then she may feel enabled to keep sabotaging mediation, housing, nesting, whatever.

Hey talkingandsending,

I saw your other post about her priorities -- could that be some leverage here?

Might be something to discuss with your L, how to phrase things so that she sees the reasonableness of working on the two priorities simultaneously (#1 property division and #4 custody arrangement).

I also wonder if it might be worth proposing to her a firm boundary and that if she cannot make the scheduled appt, the Ls will work with you both via text/email.

Another option might be giving her three choices and letting her pick one, with the consequence of not complying being that the house will go on the market by x date and both parties must move out, with you being the person having the kids because you have a situation already in place.

More than non-BPD people, she may need to have her options spelled out so that her world of uncertainty is less expansive. If she is dysregulating more or less chronically, then her problem solving skills are going to be zero.

It didn't always work out for me the way I planned, but in general I found it best to propose solutions with tight loopholes and contingencies for non-compliance. I'm not sure how well that works in a collaborative divorce unless the lawyers are motivated to call this one a success.