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Title: Mirroring vs Normal partner "meshing" Post by: Me88 on January 23, 2025, 11:53:07 AM In an attempt to protect myself in future relationships, are there any logical ways of discerning mirroring from a normal version of bonding with your long time partner?
We all develop inside jokes. We all latch on to some funny silly quirk of our partner. We all sort of "mirror". I really think that's normal. I have several examples of what I believed to be healthy relationships spanning decades. My mom and dad are a little weirdo duo of 40 years now. Myself, I feel comfortable and open if a partner, even new, has endless things in common with me. It makes things easier. I can say with my recent ex and I shared so much. Mostly music, movies, etc. It was fun after leaving a relationship a year prior where I was just trashed nonstop. I could be my dumb, cheesy self. She only ever agreed, said she was also familiar with those things, etc. We initially connected over a niche horror movie that I said I hated, only to find out she did too. Went to concerts. Not much pushback at all, which I just loved. How are we supposed to identify red flags? I tend to think partners have good intentions, so I never relate their words or actions to anything negative until I'm truly messed over. Over a month out and I'm ruminating 24/7 still. Luckily I'm able to work and exercise again. I have a weird brain that requires answers. I need to know the reason for outcomes. At this point, almost 1.5 months post breakup, I'm sure she doesn't care. But I'm still in this fog. Therapy is ok. But I'm just so far behind still. Title: Re: Mirroring vs Normal partner "meshing" Post by: kells76 on January 23, 2025, 01:48:40 PM Hey Me88;
I don't know if it's possible to white-knuckle ourselves out of the human experience of "falling in love" and the blindness that inherently entails. Maybe the question is less: how can I make sure I'm not blind to red flags right off the bat. Maybe it's more: knowing that I'm a limited human being just like everyone else, who will probably experience the chemically-induced blindness of "falling in love" just like everyone else, what can I do with that information? How can I use that to help myself make wise choices and become a chooser of healthy partners? I wonder if having some knowledge of typical relationship development timeline might help. Like you brought up, it's normal for most persons to "mirror" new partners, not just a "BPD thing". John Gottman describes "The 3 Phases of Love" (http://www."The 3 Phases of Love") and suggests that after the first phase of falling in love (which may involve "mirroring", ignoring potential issues, and a lot of chemicals hitting us out of our control -- all of which is normal and not "just BPD"), the second phase is building trust, and most fighting will take place in the first two years of the relationship. In fact, the Gottman institute suggests here (https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-know-a-relationship-is-too-much-work/) that Excerpt around eighteen months to three years into a relationship, the high of falling in love (what therapists call “limerence”) begins to wear off. Whereas previously, you would push down doubts with lovemaking or romantic gestures, you need to face differences and work through them. It is easy to panic and think there is something fundamentally wrong with your relationship rather than it is entering a new phase when you start to put down deeper roots based on facing and resolving conflict. I've also heard suggested (though can't remember the citation) that the 6 month mark is "make it or break it" for many new relationships, where issues start to crop up. ... Knowing that it is normal to be "blind" to a new partner's faults and issues, knowing that "mirroring" happens in most all new relationships, and knowing that you want not just to avoid poor partners, but build skills at selecting healthy partners... maybe it could help to use the timeline above to structure how intimate you choose to become early on? If it's baked into the connection process that we will just be hit by those chemicals, and we will just ignore issues, and that those are features of falling in love versus bugs I can will myself out of... what choices could you make, early on in a new relationship, to be more circumspect, to pace it out, to maybe delay increasing intimacy, etc, guided by those 6 month/18 month/2 year timepoints? Maybe knowing that you will need to wait out the chemical wave, before the red flags become clear, could help you in your process. IDK -- this may be all stuff that you've thought through before, so apologies if it's well-trod ground. |