BPDFamily.com

Hello all

At my wits end with my husband. Don't really know where to begin

He had some bad news about a job interview yesterday. Assured me he was fine was obviously acting a bit off. Mentioned possibly having a takeaway however we were having one of his favourite meals anyway. Asked him what he wanted and he said he didn't mind just didn't want to make the decision so I went for the home cooked option.

This morning he seemed fine. asked if daughter and I could go off for a dog walk with some friends as he was talking about going to see a vehicle he wanted to purchase. Then went into cost talked about it and said we can't really afford it, he seemed fine with that. And he told us to go on the walk.

I went off to do some chores as he likes me to do them before I go out. and he had stopped talking to me. Asked him what was up and  just said he's fine in a sulky voice. Was thinking probably not going to end up going with him in that mood.  Went off to run an errand and he had told daughter to get ready to go on the walk.

Still in a mood when i left and would barely talk to me.

Halfway round the walk get a barrage of messages saying how I haven't been empathetic enough and basically saying I should have wanted to be there and I should have thought of him and got the takeaway yesterday as well.

Now still talking the bare minimum amount to me. Any advice I'm struggling so much. Have tried talking it through with him but just been told don't worry. 

Please help? Is it worth using the set method to try and speak to him.

He just makes me feel so PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) I don't know if I'm coming or going

I understand how toxic those sullen moods can be. I experienced this quite frequently with my husband, followed by trying to make me feel guilty for not helping, fixing, whatever magic he thought I should be doing to make him feel better. And no matter what I did, it never worked anyway, and usually made things worse.

Finally, I realized, *IT’S NOT MY JOB!!!!*

It’s up to ME to manage MY OWN emotions, and it’s up to HIM to manage HIS.

What I had been doing was reinforcing his bad moods by giving him more attention. This came naturally to me because I learned to be a people pleaser with my mother and tried to manage her moods.

It took some time and mindfulness to remember to change my patterns. When he’d start to become surly for no good reason (at least nothing that I was aware of), I started to give him space to manage his emotions and self soothe.

In that way, I exited the drama and didn’t get emotionally invested in trying to get him back to baseline. That is his job. And over time, I deal with far fewer of these episodes, because…his acting out behaviors no longer get him the attention.