BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

So despite my greatest fears, our new baby has got to 8 weeks old without my dbpdw splitting on me, which has come as a surprise following the year long split after number 3 was born |--->. The other good news is that my wife is extremely serious about following the Dave Ramsey debt advice, and has actually urged me to seek out more work (which I have always wanted to do). I am self employed and at the moment with the young family and limitations on working hours, plus the fact much of my work is term time only, not forgetting the controlling wife historically trying to stop me working… it has been a struggle. Adding to this that our wonderful four babies were ivf conceived to us as lesbian parents and this has cost us lots of money (mostly borrowed, to add to our other debts from my wife’s overspending).

I have been offered a new job as deputy manager of a child care centre. This is 40 hours over 4 days, plus I will still be teaching piano one day a week in school, plus my after school students will have to move to weekends which will mean around 10 hours visiting students in their homes and teaching online, on Saturdays and Sundays. I do feel this plan is a bit crazy. But if I can pull it off, and my wife stays on board… we will get out of debt.

Problems. My wife actively encouraged me to apply for and take this job. Since I have been offered it, no congratulations, and she shuts down every time I mention it. I know she will have more childcare and will have to do many school pick ups and drop offs with four small kids. We knew this. But it would be nice if she could be happy for me for one moment and know I’m doing this for her and our family. I became very jaded with early childhood work which I haven’t held a permanent position in since 2009.(problems with other staff mostly). I struggled to drum up enthusiasm leading up to my interview. The moment I stepped in the door I was selling myself with excellence. My wife heard me say on the phone to the boss in response to, “Well if you’re sure you want to return to this crazy world of early childhood education..” and I’m like, “You know what, I’ve really missed it!!” (Like a hole in the head lol). So now my wife thinks I’m really excited about the job which is a bit true but also a bad thing. Also the person I’m going to be working with most closely has bright pink hair. I had foolishly forgotten this was the colour of my wife’s hair when we met (her hair changes colour every five minutes). So now she thinks I’m going to have an affair with this girl. Also, I have made it clear that my role means I have to engage fully with the team and that means chatting at break times etc not following my wife’s orders to slink off to the car to ring her every break time to talk to her (and listen to her complain about how I’m having such fun with my new friends and want to have sex with them and don’t care about her blah blah). Also, I am going to be very tired. Sex has been off the menu completely with new baby being the type you can’t put down… but when he grows a bit then my wife will be disappointed that we don’t have time for sex and that I’m so tired (and I will be). I also imagine she will be starting text arguments late at night and not letting me go to sleep (this is a hard boundary to enforce because, as I’ve mentioned before, if I turn phone off and ignore her she will start shouting at me with no regard for waking the kids. So my only option would be to leave the house and then a good nights sleep in my car would also be out of the question).

Thoughts and advice always appreciated kind people. I don’t plan on doing this job forever, though if I did I may eventually become a manager which would be good financial security for the family. I just need to get through this very challenging transition period and hope my wife can remain relatively sane. It’s going to be tiring and hard work. But honestly I do get a lot out of all of my work. This gives me the energy to continue and get through the day. Energy which my wife can completely destroy when she wants to.

Congratulations on the new job. Yes, it will be an adjustment but the issues you are concerned about- these are ongoing patterns. They are probably going to be going on - whether or not you take the job! But the job seems like a positive thing for you and your family, so go for it.

One idea is to hold your own emotions close- keep them to yourself. Seeing you excited about the job might lead to conflict. This isn't walking on eggshells- it's a boundary. Your thoughts, your feelings, these are yours. Only you can decide who to share them with.

Keep the idea of the pink elephant in mind. If your wife thinks you are going to run off with pink haired lady- that doesn't make it true. You know what is true about you and what isn't. It's accusing you of being a pink elephant.

I wonder with the child care center if there are benefits for your own children. Some centers give discounts to employees. Bringing some of the children with you to the center might help with drop off and pick up, and if there's a discount, help with finances.

Thanks not Wendy. It very much looks like I’m not going to be taking on this job. I have tried my best to work out what my income will be after tax and my wife is still disappointed with it despite it being a greater amount than two people on minimum wage would earn put together.

I’m done in. I could have worked Thursday instead of having two interviews. I have wasted nice people’s time. I have cancelled two lessons Tuesday due to planning to go in for a trial session. I have turned down three new piano students at school. I have told all my private students they will have to move lessons to the weekend.

I didn’t really want to do this job. I don’t want to be away from my kids for this long. But I just wanted to pay off debts and make my wife happy. How ridiculous. I forgot she will never be happy.

Thankful person,

Would you be happy if you took this job? Can one of you be happy in this situation?

Be well,
-Rabbit

Update: seems I also forgot I’m on a rollercoaster, things really have been stable for some time and I recognise that this is because I haven’t been able to work much with my wife’s pregnancy and newborn baby and it’s always my work she seems to have a problem with. So this morning we had a dispute over my saying shall I send this email saying I’m not going to do the job, and she was angry it was the first thing I mentioned but I just wanted it over with. Anyway, seems this was about me being enthusiastic about the job, and the girl with pink hair, like she was testing me to check she still has control. Because now she says we’ll try out this crazy schedule and see, and see exactly what I get paid as it’s hard to work out with taxes.. which is always what I’ve thought, of course if she can’t cope then I can’t do it.

Rabbit, that is such a good question! It’s so easy to lose ourselves in these relationships isn’t it! Honestly, I’m not sure. I think if money was of no concern then 40 hours over 4 days in nursery management is a challenge I think I’d like to take on again and probably be better at it than when I did it 22 years ago! So I’d say the issue is whether I can cope with this plus the additional 15 or so hours making a seven day work week. We will see. It’s a trial for everyone really, but consistent income through the six week summer holiday is what I’ve lacked recently in self employment.

Keep in mind that sometimes the actual reason for the emotions may not be the reason presented. In this situation, it wasn't the job but the unfounded fears over pink haired lady. The reason for the fears isn't real but the feelings feel as if it was real.

One idea is to not act excited about the job at home (even if you love the job) and to also understand your wife may still have feelings about pink hair lady. Don't quit your job over an irrational fear. You hold on to your own truth- there is nothing between you and pink hair lady no matter what your wife thinks.

Yes, the job is a challenge but it seems like you and your family can benefit from this.

Best of luck with the new job!