BPDFamily.com

How do you deal with stealing?
DD18 almost 19. Been a hellacious 6 months with her leaving abruptly, us cutting her off a bit, quitting school, approximately 9 billion job fails, an attempt and hospital stay and grudging return home. There's been some shifts over the last month or so we thought. Financial has always been hard as she spends to cope and seems to not grasp reality of money. She's used our card before and we went through stuff with her. She owes us a pretty good chunk after all the stuff this fall and a credit card she racked up.

We've been floating her and supporting her with jobs she's chased and just trying to help her pull out of the downward spiral. We keep having hope. It freaking sucks. We spent a bunch of money fixing the car she drives. She's been around way more and possibly pulled away from some of the crappy influence friends (but not sure). She's been working and gets something new when she gets fired  (but doesn't seem to quite get the habits that get her fired as she keeps repeating them again and again).


We just found she took a bunch of cash. She didn't admit at first. Finally she said she's never going to forgive us for what we've done and was angry and wants us to hurt too. And also it's easier to blame us vs blaming herself for being born messed up. Etc.

She said she doesn't feel much. Besides constantly suicidal in the background. She said she'd accept her consequences and just give us her paychecks and not go anywhere.

(But she's on a kick to add an additional job--so probably going to f up the current even though it was temporary position for 2 months).

My husband is beside himself as he was already struggling with carrying everything. I don't know what to do at all. This is painful and frustrating. And I have zero hope that if I escalated it would do anything at all.


Ahhhhhh!

Everything feels pretty hopeless.

Finances are tough with a BPD kid and I'm still bailing mine out from time to time, even though she's 26.  I don't think anyone here fully has the answer to that.

The main thing I see here is that she's being allowed to make the rules....she'll live there until she pays you back, etc.  You guys need to flip that around and decide how your house runs, how you'll help financially, how she'll pay you back, etc. 

If she straight out stole from you, it may be worth considering a call to the police.  Let her be arrested, spend a day or two in jail, and then drop the charges once she sees the errors in her ways.  She needs to learn right from wrong in a very obvious way.

We tried that kinda reality check last fall with refusing to let her take the vehicle she uses. It turned into her losing job and school and ended up in the hospital after making an attempt.

I'm pretty afraid of going hardline

And... Her younger sister is really struggling with SH and I don't want more intensity here. There's literally nowhere for my eldest to go.  And I don't want her on the street. And I hear what you are saying about rules but I don't feel like I have leverage and we have been not paying for too much besides food and things for jobs. I've never been able to make her do something she doesn't want to and she just melts down frequently with even small tasks. You know, her meds are off (legit probably). It's constant excuses.

I'm tired. I'm trying to hold my household together and it's been a long long road. I don't know how to do anything and I don't exactly feel safe here now. Like I need to lock up everything besides just meds and we don't have good routines.

I hate this.

Hi JK,

My BPD DD is 22 and she also steals. Has from us, small things really, but it progressed to shoplifting now. Or so she says. As we all know, BPD often means you are a prolific liar.

I feel your pain of having her there, but not wanting her be on the streets. In many cases, there just aren't any alternatives.

Here is what we finally did after deciding that we would both go insane if she continued to live with us. We paid for her to stay in a hotel, nearby, for a month, with the stipulation that she had to find an apartment of her own and she had to keep Life 360. I know she can't check into a hotel at her age. Between the hotel and her finally finding an apartment, we came to an agreement with a friend of mine who has a child similar to our DD. It actually worked out okay for her to stay there for a month or so, because she provided some rest for the mom and otherwise engaged her child.

Just some ideas, because you sound like you really need a break, as well as your younger daughter too. Good luck!