BPDFamily.com

Idolize, Devalue, Discard.

I've been reading a lot on this board and many people say this about their BPD partners and I'd wonder about my situation because my BPDbf never devalued me... .instead he would put me on a pedestal as far as my appearance and importance in his life was concerned.

I mentioned this to my psychologist and she said that "Idolize, Devalue, Discard" is the mantra of NPD. The main sign of BPD is fear of abandonment and that my bf showed clear traits of BPD. And that's true, the minute he thought we couldn't move on together, he started convincing me that bringing in another "female friend" into the equation would be best, to stop him from "going crazy and lashing out at me" when I found another significant other. And I was convinced, though I hated him for it. And as soon as it became clear that we were done, he moved on.

So while the idolize part is true in BPD, the devalue is not there and he didn't discard me... .because I realize that I could have gotten him back if I wanted to.
Every time he compelled me to do something, I raved, I ranted but gave in. This was the first time he  forced and threatened and I didn't give in, I held my ground. So he turned me black. If I decided to give in the next day, I would still be with him. I know that now. And I'm so grateful that I'm not. Life feels empty without him but so much more peaceful and I'm rediscovering myself... .in fact a better version of myself since I'm tackling my own codependency issues.

One person on this board asked that if the partner's new relationship is longer with the replacement, does that mean she failed. And the amazingly insightful answer was, "The relationship will only be as long as the new partner is willing to put up with the dysfunction." I put up with it for 17 months. The next person might get sick of it in 4 months while another may marry him. He won't change, just his partners and their break points will.

Hey  mevz:   


I'm glad you are rediscovering yourself and working on your codependency issues.  I can understand how you feel empty without him.  Change can be painful, but it can improve your life.

Feeling peaceful is a good thing.  Are you doing anything in particular to maintain your feeling of peace?

Hi mevz,

It takes courage to stop the cycle when you have invested your heart into a relationship. Well done for realizing that you couldn't continue. I was in a similar situation: about 18 months (including a break of three months initiated by me), and pwBPD, to my knowledge, never "devalued" me. Who knows what is going on in his mind and heart, but at least he has communicated respect and warmth in the few messages that I've had since our breakup.

My experience was not like many others' here, and yet, pwBPD was diagnosed. Just goes to show that despite many recognizable patterns shared on the board, each dynamic is unique.

Thank you for sharing your insights and experiences. It helps us all. 

heartandwhole

Hi mevs, no 2 NPD/BPD's are alike. I have read many posts and replies on these boards. They create so much turmoil in us nons, belittle our character, our morals, values have us conflicted inside our brains of how we perceive our selves. In many areas of my life Xw crushed me but I hung on to certain values I held dear and although I was in a horrible mental state I kept these values and the more raging Xw would get. That want us to feel valueless. The try to break us mentally. Xw was always bashing my values, after my brain tumour surgery, still not knowing about personality disorders I thought we were going to get back together, she had me in a mini idealization and I was soaking it all in than one evening she says " I had big hopes for your brain surgery, I thought I would have the man back that I married" I was deviststed especially since all Xw ever did was emotionall abuse me before and after we married. I had very little idealization but plenty of devalue/ discard. I never heard a kind word ever in the 12 years I knew Xw only a small fraction during my brain tumour operations. So they are all different. People say idealization is a corner stone of NPD/BPD my Xw only ever told me how no good I was, no nothing ever but lots of devalue discard and the final discard was as cruel as it gets. And she treats me like a total nothing. They have emotional disorders and we can't help them.

It's so ironic that I wrote that thing about peace and this weekend all my peace went straight out the window.

Here's my post about it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=306067.0
 

I was with my ex for 8 years... .the devalue started at year 4. I would have never predicted it. She was needy and clingy at 17 months and I believe it would have utterly devastated her if I had left her at that point.