BPDFamily.com

When my daughter wants something she is unrelenting. She pouts for days, tells me how terrible and abusive I am, states all she wants to do is die and I am the reason for it, and the only thing that will help her get the smallest bit of happiness is if she can do or get what she wants at the moment. It is always changing and usually involves me giving her money I do not have to spare. She will not give up and hounds me by text ,phone calls and repeating herself over and over. We live in the same house. I have tried not answering but she ramps it up. Sometimes to the point of yelling and throwing things. I have had therapy and all they say is to kick her out but she has nowhere to go. No friends and does not talk to her dad. He does not want to deal with her issues. I have tried to set boundaries . She says she has done everything recommended but nothing helps. She does have a therapist and is taking a mood stabilizer. I am at a loss as to how to handle this as it is becoming more and more frequent. When I try to do anything for myself she calls me selfish and I do not care about her. Does not matter what I say or how I try to help her we are stuck in the same spot. It is getting to the point where I will not care about her. I don't know what to do.

Hi there,

May I ask, how old is your daughter?  Is she in school or working, even if only part-time?  Does she help around the house at all?

It's not right for her to terrorize you in her own home.  I'd say, try to gray rock--be as still and boring as a gray rock when she's yelling at you.  She either wants to get a rise out of you, or get you to give her money.  If you don't reward that behavior, then eventually she should figure out that throwing a tantrum doesn't work--not in your home, and not in the real world, either.  But you have to brace yourself for an extinction burst, a temporary increase in bad behaviors when the reward for them has been taken away.  If she throws punches or destroys property, I think you have to call 911.  She needs to learn about right and wrong, if not from you, then from the police.  She might be a slow learner, but if you call 911 every time she uses violence, she should figure it out eventually.  And rest assured, none of the mean things she says about you are true.  If she says terrible things, it's because she knows how to push your buttons, especially your ATM buttons.  You have to disable those buttons!

If she's an adult who isn't studying, working or helping around the house, then I might suggest making her work for privileges.  I'd start with the cell phone.  If she's an adult, she can buy her own cell phone.  If she wants it, then she'll have to earn the money for it.  She could start with simple part-time jobs like dog walking, pet sitting, running errands for a neighbor or baby sitting.  You might tell her, you can afford to give her shelter, food and health insurance, but she's an adult and needs to work for her personal luxuries like her own cell phone.  How does that sound to you?

Hi Sweetums
I've been mulling over your post - because I have an unrelenting DD too. It is exhausting!

I am wondering if showing DD your budget - or just even how much you need to have to cover expenses for a fortnight, would be helpful? Perhaps you have tried this.

I have found that by being very explicit about my bills etc has been quite helpful. Thinking about your post has made me wonder if I should put it down in writing so that DD has a visual of it, not just my words.

I am not flush with money that's for sure and being able to say 'if I give you that I can't pay xxx' is helpful because it is factual.

Just a thought . . .