BPDFamily.com

Ok so we are broken up 4 months and NC 6 weeks. She is Quiet BPD.

 We are not friends on Facebook. But I was worried about her and self harm and stuff. I snooped on her Facebook page to see if I could see when she was at least last active. I accidently pressed like on her last public post from December and unliked it straight away. Within a minute or two she made a post of her celebrating her birthday last week public so I could see it. Nothing bad or to make me jealous about.... was kinda cute and she looked kinda lonely

What the PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)..... I know it's a sign of something. But what? Is she upset I didn't contact her on her birthday? Was she hoping I would have said something when she posted it? I ignored of course, but feel like an idiot as she knows I was Facebook stalking her now. I just wanted to know.she was ok. I do want her back though.

Strange to post a minute after I accidently liked something though wasn't it

Hi Mrparsnip and welcome back  :hi:

It's really common to wonder "what it means" if a personality disorder is in the mix. You're not alone in having this experience; I've had it, too, and so have many other members.

We can find ourselves spending a lot of time and mental energy cranking on "what if it's this, what if it's that, what's the deeper meaning, what's the hidden communication". Maybe there's some validity there -- maybe in our interactions with our pwBPD, there was a lot that wasn't straighforward. So there can be a real, valid history informing how we respond.

That's not the whole story, though. Yes, putting the spotlight on "what do they mean" is part of what's going on...

the other big part is -- what's going on with us.

It is also really common in BPD relationships that we don't focus on ourselves and our own challenges and issues. It can feel so good to focus on them that we don't look at ourselves -- and we are the only people we have any control over.

So I'll comment briefly on her, and then we can turn our focus onto ourselves  |iiii

We aren't in anyone else's head -- we don't know what she "meant" by it. It could "mean" lots of different things. One thing that gets taught in DBT classes and in support classes (like Family Connections) is the idea of "benign interpretation" (https://www.dbtfamilyskills.com/blog-head-heart--hands/the-four-basic-assumptions-fromdbt-family-skills-training). While generally it's about not assuming the worst about a perceived negative interaction, it can also help us not assume positive yet incorrect things, too. It's about finding a balanced way of interpreting behaviors and actions. For some members here, especially those detaching from a relationship, assuming the negative can be easy ("she's trying to manipulate me letting her use and abuse me again"). In your case, it may be easy to assume the positive ("she posted about her birthday to get me to say something").

I wonder if a "benign interpretation" of the situation could be:

she isn't thinking ill of you (she didn't immediately send a negative message), she isn't desperate to get back together today (she didn't explicitly say that), she may not know exactly how she feels, and time will give you more information to help you make a wisemind (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0) decision.

...

In terms of you -- let's check in with how you're feeling.

What do you notice about your emotions right now? What about how your body is feeling?

Do you find yourself wanting do things to change those feelings? If you're sitting with and tolerating your feelings, what is that like for you?

...

I really get it about these situations... getting in touch with your own feelings about it can really help  |iiii

As usual you have given the most amazing caring and thoughtful answers. Thank you so much I really appreciate it. You are a breath of fresh air.

To be honest since posting this I have been thinking about working on myself and totally letting her go now. I know deep down that even if she came back it would only be a matter of time before she switched again. I can't deal with the discards after so much love bombing and future talk. I feel my mental health has taken a turn for the worst since she broke up with me after the night before telling me how crazy she was about me and wanted to marry and have children.

I think you are right it's time to focus on me and forget what she's doing. It was her choice to walk away, so she will need to live with that decision. I just hope she gets all the love and support she deserves.  She is a beautiful but troubled sole and deserves the best.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply

You're welcome... these are very challenging relationships, even though they also have a lot of positives.


You bring up a good point here. You are in charge of knowing the limits you have in your life. We're all limited human beings, and because of our unique individuality, we each have different limits in our lives (things we know we cannot handle/accommodate). It sounds like you're getting clarity that you are a person who is not able to have a relationship where there is a cycle of a lot of positive talk followed by breakups.

Choosing not to be in relationships with that dynamic is fully under your control, and is a way of respecting your own limitation. When we respect ourselves, we tend to feel less resentment (even though we may also feel loss).

The most important person out there in terms of respecting your limits and boundaries is -- you  |iiii

...

It's good that you're in tune with how your own mental health is doing. How do you think you can take care of yourself in that area in the next few days?

Do you think you may start to go through the grieving process about this relationship?

So, obviously take some time my friend, but do you think you would benefit moving your discussion to Detaching?

Let us know.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-