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I am starting to get some clarity about my own situation. So many things just keep me in the fog regarding this relationship. But, what I've come to realize is that I have 2 very powerful entities warring inside of me ever since I got into this relationship 5 years ago.

One part of me LOVES the affection and attention I get from my partner w/ BPD. It's intoxicating and when it's gone I deeply miss it.

The other part of me is extremely warn out and drained from the emotional neediness I experience from my partner as well as the constant mood swings (not really directed towards me but towards others). Hearing someone being called the c word for the slightest infractions on a regular basis is exhausting.

I got into this relationship at an extremely vulnerable period in my life... in the midst of a divorce, and I've been caught in the middle of these extreme emotions ever since. I'm wear I am because of my own weaknesses and I just can't move forward either way fully. Time has been helpful though. The more time passes the more I understand myself.

Have you picked up patterns of behavior from her, where she alternatively withholds or showers you with this affection and attention?  That's apparently how these things go: learned behavior (perhaps even subconscious) from the pwBPD on how to control their partner and others in their lives.

You get the carrot initially (lovebombing, reassurance, etc.), followed by the stick (withdrawal of the love and affection in response to some slight, real or perceived), and then a lot of vague "rules" or "hints" from the pwBPD that you're expected to pursue in order to get it back.

A lot of us fall into the trap...

I meant to respond to your other thread as well, about how you're struggling to find a reason to leave, because she hasn't done anything that hands you a reason to do so.  I think you need to realize that it's okay to simply end a relationship, period, for no reason.  You're not married to her. 

I know it's not easy to deliver that news to someone, and most people avoid it if they can (why ghosting is so prevalent). 

I think when people have some co-dependent traits or basis for being in a relationship with a pwBPD, they struggle to identify their own needs and wants, and assert them, instead hoping the pwBPD will give them an out, or "agree" to divorce or separate.  But of course a pwBPD is never going to do that.  It's up to the non to open the proverbial door and leave.  Maybe the Non needs to realize that's a possibility first.

Thank you for replying. Yeah I definitely have codependent traits. Something I actually started looking into more deeply today. I guess I'm just exhausted right now too. The idea of going through the emotions of a break-up are a lot, especially since I've done this multiple times. Yet I always end up going back because the pull is that strong.

It has been described as a dysfunctional dance, pulling forward and pushing back, repeatedly.  Of course, there's give and take in normal relationships, but it becomes serious when normal interactions have grown to a dysfunctional extent.

A good question is how we Nice Guys and Nice Gals - the vast majority of our members here - have found ourselves in these seemingly no-win relationships.  Partly it is our codependent traits.  Partly too that the other person in our relationships moved on to us and left behind persons who didn't fit with the unhealthy dynamic the other felt comfortable with.