BPDFamily.com

About fifteen years ago I got it. I understood what the family was all about and I went no contact with them instantly and it lasted for three years.  It seemed to me at that time that the person I was wanting a break from was my mother.  I didn't see my dad's fault in it.  You know he never called me or emailed or texted in those three years.  I didn't understand.  I couldn't.  I was devastated to understand that my mother never loved me so I had no energy or ability to understand that it applied to him as well. That alone was so overwhelming that to add on a special "and your dad didn't either" sauce was too much for me.  It took his death over two months ago to open a gate that I  find I am fully equipped to walk through.  You see, when you understand your mother didn't love you all else pales in comparison.  It prepared me for what was coming although I certainly didn't not know that.  I know it now and I am grateful for the wisdom.  Now that he is dead I suddenly look back with a clarity I called clarity before.  How about that?  I am healing through honesty.  Just didn't know he had to die to bring it fully about.   

Wierd other things change too.  Like his will.  He did do the right thing and left a Lady Bird deed with my name and my two sibling's names on it.  It means it goes to the three of us without probate.  It is a strange thing legally.  Once executed, even if dad went to an attorney he would have to have me sign off to remove me from the deed so no way can bro and sis do much harm there.  There is enough money there it will make a difference in my life like I can get health insurance.  Unfortunately, they live near each other and I live 2,000 miles away.  Know what is so disgusting?  I have purchased and sold twelve homes in my life.  It is how I made most of my living.  I never lost money.  I can do this in my sleep yet they are not involving me.  They are hiring this person and that person to do all sorts of expensive repairs.  I guess they think I will split the proceeds three ways.  Anyway, that is neither here nor there.  What does matter is that when you push a narcissist too far they show their colors.  I was a little surprised at my sister.  She is the too sweet one.  I always wondered what was lurking there.  Make her really mad and find out.  She said something to me.  I don't remember what and my immediate response was "Mother?  Is that you?" She got it and hung up.  Good.  Made my point  Not pussy footing around anymore.

Still, it is a little teeny tiny wee bit sad isn't it all?  I left home at 19 when my brother was 15.  We have never had a relationship since.  Classic scapegoat situation.  Protect mother even if you lose a sibling relationship.  After all these years?  Jeez bro.  Wake up.

As for my sister?  I was a little bit more surprised but I can still break it down.
Here is how I did that...
Brother is hard as nails and delusional.  Mother said he beats his wife.  Filed bankruptcy twice.

Sis?  Has lived with two alcoholics in her life.  Moved from one to the other.  Her husband spent prison time on account of it.  Now she is living with her boyfriend of some twenty plus years.  I think she abuses him.  She plays the perpetual victim but i don't see it that way anymore.  Want to know why?  Because when dad started needing to go the hospital this last year on a monthly basis for unexpected and frightening reasons she took him.  She would always call my brother for the er but only once did she call me from that very same cold and lonely er.  Why is that?

We no longer speak.  We no longer text.  We no longer email.  We are trying to sell a house.
I will be so glad when this is done and I can finish the B*** and B***** coven.  Glad the Mississippi River is between us.  Hope neither of them ever needs a kidney.

Welcome to the board. I think this post fits into the board with parents- and I think the moderators will move it.

I also thought the person "with the issues" is BPD mother. I didn't understand my father's role in their relationship. It's a lot to process. First- to say - your parents' feelings are not about you. In my situation, my BPD mother's ability to love another person is limited. She is so overwhelmed with her own emotions, I don't think she's capable. I think the saying "you have to have self love in order to love someone else" is true- and in her situation, I don't know if she has a stable sense of self to love.

Your mother didn't choose to not love you, she isn't able to.

What about Dad? Dad is enmeshed. He's the co-dependent partner. My best guess is that he may have wanted to contact you, but your mother probably has so much control over that, and if she found out, it would be difficult for him. My BPD mother shared my father's email address. If I called him, she'd be listening on the phone. Sometimes I'd call and he'd answer and we'd begin talking. I'd hear her pick up on the extension ( house phone land line) and he'd immediately hang up. Anything I said to him was shared with her.

As to other members in the family. Dad was the glue between some relationships, and they fell apart.

As to inheritances- if the dynamics in a family are disordered, adding the prospect of money brings out dysfunction. There aren't any assets from my parents so it's not something I've experienced. However, there are other posters who have had major issues with siblings over assets due to the family dynamics and hopefully they will share their experiences. After these experiences, the bonds with disordered siblings are dissolved.

I think processing our own parents' behavior takes time. I was able to understand my father's role in this better when I had to work on my own co-dependent behaviors. Since Dad was the more "normal" one, I didn't recognize these behaviors as problematic. They were "normal" in my family growing up but not helpful to me as an adult. My conclusion- BPD mother is too disordered herself to truly love another person. Dad did love me, but he also was overwhelmed by BPD mother's needs and fearful of her response if he didn't go along with her. Also, if she was angry- he lived with her, and I had moved away. I don't think we fully know the dynamics between our parents.

I also believe your father loved you to the best of his ability. Chances are- your mother was monitoring his communication and would escalate her behaviors if she saw he did that. Read about the Karpman triangle- it will help you to understand the dyanamics.

Just because your parents were limited in how well they could love you- this isn't your fault ,and you are deserving of love. All humans are.