BPDFamily.com

Hello,

My (ex-)girlfriend broke up with me last week, and since then, I haven't been able to move on. I can’t seem to understand it, and I would appreciate your thoughts or similar experiences. Here's my story:

We met on Tinder. After exchanging messages for three days, we met up in person and instantly clicked. That night, we decided to start a serious relationship. Everything moved quickly. I got emotionally invested right away, and so did she. I have abandonment issues and couldn’t help but rush to "secure" the relationship (I'm seeing a therapist for this).

I sensed a similar pattern in her: she also seemed to have abandonment issues and very low self-esteem. She had doubts and fears—she worried I’d leave or cheat on her and felt unworthy of me. She would often ask, “Why did you choose me? You’re intelligent, and I’m not.”

She works in a factory and lives in Lithuania, while I’m a pilot based in France but traveling globally. This only added pressure for her, she felt she wasn’t good enough, and wasn’t on my level, despite my constant reassurance that I chose her, saw no problem in her life circumstances, and never felt disappointed by her.

We were together for two months but saw each other rarely due to my work. She was somewhat distant during video calls but warm and intimate when we were together. She struggled to accept compliments, show affection, or even receive it. I sensed something was off, but I accepted her as she was. Despite all this, we both developed strong feelings for each other.

We planned to spend a week of vacation at my place, but she seemed conflicted, part of her wanted it, but she was also scared. Our relationship was going well overall, but her recurring doubts about herself and us kept surfacing and fading.

Then, after New Year’s, on January 2nd, she messaged me with hearts as usual, asking how I’d slept—nothing seemed off. But nine hours later, she told me, somewhat coldly, that she had doubts about us. She said she’d been thinking about our relationship and felt it wasn’t right. She claimed she’d done her best for us but didn’t think it was enough. At the same time, she mentioned a family member had attempted suicide.

I realized this might lead to a breakup, but I tried to give her space while showing that I cared. Over the following days, she became more distant. Finally, four days later, she called me as promised, telling me about her week as if nothing had happened. Then we talked about us. She hesitantly explained her doubts, saying we were too different. She felt overwhelmed by my career and lifestyle, saying, “You have money and can do whatever you want, and I’m just a simple village girl.”

I reassured her, emphasizing that I wasn’t rushing things and that I valued her. She said it helped to talk to me and thanked me for understanding.

The next day, she sent me a breakup message. She said she had deep feelings for me but felt overwhelmed by how fast things had moved. She believed our differences were too great, that she wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that I deserved someone who could make me happy without complications. She expressed a desire to stay in touch, check in on each other, and maybe reconnect one day. She called me exceptional, caring, and loving and said she’d always cherish the beautiful moments we shared.

This triggered my abandonment issues again. I initially tried to convince her to reconsider but quickly composed myself. I told her I respected her decision and wouldn’t contact her to give her space, as I needed it too. However, I reassured her that my door was always open if she wanted to talk or reach out.

For four days, she viewed my Instagram stories (which were my usual posts) but didn’t contact me. Then, when I returned to Europe, she started removing me from her contacts. This triggered me again, and I sent her a heartfelt message. I expressed that my feelings hadn’t changed, that I still believed in us, and that our differences could complement rather than divide us. I told her I’d wait for her to be ready and was willing to take things at her pace without pressure.

She read it but blocked me everywhere three hours later without any response.

My therapist suspects she has borderline personality disorder and confirmed she likely has abandonment issues and low self-esteem. From what I know, her parents had problems with alcohol, and she’s only had one prior relationship, which ended badly. She avoids talking about it but mentions her ex made big promises but never delivered.

I’m sorry for the long message. I’d really appreciate your thoughts. Do you think she’ll ever come back? I know it’s impossible to predict, but I’m trying to understand why she initially wanted to stay in touch but then removed and blocked me. Can someone have an idea why she switched like this etc?

My theory is she has been overwhelmed by emotions after the suicide attempt and that triggered her borderline schemes etc.

Thank you for your time and support.

First, welcome to the fam.  :hi:

Second, the most important thing is that you acknowledge and understand you have your own issues to iron out. You are a lot further ahead for being self-aware and actively seeking help for it.

As for your theory...it is anyone's guess. You cannot predict or understand disordered behavior and trying to do so just keeps you in a perpetual cycle of wanting to focus on how another person's behavior affected you the way it did. Don't waste that time, but instead put more focus on yourself. In this scenario it doesn't do you any good to go down the rabbit hole of understanding.

Also, don't worry about posting long messages my friend. Feel free to share. The more you put in the more you will get back. We do care and we are here for you.

Please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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Hi,

First, thank you for your welcoming

Then, I admit I have a hard time letting it go and moving on. I had and still have deep feelings for her despite already knowing she had big issues. I see deeper and beyond the problems she has, and I love her for who she is. Honestly, I am fluctuating between waiting for her and sending her an email one day and completely forcing myself to move and not to look back ever...

I still work with my therapist on that matter but it is extremely difficult to let it go...

It will take work on your end for sure. It won't be easy. I will never be one to sugarcoat anything. How you feel though is completely normal. You are hurt. You are grieving. For what its worth you will find many who feel or did feel exactly like you do here. Typically when someone says they understand it can come off quite condescending, but my friend when it is said here it has a different meaning...if you come here to these boards...we all do understand and get it. All of us have been through some similar rough S :cursing:

Just take each day as it comes and it is truly step by step. There are short cuts or ways to speed things up. You are on your own timeline. Just keep your head up and strive to be better for YOU.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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if you want to reconcile the relationship, i would encourage you to open a thread on the Bettering or Reversing board. it wont necessarily increase the odds of her returning, but you will be better prepared in the event it happens; it is also a very different headspace support wise - people on this board are generally, if reluctantly, working to detach from the relationship.

people often times make promises or reassurances after a breakup...about being friends, or about reconciling down the line. i think they generally mean it at the time, but i think it is often a way to assuage the big feelings around the loss; a way to cope.

it can happen, and does, but most of the time, it can become too painful, or maybe the old relationship issues resurface, or it keeps someone from moving on, or it just doesnt materialize..lots of different reasons. not necessarily through anyones fault.

i, personally, have never been much for blocking people, but lots of people use it liberally, and some people find it necessary as part of the breakup process.


it sounds like there were major obstacles from the beginning: major differences between the two of you. relationships end for so many reasons, sometimes they even hinge on timing and luck. differences can make for initial chemistry, but it sounds as though they were always looming. your ex may just not have been able to get around those differences, while you were. unfortunately, it happens.

it also sounds like there is a deeper issue with her low self esteem. thats going to challenge any relationship. it can make it hard to connect with anyone when you dont feel you deserve it, or you see them as superior to you, or you dont believe you bring anything to the relationship.

the suicide attempt could have been a factor as well. if there are major stressors in her life, that can have a way of leaving less or no room for a romantic relationship. i suspect it wasnt the catalyst, or a nail in the coffin, but it could certainly contribute to emotional unavailability.

its hard. it may be nothing in particular that you did or didnt do - it may be that this just wasnt the best fit, or that it fit for a time, but the differences and the timing and her emotional state meant it wasnt sustainable. sometimes its that simple on paper, even when its hard emotionally.


its good that youre getting support for this. while we all have a fear of abandonment to some degree, people with a higher than average fear of abandonment (there are many of us here that fit that criteria) can sometimes have a tendency to choose emotionally unavailable partners - in other words, unconsciously choosing relationships that may have instantaneous chemistry, but arent sustainable, and it can be a recipe for a lot of heartache. you can do a lot of good work on this here in conjunction with therapy.


it is impossible to predict, so i wont; there is no indicator either way as to the likelihood, but she might. second thoughts and chances are common, and there is also the possibility that even if she doesnt want to reconcile, she may reach out down the road to have things be on a better note. some people, after a breakup, prefer a clean slate with no ties. its hard to say what category she falls into, what she may or wont do, or how likely any of it is. generally speaking, if she does, it would be good to do more listening than talking; you may have a great deal you want to get off your chest, but she likely wouldnt be in a space to hear it, and would probably balk.

Yes, I try to do my best to take each day as it comes, my brain wants to move forward, but my heart wants her back. It's not all about attachment, it is about love also, my feelings are authentic and I care a lot about her.

First of all, thank you for your complete message, I appreciate it a lot.

Then, yes, I want her back. I want us to work because I know deeply in my heart that we can work together. Is there a way to move my topic to the reverse breakup board, or should I write a new post?

I know her very low self-esteem played a lot, she constantly felt inferior to me despite everything. She even told me before dating she is struggling with guys she thinks are smarter than her at the point of going away. And this is bullPLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) in a sense because she is much smarter than what she thinks.

It has been 13 days since the breakup and 10 days since she blocked me. For sure she blocked me on IG, FB, and WhatsApp but not my emails because she doesn't know my email address. I was thinking of writing her an email just to check in like "Hello Viktorija, it's been a while. How are you? If you wanna talk I am here, no pressure. Take care"
What do you think about it?

I read that pwBPD are impredicatable, like she may blocked me in the hope that I will bypass everything and try to contact her (it's one of the most common schemes used apparently to test the other one if we are attached etc.) or it may worst the situation...

i would start a new post, so the members on that board can keep up with your story. ill join in.


there is a lot of information about bpd on the internet that ranges from inaccurate, to urban legend, to silly.

people in general do not block someone hoping that the person they are blocking will try to find other ways to catapult over the block. to block someone is to put up a high wall of space; attempts to get over that wall tend to result in even higher walls.

if anything, a common mistake made is to see an avenue that isnt blocked, or to become unblocked, and take that as an invitation for contact. it generally isnt.

think about it: you reached out, and then she blocked you. more than likely, if you try another way to reach out, she will just block you there.

im not saying that you should never, ever reach out, but at the very least, i would give it a while before reaching out, and even that may come at a risk.

I just did it, thanks for your recommendation


I agree the motivation behind being blocked are unpredictable and I think I have to give it a while before reaching out
In the meantime, our relationship only lasted for 2 months and we had only the occasion of seeing each other in her country 4 days in total, plus her abandonment syndrome, it can be tricky to wait too much because she can feel that I moved on quickly and I didn't love her as I pretended if you know what I mean...