BPDFamily.com

Hello.
I’m sure almost every first post you get contains words like “I don’t know what to do“. Well, I certainly don’t know what to do. But I know I need help. My wife has BPD. I don’t know if it’s ever been diagnosed, but it has completely destroyed us in just a few months. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. I love her so much but I Don’t know how to help her.  I think our marriage is already over. We can’t communicate and I am absolutely terrified. She has four kids, three from a former marriage and one from another relationship. I have looked into DBT treatment options. I’ve talked to a lawyer. My therapist of three years has strongly advised me to let go. My wife threw her ring at me down three flights of stairs after our last couples therapy appointment. I left because I broke down when she said she did want a divorce. I’ve been living in a motel for two weeks. I want to help her even if all I can do is to let her go from this marriage that makes her so miserable  and to help her get some help. I’m so scared. I feel so much guilt but all I’ve done is love her with all my heart and she has destroyed me and herself so quickly and surgically. It’s hard to believe it’s real.

Hello and welcome to the family! 

First off, take a deep breath...you'll get through this no matter what.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Try to relax.  In the moment, all this stuff feels like chaos inside your mind, but this will pass once you find your focus.  Just keep breathing your way through this.

Okay, what to do.  Priority #1 is taking care of yourself....physically and mentally.  Maybe you save your marriage, maybe not, but you're going to work through this and come out the other side okay no matter what.  Panicking and freaking out won't help because, guess what, we all did that at first and it probably made matters worse.  The sooner we focused on our own mental health, the more in control we became.  And that's so critically important...to help your wife, you have to be okay.

This site is such a great resource because of the perspective it provides.  You're not alone in this and there is hope, largely through finding new ways to communicate with your wife.  Read through the "tips" and "tools" section at the top of this page, each link is extremely relevant towards ways to improve your communications.

In a nutshell, your wife feels like you can't understand what she's going through and can't accept her, so there's no way to possibly save the marriage.  Part of that is fear talking through the mental illness, and your job is to be the anchor that pushes those thoughts away.  Again though, you must have your wits about you and get out of panic mode.  You can't fight for your marriage and panic at the same time, it just doesn't work.

I hope that helps!

Hi Eskimoe
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've found a great resource here because so many of us have gone through similar things. You're not alone. I would echo everything pook said. Self care is critical right now. We tend to neglect ourselves in stressful times but that just makes the problem worse. Take care of all aspects of yourself: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Make sure you're eating well and getting exercise and sleep. Keep in contact with friends and family who can support you. If you have a therapist, continue to see him/her. They are an invaluable resource because they can both help you with healthy  coping skills and help you understand your wife's illness. If you don't have one, consider finding one if you can. If you have spiritual practices like meditation, prayer, or going to church, keeping doing it. All these things will help you. Remember too, that as heartbreaking as it is, you can't love your wife out of this no matter how hard you try. No one could. She's ultimately responsible for her healing. And remember too that you are worthy of a safe and happy life whether she is in it or not. I'm going through a similar situation as you. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk outside the forum. You're strong and will get through it.