BPDFamily.com

Hi all - my ex is an HSP and I suspect BPD or something similar. My 8yo daughter has a lot of similar characteristics. She has trouble with emotional regulation and transitions, and can get overwhelmed in social situations. She has always had trouble with the transition into school, at many points to the point of school avoidance -- pretending to be sick, morning tummy aches, crying, bolting from the door. Since I got my ex out of the house a little over a year ago a lot of her physical acting out (e.g. physical tantrums, attacking her brother) has been less intense, but it's still there, and there is verbal lashing out fairly frequently. I got her started in individual therapy around that time and I think it helps her engage and vent feelings but I think more is needed.

I am not trying to label or diagnose her but rather looking for resources to make sure I parent her as effectively as I can. I have been exploring Deeply Feeling Kids stuff from Dr Becky and Elaine Aron's stuff on highly sensitive kids.

I am looking for really practical help with how to set boundaries without overwhelming her or her feeling rejected; how to support her self esteem; how to support her in trying new things and finding things like extracurriculuars; determining when to push her versus when to let her check out.

Are there things (books, classes, online support group, etc) that have been helpful for you or that you wish you had earlier?

Thanks and my heart goes out to you guys, this is really hard and I know many of you are dealing with quite a lot.

Hello and welcome to the family.  My heart goes out for you as well because I've walked the same path with my BPD daughter.  We knew as early as 5 or 6 something was very off and it became much, much worse in the teenage years.  One criteria of a diagnosis for BPD is being 18 years old, which was the most ridiculous thing in the world to parents with a BPD kid who couldn't get help.

A few pointers from experience.

#1, whether this is BPD or something else (my kid had a dual BPD/Bi-polar diagnosis), we're talking about heightened feelings and a potential struggle to relate to others.  This is a sickness, just like anything else, and it needs to be met with love and compassion.  It's not your kid's fault that she's different and she needs to know that different is perfectly okay.

#2, you're primary responsibility will be teaching right from wrong, all while showing love and compassion (even when punishing, even when grounding, even when spanking if you believe in that).  This is virtually impossible at times and I didn't know then what I know now, so we got so much of it wrong as parents.  That's okay though, we got through it and things are better today. 

But back then, oh my gosh....what do you do when your BPD hits and bullies brother/sister on the way to get ice cream?  We'd just go home, no ice cream for anyone, which was the wrong move.  Or we'd buy ice cream for everyone anyway, which was also the wrong move.  The right move would be to buy ice cream for everyone but the BPD to enforce that actions have consequences and it was her decision to lash out.  And when we did that, everyone was punished by her screaming and tantrums during the entire car ride.  It felt like our sanity was at stake sometimes and it was often easier to give in than be punished for punishing the kid. 

But her mom was BPD too and would almost always be the one to give in.  At least that's not a daily challenge in your life right now.

#3, therapy for kids is about talking things out, which can be helpful like you said.  But my kid would rant about her home life and tell the therapist that I was the devil (because I was the one who never gave in when it comes to right and wrong).  In some ways, the therapists would validate her feelings by letting her go on and on about how horrible we were...I'm not convinced that this was always beneficial.  But that's literally all you have until late teenage years, so try to build a relationship with the therapists to gain insights and game plans.

#4, and this is really the most important thing...be kind to yourself and remember that this is not your fault.  If this is BPD and things do escalate many years from now, it will test your sanity in many different ways.  When you can't teach right from wrong and things are going off the rails, you pick up the phone and dial 9-1-1 to say, "My daughter is a threat to herself or others."  They'll take her to the hospital, a psychiatrist will determine if she's stable, and she might be given an in-house stay at a local facility for a few days.  This is not on you though and you have to use the system effectively...even though the system is broken (again, you have to be 18 to have BPD). Find help groups in your area for parents in similar situations so you're not doing this alone.

I hope that helps and hopefully I didn't scare you.  Every kid is different and I can only comment on what I personally went through with a BPD wife and a BPD kid.  Our non-BPD kid got the worst of it and we didn't know the full story for years later, it still breaks my heart how bad she had it at times because her sister always required all of our attention.  So try to help siblings understand that sister is struggling and learning how to be different.

Thanks, I really appreciate you reflecting and sharing. Her brother is older and very patient and kind generally. My daughter does reflect and respond to things over time. And I think she’s done better as the stress level in the house has decreased since my ex has been out.shes been more comfortable socially and seeks out some constructive things like journaling, drawing and reading to regulate. But sometimes it feels like she needs so much support and there are moments she is in so much distress and I am not sure what to do.

Sure you know what to do- you love her and guide her through it.

There's things a BPD will say in the moment that throw us all for a loop...but your task is not to focus on the words.  Instead, focus on the emotions because you know how to soothe them.  What do we do when a kid is angry, scared, frustrated, sad, etc?  You know instinctively how to respond for each one of those things.  Just love her and comfort her, while also drawing a very clear line in the sand between right and wrong.