BPDFamily.com

I'm finally on the other side AKA out of the relationship. It took me numerous times of leaving, staying with family (whether it was for a night or two or for weeks) to finally leave.


 I've moved out and have moved into a new place with a sibling. I have been going between different stages of grief and it has been so so hard.  I found it really helpful when my counsellor explained it as an addiction and to give myself grace. I have such a pull and physical need to be near her and I know she just continued to hurt me.

I miss her deeply. I miss when she was kind to me. I miss when she was laughing with me. I miss when things were fun. As the relationship continued, the good moments became less and less. I think that in part had to do with my being firm of expectations and asking her to meet me where I needed her to be AKA she needs to be actively working on her stuff and attending counselling and so forth. She had known that was my expectation of my partner since the day we met and connected.

She had refused to attend counselling and promised numerous times. She drew me  back in every single time. Every time I left she would promise and I'd believe her.

We hit a point where she crossed two lines we couldn't come back from and it took breaking up with her once on the previous sunday and then again the following sunday.

Initial Sunday - The previous friday night we had a hard conversation. This was after she demanded I cancel our couples counselling session without a conversation. After work she stonewalled me. Eventually we talked about it and some point during our conversation she was holding onto the arm of my sweater (material only). I calmly asked her to let go. She responded by grabbing my arm tightly. I ripped my arm away, bawled, hyperventilated. She responded by standing up and getting close to my face and saying "What am I scaring you? Is this scary for you?" I cried and told her that her behaviors was out of control and pointed out how she was scaring me. She returned to sitting down and said "I'm completely in control right now" I told her that was worse. I went to pack my bag to leave to family's house. We had an expectation set between us that if someone was in the bedroom and closed the door after a fight or tense moment that we give them space. You can text them and it is up to the person taking space to decide if they are ready to text or inform them that they need space. She followed me into the room smilng (shortly thereafter when I was laying on the bed trying to calm myself down) and straddled me saying sorry and that she loved me and wanted to figure it out. I told her it wasn't enough and she knew was she needed to do and if she didn't I would have to leave. She got mad and left the bedroom. Awhile later I'm packing my bag to leave and she comes in crying tells me she will go to counselling. I was clear and told her that either so goes to counselling immediately and reaches out to book and appointment or this relationship can't continue. She cried said she would of course do it. Explained how worried she was about embarrassing herself with the counsellor (she had been waiting for one and refused ongoing to follow up).

I ended up staying that night because she promised and apologized. I genuinely believed her. I should have believed the behavior. The Sunday two days later I thanked her for having a hard conversation with me on Friday. She responded terribly, started a fight. Kept saying "Why can't we have one nice today together? Tell me what it is that you want to bring up to restart this fight.  It escalated she stonewalled. She told me to go PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) myself when we finally did talk. I told her I was done. I had told her before I wouldn't accept that type of communication.

Following weekend we went to something we had tickets for. We had a fight before attending. The fight was about what we had agreed to the Friday a week ago. She had agreed to set timelines and dates to talk about where she is at with scheduling counselling, where she was at with stopping her cannabis use as it made me feel anxious because I didn't know that my feelings or thoughts would be heard about things that affect me.  For context she ongoing had said she would 1. quit smoking weed. I was understanding throughout as I know it's a harm reduction tactic and she wasn't doing well. My request had been  that she vape instead as the smell gave me headaches. She was a wake and bake person so I was living with constant headaches. She declined vaping "because it's bad for your health".  2. She would attend counselling - as I had numerous times throughout our relationship cried to her about how her own unhealed wounds were spilling out and onto me and how it was hurting me and affecting me and that she deserved more too. She deserved to have the space to work through things.  When things got too much and I needed to check-in, it had triggered her endlessly when I checked in with her about either of those things. She often said "It's a boundary! I told you not to talk about this. It triggers me" I had explained multiple times that she was setting a rule and that a boundary was different. I had explained to her  After the event we went home watched tv and looked at our phones together. She went to bed early. I stayed up and processed my feelings and ended up crying. She woke up to eat a snack and kissed me on her way back to bed. She realized I was crying and said she wanted to talk. I told her I was okay, just processing and wasn't ready to talk. I was tired, it was late, she just woke up and it wouldn't be productive. She pushed back and then went to bed. She came back shortly thereafter tried again and I told her no. I told her I loved her and just needed time to process and get my feelings together.

The next morning  I wake up and my partner is showing signs of being annoyed, frustrated or upset. Staring up at the ceiling furrowed brow, pulling away when I touch her. I ask what's going on and she says well we need to talk because of last night. I said okay sure, as a reminder this isn't a huge thing and I love you. let me take some time to wake up and we can talk. She demanded we talk. I reminded her to our agreement that we not fight in  bed or have big conversations and to keep the bedroom as a safe space for connection and whatnot. She got up huffing and puffing. We had meant to meet up with a friend while my now ex, taught her how to change tires and oil. I told her I wasn't feeling up to it and wanted some time to unwind as we had work tomorrow. My ex said some thing about my being accountable to plans that were made. I reiterated that I was tired and needed to take care of myself and said that I knew our friend would understand that I was going to stay home. She said PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) you and slammed the bedroom door. I stood up and left the bedroom. She had closed the other room's door and was in there still going off. I told her hey, I am not doing this anymore. I'm done. She came out of the room and said "Well I don't want to break up" I said well I do. I can't do this anymore. She said PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) you. I hate you! I wish I never met you." I said okay and went back to the bedroom and laid down in bed. She opened the door with a final statement of "You are just another stereotypical abusive therapy speaking lesbian." I told her okay. I won't be here when you get back.

It was horrible hearing that from her. I have been healing and in therapy for years. I am able to separate a person from the behavior and understand that the behavior is the problem, though with my ex.
She wouldn't apologize. She often said "I can't apologize because I don't agree with you." Mind you the thing she wouldn't agree on was how her words or actions hurt me.


She often blamed me for everything that happened.
 "If you didn't say x, I wouldn't have said what I did!"

She was reactive when I had reasonable requests or wanted to talk about my feelings or how something hurt me.
Our conversations always ended up talking about her feelings. If I tried to circle back to mine and what I wanted to talk about she would tell me I was dismissive and she never had space to talk. She would end the conversation. I would say okay yes lets take some space or whatever. She would say no I'm done with this conversation indefinitely. It's over.

She claimed I gaslight her a lot.
I would say something she would tell me "You said you're going to break up with me." I would validate her and tell her, I believe that is what you heard and no wonder you are hurt. What I actually had said was I want this to work. I want this to figure it out together and this was what I meant by it. She would say I was gaslighting her. It was impossible. She often would hear something very different from what was said. No matter how kind, gently and patient I was, it felt like her trauma filter prevented her from hearing me.

I'm thankful to have left because of how much the anxiety, stress and not knowing her mood or what was going to set her off had caused me. I am simultaneously sad because I love her. She is such a beautiful, considerate, caring person who has so much to give others. She doesn't have the self-regulation and self-awareness skills and I'm hopeful she will take time to grow and heal independently because she couldn't do it with me. I took on too much emotional labor trying to listen, be kind, gentle and support her to navigate her feelings.

I chose to say. I chose to try and figure things out for her. I don't regret fighting for our relationship and her taking care of herself. I know I would have regretted if I hadn't seen it through. I likely would have gone back yet again.


 

Welcome to the fam.  :hi:

Man, that is a load to get off your chest isn't it?

However, I can appreciate like many here your very well thought out response here.

I would recommend to stay engaged with the community and ask as many questions as you need to and share as much as want to.

Ultimately, you decided to choose yourself and that my friend is never the wrong answer even if it is the hardest one. In specific respect I definitely understand where you are coming from...you chose to fight and you needed to find out there wasn't going to be a happy ending together. I also appreciate your outlook that you more or less hate the disorder and behavior, not the person...this is what I stress here on the boards.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-