BPDFamily.com

New to this site. Not really sure what to say or do yet.  I have an adult daughter with, I'm told OCPD, I don't really know for sure. I've suspected BPD for years. BPD is in my genetics from my grandmother. I am kind of lost right now and in a dark place trying to deal with my person.  I really want to walk away as I have been ... I assume enabling to the point ... to my detriment.  I have a person with little visible empathy and I am the FP ( favorite person) the one that is also the villain and also the only person that speaks to my person. There is no other person in their life at all but me! 
  I'm tired.  Just very tired and lost and I am NOT in therapy myself yet, having trouble finding the correct type of care with my insurance. My life has become, or I have let it become... not my own and I need to find myself again. 

HI Alice Mcgee
There was a post a while back on this site about overlap between OCD and BPD. I can certainly see the features of OCD in my DD - as well as the distinct features of BPD.

BPD is such a complex illness that engulfs not only the person with the illness but also those around them, and as the group around them gets smaller and smaller, often it is the one left who has to cope with it all on their own.

It's like living on an emotional rollercoaster and being a battering ram at the same time. I was just thinking today of my journey with BPD DD.

This year I have made a conscious effort not to answer phone calls and texts straight away. I was thinking about how DD expects that I answer straight away. I thought back to when she was a teenager, often wandering around, on the streets for a while etc - and of course my anxiety was through the roof and I responded straight away to any phone call.

So it's a huge expectation. This year I am changing that. I know it's only a small thing, but it will be so much better for both of us in the long run. I notice the call and wait. If there is no message left I don't respond. If a message is left I wait for quite some time before I respond. I am noticing a difference already.

I suppose your post got me thinking about how we end up being totally immersed in the chaos of the BPD journey. I think it is understandable that it happens, but when we end up totally submerged it is a moment to redirect in my opinion.

I too am the only stable person in my DD's life. She is 34 and the future worries me. But I do feel that particularly over the past few years I have gradually regained 'me'. Just thinking about how this has happened!

I think the start was the 3 C's mantra - I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. It was the start of 'letting go' - and after a while I felt a peace in that. I was/am still immersed in my DD"s life, but I have let go of being responsible - I think that is the core thing - I love DD but I am not responsible for the chaos caused by her condition.

The next thing was learning not to JADE when DD was belting me with horrible words, blaming etc. Learning not to justify, argue, discuss or explain my position was liberating. I had been so hurt and frustrated that DD was so uncaring for me - but then I realised this was what BPD looks like.

Finally I think creating just small amounts of space in life that are for you. At first I used to try quite big things, and of course they didn't last long. But grabbing small amounts of time to 'switch off' from it all seems to change things over a period of time. You start to feel the value of your own life and your journey even in the midst of the chaos.

Reading the posts here is very helpful. We are all at different stages of the BPD journey, with a variety of challenges, times when we are coping - just - and others when we are completely spent.

I hope you can work out a way to find yourself again. My advice? Start small and make sure you can maintain the space that is just for you.