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I recently had to have my 21-year-old son leave my home. I have been his primary caregiver since his diagnosis. He moved in for three months with his dad and spent a week living with his grandma as well. I allowed him to return to live with me a week ago. I said firm boundaries around cannabis and alcohol use, attending addiction meetings, counsellingand dialectical behavioural grouptherapy. I told him that if he consumed substances or ref refused to attend meetings, he would no longer be able to live in my home. I also set boundaries that required him to find an alternate place to spend his days while I was at work and his siblings were at school. I purchased a breathalyzer from Amazon as well as cannabis drug test kits, in order to keep him accountable to his. He was agreeable to all of these terms.

Within a matter of days, I came home and was notified by my 16-year-old that the basement smelled like marijuana. I approached my BPD child and he admitted that he had smoked marijuana in my home. When I had laid out the boundaries earlier that week, he told me that he had disposed of all of his cannabis products. When I confronted him and told him that he would have to leave my house, he started sobbing and saying that he intended to get rid of it that night. HE LAID ON THE FLOOR AND HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN. I held firm on my boundary and insisted that he leave my home. Suddenly, he went from convulsing, sobbing, and inconsolable like a switch head flipped he stood up and calmly, walked away and packed his stuff.

As he was walking out the door, I stopped him andI told him that I would help him on his healing journey, but that he no longer had a place to live with me.

I am struggling with feeling sad and worried about him. This has been a long road and up until now I was not holding firm on him dealing with substances etc. I was worried that that he would hide the substances from me if I told him they were prohibited. Before the incident, he had also been damaging property, such as kicking a wall or damaging his vehicle when he would have rage outburst. He was also resistant to getting help. He had numerous suicide attempts and threats. He had also consumed alcohol to the point of blacking out. He would steal food and alcohol from other people and generally made us feel like we were walking on eggshells.

At times, I genuinely thought he intended to follow through. He would promise all kinds of thing. However, the end result was always a half ass effort. He made it clear that he was participating in these programs, mostly to appease his dad and I and not actually getting anything out of them.

I’m exhausted. I just want to keep me and my other two children safe. I can no longer allow someone who isn’t committed to getting better in my home.

Hi there,

Boy I bet it has been tough for you for many years now, to get to this point.  However, I think you did exactly the right thing.  I know it must feel awful to not allow your son to live with you, but at the end of the day, he's making his choice.  He's an adult, and he's entitled to make that choice, even if it's not in his own self-interest.  It seems he has chosen drugs, self-medication and/or self-indulgence over living a healthy life with you, and getting back on track towards creating a productive and independent life for himself, starting with therapy.

When my stepdaughter was your son's age, she had meltdowns like the ones you describe, and she was living in a way that was less functional than your typical kindergartener.  She was NEETT--Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy, for an extended period.  Because she was doing nothing, she felt like nothing, and she took it out on her family and friends.  Her rages were severe, and she'd hole up in her bedroom for months on end.  She self-medicated with marijuana, which made her much, much worse, including delusional and paranoid thinking.  In addition, I think she was frying her brain, as she seemed so spacey and skatterbrained.  She could barely follow a conversation, let alone contribute to one, unless of course she was yelling or sobbing.

Anyway, my husband let his daughter remain NEETT in our household for far too long in my opinion.  I think he enabled her dysfunction, and it didn't do her any good at all; meanwhile, she wreaked havoc on the entire family.  So I congratulate you for insisting on healthy rules and enforcing consequences.  Your kid shouldn't use illicit substances in your home, and he should prioritize therapy, until he's stable enough to take on some studies and/or work like a young man should.  It may be that he just "goes along" with therapy in order to get concessions from you, such as free housing or spending money, but you saw through that and put your foot down.  For therapy to work, he needs to be committed to it, because therapy IS work.  He has to want to change in order to start to feel better, and not expect everyone else to change.  He probably expects others to over-function for him, and do things for him that he should be doing for himself, because he thinks he's a victim, and the world owes him.  He's constantly dissatisfied, feeling angry when he's not getting what he wants.  Not only that, but he's mean and disrespectful to family and friends.  When he doesn't get what he wants, he escalates, possibly with violence, suicide threats or suicide attempts.  That sort of distorted thinking and dysfunctional behaviors are very typical of young people with BPD.  My untreated stepdaughter went through all that, for far too long.

Anyway, I want to give you a little hope.  First, you prioritized self-care and saving your household.  You and your family are no good to your son if you are living in chaos, constantly fearful and totally stressed out.  You are responsible for making your household a sanctuary.  In fact, I think you should be modelling what a healthy adult's life looks like, for all your kids.  You wouldn't let a stranger come into your home and start punching walls, disrespect you or use illicit substances on the premises, and I think the same rules should apply to your son.  Remember, your son is responsible for himself and his emotions, not you.

You didn't mention if your son completed high school, or if he took some college courses, or if he ever held a job.  If he achieved any of these things, that tells me that he is at least moderately functional, and that his BPD (along with some self-destructive choices) got him "off track."  I will say that with therapy, it is possible to get back on track.  Though BPD might be an emotional handicap, with therapy (and possibly medication for co-existing conditions like anxiety or depression), he can learn how to deal with his volatile emotions better, so that he doesn't have meltdowns and/or engage in self-destructive behaviors every time he faces a disappointment, obstacle or a little stress.  I can say that with therapy, my stepdaughter emerged from a dysfunctional pit of despair and in just a few months, started living an age-appropriate lifestyle including moving into an apartment with roommates, taking some college courses and working part-time.  Though she still needs extensive parental support, she's gradually becoming more autonomous, and most importantly, she's moving in the right direction.  She's not having total meltdowns, engaging in suicidal talk and ruminating on negative past events all the time like she did before.  Right now, she's living in the moment, and making tentative plans for the future, looking forward with hope, instead of backward with hate.  But to get her to commit to therapy, she had to hear some ultimatums.  One of them mirrors what you you did:  her dad said he would support her if she got therapy and followed doctors' orders (including taking medications as prescribed), but if she chose not to get with the program, she was on her own.  Since she had already burned all her bridges, and she couldn't support herself, I think her choice was an easy one.  The upshot is that, with the right therapy and medications, and the right parental support, BPD is treatable.  My opinion is that it's more treatable at a young age like your son's, because he still can get back on track before he derails his whole life, and before bad habits and thinking patterns become totally ingrained.

All my best to you.  I know this is tearing you apart.  Please take care of yourself first.