BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone. I just found this forum and I'm so very thankful for it. My girlfriend who has BPD discarded me all of a sudden and I really need some help and perspective from others who understand. This is going to be quite long so I apologies about that. Please read it whenever you have time. Also, english isn't my native language so bear with me. TW: some talk about suicidal tendencies (not my own).

Some context about the relationship:

Me (M24) and my girlfriend (F23) met online when I had just moved abroad to Germany with my family at the age of 18. She's from my home country of Bulgaria. We were friends for a bit and on the 31st of March, 2019 we decided to try a long distance relationship. The next ~4 years were the best of my life. Our relationship went smoothly, we met each other every few months. Made so many precious memories I will always cherish. She became the love of my life. We got so attached and co dependent on each other. Other couples were even jealous of how "perfect" everything was. Looking back on this now in tears, it was truly remarkable. She has pretty bad depression and I knew that from the beginning, but neither of us were even aware of what BPD is.

One day, about 2 years ago she mentioned to me on the phone that while we were together, she felt this irrational anger at me which surprised and scared her. She then researched it online and came to the suspicion that she has BPD. I started my research on it too. She was pretty upset by it, crying and telling me that she's scared that I'll leave her  because of it. I don't like self diagnosing, but I didn't go against her opinion. Since that day, things between us slowly started degrading. We hadn't fought even once before it, but slowly we started having arguments. Calm at first, then more serious. More angry. Turned into real fights. Started having them pretty often for no reason at all. 2 years passed since then and it got progressively bad, but despite it we persevered.

I was hellbent on doing my best to support her, but it was starting to wear me down. Due to her depression, her mental health got worse. She became suicidal. Had 2 attempts that I know of, stopped one myself. According to her own words, I'm the only reason she's still here and she's both very thankful and very angry at that, because I'm blocking her from doing it successfully. My own mental health deteriorated, I became paranoid. Going more than 5 hours without contact made me panic that she did something to herself. I felt like I had to be vigilant 24/7, because her family was unsupportive. Things kept getting worse between us. I assume she started resenting me because I was "keeping her" alive. She started withdrawing from me slowly, except when we were together irl. It was all back to normal then. Just last summer, on August, we had a magical vacation. It was again perfect. We even attended a wedding, me as the best man and in our culture - the girlfriend or wife of the best man also plays a huge important role. It went swimmingly. Then I returned back to Germany to continue studying. She studied back in Bulgaria. This would've been our last year before we could move in together. Already had so many plans and wishes, it was exciting.

The problem at hand:
Now that I'm finished with the context (sorry for the wall of text again!), we come to the situation now. Since then she kept withdrawing slowly. We would barely spend time texting or calling, or doing anything much together though there were still such moments. We had a big talk about it, made some promises and I thought things were improving slowly. I had convinced her finally to seek professional help. She was managing her splitting episodes well enough, no big fights. Some stuff happened in my life that made things very tough for me. A family member passed away, another got very sick. I needed her support so much, but she wasn't really there. Not that she didn't want to, she just seemed to not be able to give it which made her angry at herself.

On the 19th of January, 2025 (just 3 days before my birthday) we had a pleasant evening. Had a call and played some games together. Later she went to take a shower and came out of it feeling a bit unwell and lightheaded. We said our goodnights by sending each other short videos. She called me her future husband in one of those then she fell asleep suddenly. On the next day, she was missing for a bit more than 12 hours. I thought she was just sleeping, but the longer she was offline - the more paranoid I got. She didn't return my calls so I decided to text her mother and ask how she is. She has a very strained relationship with her mother, she pretty much hates her but for my own good - we agreed that if I ever feel too panicked and in emergency, I'd be allowed to text/call her mother. I thought it'd be fine, seeing as she even told me to wish her mother a happy bday on call just a week before and that wasn't a problem. Anyway, I did it and her mother told me that she's not at home so she doesn't know what my gf is doing currently. All of a sudden I got an angry message from my girlfriend. She was so angry that I messaged her mother, even though it was supposed to be fine. I tried to calm her down but nothing helped. I realised she just entered a very, very bad split - worse than before. She called and kept yelling at me, something which she had never done before. Then out of nowhere told me she's breaking up with me and blocked me everywhere.

This had happened only once before - just a few monthsd ago - and her sister managed to make her snap out of it. Back then, she unblocked me after an hour, apologised profusely in tears saying that she didn't know why she's doing it to me etc. She agreed not to do it anymore, but here I was blocked again. I gave her time & space, but after a few hours she still hadn't unblocked me. I started worrying a lot, trying to contact her to no avail. One of her 2 best friends then messaged me asking wtf happened. Apparently my girlfriend told her to block me, but she didn't. We talked with her for a bit, she promised to help us. Her other friend also messaged me about it, but she didn't want to help cuz she had a bit of a strained relationship with my girlfriend.

A miserable week passed with no contact. For the first time in ~6 years I "celebrated" my birthday without her. Her first BFF went and met my girlfriend then without any messages proceeded to block me. Then the 2nd friend did it too. Now I had no ways to contact my girlfriend. I decided to send her a small postcard with a few lovely words and her favourite flowers. She received them and that night she unblocked and called me just to yell at me again. I tried to get a reason for this happening, but nothing she said made sense. She rewrote our past, made up stuff, blamed me for things that SHE did to ME and not the other way around. Then left me in tears and blocked me fully again. I had never cried since I was a kid. She always wanted to make me feel comfortable enough for me to let it out and have a cry. Well now I was full on a sobbing mess. I decided to give her more time, hoping the splitting will end - hoping she will change her mind. Booked tickets and a hotel for the 14th of February, for St. Valentines day. The most difficult time of my life was waiting until that day. It finally came and I visited her. She was shocked to see me. I tell you, the person I saw then and there was not the person I was in love with for the past 6 years. She was cold, unapologetic, could not care less about me. She didn't want to reconcile or even talk much. I begged in tears to at least talk for a bit, but she didn't want to. She again reiterated what she had told me on that call. Again nothing made sense, she was straight up making up things right to my face. I was in shock, could NOT believe it. I told her I love her very much and left in tears. Flew back home.

Since then I'm in agony. Not a moment goes by in which I don't miss her. All my thoughts are about her. I go through life like an automaton, not really living just going through the motions. I try to distract myself as best as I can, with friends and family trying to help me. But when everyone is gone and it's night, I'm left alone with my thoughts and I can't stop them from wandering to happy memories of her. Items all around me in my room, that I'm not ready to remove yet, remind me of special moments. The plushie toy she gave to me last time we saw each other. It even has her perfume on it. The hairbands she gifted me to tie my hair and always think of her. The seashells we collected together during sunset at the beach last time. The diary we kept together and now was my turn to have it. I can't even think about it without tearing up, because of what's inside it. Love letters and one page especially, in which she used lipstick to cover it whole in kisses. All of this brought me so much joy, warmth and feelings of love. Now, it's only sharp and unending pain. My heart yearns for her.

Sleep doesn't come easy and when it does, I dream of her. Then I wake up even more miserable. I wish for her to call me, reconcile and start healing together again. Like we always did. I wish it got at least a tiny bit easier with each day. But the pain is so consistent and feels so fresh. Six years man. Six years thinking I will grow old with this girl. Six years thinking we will forever be each others. Six damn years worth of memories, moments, plans and wishes we shared. An imagined future together that felt so close to happening. Just gone overnight. This is so incredibly cruel. I gave her so much of myself. I literally kept her alive by ruining myself. How can it not matter at all?

It's so much more than losing a girlfriend. A part of me is gone and even the most distant friends I have are noticing it, even though I'd like to think I'm pretty good at covering up how depressed I am. This is hell and I don't know what I did to deserve it.

Our 6th anniversary is approaching, it's on the 31st of March. I am thinking of sending her a handrwitten, heartfelt letter. Nothing that puts pressure on her, just reiterating my love for her and how much I care and worry about her well being. I want her to know that I don't hold a grudge and that the door towards me is still open. I know how stubborn she is and I know that even if she came out of the split, she wouldn't contact me out of pure guilt about what she has done. I want her to know that I'm still here in a relaxed way. Just slightly before the exact date of our anniversary so that she has time to receive it without any pressure and read it. But I'm scared that she'll just throw away the letter as soon as she sees it.

Final paragraph:
I'm so, so sorry about this wall of text again. I tried to put as much context as possible in it. I know it's difficult to gauge a situation when you only get one side, but this is the best I can do. Any questions I can answer so feel free to ask. If you've read all of this, I'm very thankful for you. I desperately need advice and even just opinions or kind words. Thank you again.

Just now I wanted to check the fitness plan I made a while ago. To start going to the gym again. I went to my notes app and what do I see? A hidden message from her, from when we were together during the summer. I must've been taking a bath while she wrote it in secret. She liked doing small silly stuff like that. I only now discovered it. What does it say? Well:

"From your love

I love you<333 22:36/ 10.08.24"

The moment I read this, I broke down again. It hurts so much.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and my marriage ended almost exactly the same way.  The re-writing of history, the sudden coldness and ugliness, the abrupt ending out of nowhere.  In my case, she met another man that she became obsessed with.

There are no easy answers here, but I'll start by saying your girlfriend is much sicker than you realize.  It does sound like BPD since there are consistent patterns there, but the official diagnosis isn't critical to moving forward.  What you might not have noticed is the same patterns are there with her mother, her family.  So this isn't a one-time event, it's been happening for awhile now.

I remember the first few weeks after our separation, I was devastated.  Like you, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep.  This will pass in time, and you have to make self care a priority.  You mentioned the gym, get serious about it and work out daily.  Spend more time out of the house with friends and family.  Pick up old hobbies again or find new ones.  You must move on with your life since that's what allows you to heal from this. 

Right now, you're traumatized and second guessing a lot.  I understand and remember those feelings.  Counseling is a huge help and I hope you'll consider it for your own mental health.  Talking to someone doesn't mean you're "crazy", it means that you're dealing with something that you don't know how to deal with.  It's a smart, healthy choice that none of us want to admit we need at times.  So please consider it.

Now about your relationship.  You only have control over your life, so the initial goal is to get you as mentally stable as possible.  Maybe she circles back to you, maybe not, but you'll have to have a clear mind to navigate this type of relationship.  Begging her to forgive you and come back only pushes her away, so you can't be that guy in a BPD relationship.  It backfires bigtime.

Your breakup was over mental illness problems that caused her to run.  In her mind, she felt betrayed by you calling mom (which she told you to do) and she was probably doing something that she was hiding from mom.  Something that she didn't want either one of you to know about.  And it caused her to spiral.

This is not your fault, so please try to stop punishing yourself.  The problem here is mental illness, so it's not entirely her fault either.  Only time will tell if she'll reach out, but the best you can do today is focus on your own mental health and start healing from this experience.

I hope that helps and please continue to share.

First off, thank you very much for taking your time to read my wall of text and replying. It helps so much to get a different perspective than my own, from someone who gets it. People in real life are trying to help me as well and I'm so glad that they do it, but I think only someone who has gone through it truly understands.

Yes, I will be working on myself. I don't think I've got much of a choice, I think I'll really fall apart if I don't. As a bonus it will distract me also. Thank you for the encouraging words. I would love to seek some kind of professional help/therapy, but unfortunately the wait times are too long here and I'm too much of a broke student to afford a private therapist. I will definitely look into it though, I know for sure that I've developed mental problems of my own.

You're right that it isn't a one off event, she has split on me before too. Never this bad though. And we could always reconcile, talk about it, heal and move on. I can't even begin to guess what triggered this. I don't know what secret thing she could've been doing to spiral so hard. Can deep guilt cause a split like this?

Also, what do you think about the letter I want to send her? Not begging or anything like that. Would it just straight up be a bad idea? One would think a whole ~2 months of no contact would be enough to cool off right? If it is "just" a split.

I completely understand.  You should be talking to friends/family about life- college, the weather, sports, politics, whatever.  But asking them about a BPD relationship is like asking a bear about surfing...it won't go well.  They can't possibly understand or give appropriate advice.

And don't worry about long posts, we all did that when we came here initially.  Post as much or as little as you want; it's therapeutic to write things out and people here completely understand.  Even if your post is just a vent-session, it's perfectly okay.


There's been studies to show that physical health boosts mental health, our bodies release chemicals after a workout that make us feel better.  So it's actually science!

If a private therapist isn't an option, look into what your college provides in terms of free therapy...there's probably options.  Support groups are also a great starting point, and I'll try to find some links for you (to NAMI, etc).


Deep guilt can absolutely cause a split like this.  That's a big part of BPD, low self worth and guilt over not being enough in life.  Sometimes, it's easier for them to run away than it is to have a conversation admitting a mistake.


I'm so sorry, I meant to tell you that the letter is a great idea...but you have to be very careful that it's validating to what she feels.  That's something we can work on in this thread together with the community.

I am a bit worried by this. I can't really think of something so bad that it would cause her to discard me like this, considering how obsessively in love she was with me. I'm familiar with how guilt works with her and she has told me before that she's exhausted from feeling so guilty all the time about the struggles we've had "because of her" (her own words). Almost always I've tried to alleviate some of her guilt, but yeah sometimes it's just impossible. I never wanted her to feel that way though. I was ready to work through almost everything.

She has never given me a reason to doubt her loyalty, but it's the one thing she knows is a complete deal breaker for me and I wouldn't have 2nd thoughts about instantly leaving if such a thing were to happen. But now ever since she broke up with me and the stuff I've read online - about people with BPD who tend to search for a replacement rather quickly - it has made my thoughts wander in that direction which I really hate. She's a very jealous type and I can be too, so we had set some important ground rules all the way back when the relationship started and none of us broke those rules since then. This is a bit private, but I'm desperate for help and understanding so I'll share it. One of the reasons she hated her mother was related to cheating, so she was very vehemently against that.

About a year ago, she started playing an online game called League of Legends. It's a very competitive game and it can be pretty damn toxic, so teamwork is very important in it. Speaking with your team and finding people to play consistently with etc. She got a bit obsessed with this game, because it gave her a safe space - something to escape to. It got out of hand when she started to unintentionally spend less time with me and more on the game. We fought pretty often about it and had big talks, it somewhat improved but it fluctuated. Was planning on talking about it irl when we're together because it'd be a ton easier. Anyway, it's a pretty male dominated game so I had to overlook that it'd be breaking one of our ground rules. She got a bit close to 1 guy in particular in a group she played with and befriended him, which again was against our mutually agreed to rules, but I wasn't against it since it's so difficult to find female gamers there. She did ask me if she could add him on discord or instagram, which I was very against. A few arguments happened about it, but she admitted that she would've done the same in my place and agreed to keep it only in game. I could see it frustrated her a bit, but I didn't think much of it. Could it be that she got attached to this person without me knowing and discarded me out of guilt? I don't really like this thought, it's too paranoid but I don't know.


No worries. That sounds good! I would really appreciate help with writing it, I think I handled my 2 past tries too emotionally so I want to give it one last, good shot just before our anniversary.

Thanks for giving more context- I played League of Legends many years ago with my kids and understand the competitive side.  While I enjoyed it, those games are almost like drugs because they draw you in and let you completely escape reality.

Could it be possible she's pursuing that guy?  Sure, it fits the typical BPD journey many people see here.  But that doesn't mean that's what happened either...every case is unique and it's dangerous to guess on things like that.

Do you have any connections still in her world?  Could you ask her mom for clarity?  I know that will anger her and that's how this whole thing started, but you do deserve some closure and it rarely comes from the BPD person without really reading between the lines.

I've no clue really. She didn't act like she was hiding anything. Only spent ungodly amount of hours on the game. When we were together, she never really hid her phone either. We were both ok with handling each other's phones. There was no suspicious behaviour. If this break up hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been having these thoughts. You never know though, especially in a long distance relationship. Takes a lot of honesty, transparency and trust to keep it going for ~6 years. But it is making me very paranoid, because it comes up often in posts I read online about BPD break ups. Also I forgot to mention, I did ask her on St. Valentine's day if there was someone else. She said no, but my mind was wrecked so I couldn't gauge how truthful she was being.


Unfortunately no. I wish I did, because I'm worried sick about her well being and her suicidal tendencies. I'm no longer there to be 24/7 vigilant and according to her own words, I was the only reason for her still being here. Only her sister hasn't blocked me, but I don't want to message her because that would for sure bring up a sh*tstorm. Actually one of the nonsensical reasons was that I "contacted" her 2 bffs ... even though I did no such thing and they contacted me, worried about her. I think my only chance is a well crafted handwritten letter.

With BPD, there's usually a favorite person (or people) who are always held in the highest regard, even when some of their actions may seem questionable to outsiders.  BPD's often see in black and white...this is good, that's bad...and they build such strong beliefs that they begin to see something (or someone) as all good or all bad.  And this can fluctuate frequently.

If you remember your girlfriend saying, "You always do this..." or "You never do that...", it's a good example of black and white thinking.  Even when it's easily disprovable, they stick to their guns because they believe it's true.

Right now, you're painted black for whatever reason...and you were a central part of her life.  We have no idea if she sought another relationship or not, but she probably did "paint someone white" as your replacement.  This could be a friend, a relative, a neighbor.  So it's false that all BPDs cheat immediately.  It could be the game itself that filled that void and not an actual person.

So don't go down that rabbit hole too much since we just don't know.  If she said she didn't cheat, then maybe she didn't.


This is being dysregulated and not realizing that 2 + 2 = 4.  When a BPD fears abandonment, they can make illogical assumptions that lead to incorrect conclusions.  Maybe she thought you were bad-mouthing her to the BFFs, or sharing too much of her personal business.  Maybe she told them something else and was caught in a lie.  Again, there's no telling and it's not a good idea to guess.  Whatever happened though, it made her worry and sent her spiraling.

I do agree that the letter would probably be the best bet.  Here are a few pointers to get you started:

1) Don't blame her since the guilt will only make her withdraw even further.

2) Don't try to explain what happened or get her to see your point of view.  She'll be emotional reading the letter and won't see it logically.

3) Do ask about how she's doing and show that you genuinely care

4) Do tell her how you've been doing and how much you miss her

5) Do apologize for anything you might have done that hurt her and let her know that it was never your intention.  However, going back to points 1 and 2, don't focus on specific things that were points of contention.  For instance, don't apologize for talking to her BFF's...that will just make her think about why she was upset in the first place.  You're apologizing for hurting her feelings, not validating the other stuff she might accuse you of.

I didn't tell you earlier, but I have a BPD ex wife and a BPD young adult daughter with the ex.  When the kid gets upset, I focus only on her feelings....if she's sad, I cheer her up.  If she's angry, I calm her down.  If she's scared, I make her feel safe.  Because for BPDs, the feelings are always more important than the "facts". 

And if dad is always safe, always helps her get her emotions under control, then dad is always painted white.  It only took me about 15 years to figure that out the hard way.  I've done the same thing with my ex as well and we have normal conversations now.

So you want to do the same thing, focus on your feelings, what you're doing in life now, and then apologize for anything that hurt her feelings.  Since you don't know specifics, we're not going to guess...but you know she was hurt and chose to leave.  A good apology would be not realizing that she was struggling because you wanted to be there for her....something along those lines.

I hope that helps!

Thank you again for replying.


Honestly man, It's kinda scary how accurate the things you're saying are. That's the exact wording she used when she was giving me the "reasons" for this breakup. "You never did anything for me" "You always stopped me from evolving as a person" etc. And I foolishly tried to reason with each statement, give her proof that it's not so etc. Now I realise it was a mistake and I should've handled it differently. That sucks.


That is what I should have done when I visited her, but I was too emotional and shocked to think straight. Unfortunate. Thank you for the tips, I will make sure to be very careful. I really don't want to put pressure on her, just reassure her and let her know I'm still here for her. And again you're spot on about the guilt. I've seen how guilt affects her before and I know that she had been feeling very guilty about the state of our relationship due to her BPD. I always tried to alleviate this feeling she had, but it wasn't possible every time. For all I know, she could very well be out of the splitting episode now and be so overwhelmed by guilt, that she'd decide to punish herself by not contacting me and doubling down on the break up. I can easily imagine this happening, considering how often she'd tell me that "she doesn't deserve me".


Even before you told me this, I could feel that you had a lot of experience. Fifteen years - I can't imagine how tough it must've been. I'm glad it's better now. Thank you so much again for all the advice and kind words. I really hope I can change her mind. There's nothing I wouldn't do to help her and keep us together. I feel like I understand BPD better thanks to you.

By the way, would bringing up past happy memories in the letter help or should I avoid things like that?

I wouldn't go overboard, but maybe one or two great memories would work.  Just tell it from your viewpoint and zoom in on the emotion.  Example- "That time we were at the lake, I remember thinking this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Then you said this and I said that, and I felt...."

Focusing on your feelings is the language she understands and relates to.


First off, how could you possibly know?  Give yourself some grace because every single one of us are here because we got it wrong.  That's called being human.  The difference between us and someone with BPD is that we can forgive and forget a whole lot easier.


For most of my kid's life, I thought she was a monster because....well, she was a monster.  But then I saw the relationships she had with friends and some family members, she'd risk her own life just to get to them in a moment of trouble.  And i was perplexed- why the double standard?  Why would she forgive her loser friends 500 times but not cut her dad an inch of slack?

It finally clicked though, she was sick and BPDs lash out the hardest at those they're closest to when they feel neglected.  And it really came down to just being kind and compassionate, paying closer attention to her mood swings and understanding that it wasn't about me, even when she was screaming at me and blaming me for everything. 

It was all just drama because her world was falling apart in a panic attack and she just needed someone to calm her down.

That's why I've said, focus on the emotions.  The words are often lies to protect a BPD from talking about what actually matters.  Their emotions give them away though- sad, scared, outraged, etc.  The emotion dictates how to react to soothe them out of the moment.  Even though their accusations might be 100% BS, the feelings attached to them are 100% real and they're actually suffering.

Once all of this finally "clicked" for me, I stopped having BPD problems other than an occasional outburst that was gone as quick as it started.  Because it finally made sense- if you see anger, help them calm down.  Sadness, show compassion and cheer them up.  It's stupid simple if you can avoid being drawn into the drama by arguing.

I'm very glad this has been helpful, and I look forward to seeing your letter.  Really hoping we can let you put some of this into practice.

Yep, there are a few special moments which I want to mention. I'm just unsure. It's so weird. If I was going to write her a letter just a month ago - I'd be so sure in my thoughts and reasoning, but now it's like I'm dealing with a whole new person so I'm second guessing almost everything. It feels bad that I have to ask you things like "would mentioning X be a bad thing" as if she's a stranger to me. I'm also unsure about how frank I should be in telling her about my feelings. I don't want to make her feel guilty by talking too much about the pain I feel from this break up. I'll have to plan the letter very carefully.



I just wish I had done this before, when I had better chances. For example when I went to visit her. But oh well, I can't change the past. Now that I'm more aware of what works with BPD thanks to you, maybe I'll do the right things and change her mind. Also, again it's so weird how accurate you are about my experiences with her. I've also wondered many times why she's such an angel towards her 2 best friends, but towards me she can be so cruel and monstrous. It's also relieving to know that I'm not alone and that many people have had these same issues.


Would it be ok if I posted the letter here when it's done? Just to be safe, I really don't wanna mess it up. I'd have to translate it into english so some things might sound off, but still I'd love to hear your opinion on it.

Also, from what I've told so far - what do you think are the chances of us coming back together? You can be honest, I'm not trying to lie to myself and give myself false hope. I know it's probably very unlikely, but I'd appreciate to hear your thoughts about this since you have so much experience.

Absolutely, it's a great exercise to work through what you're feeling and doing it here means it can help someone a few months or a few years from now in the same position.  We can also get some of the other members to help so we have different opinions and ideas.


That's the million dollar question that everyone asks and it's the toughest one to answer accurately since every situation is different.

In general, BPDs will recycle relationships many times due to the fact that it's what they've done their entire lives.  This happens with parents, siblings, etc. because they don't understand the behavior either, and it's very common with relationships. 

It doesn't happen 100% of the time; for example, my ex wife never tried to come back after we separated, but she also married the guy she left me for.  My situation was very unique though because her favorite person was the guy's disabled son that she cared for as her job. So through marriage, she actually became mom. I honestly think that's more why she left in the first place; it was more about the handicapped person than the dad at first.

The vast majority of the time though, those rebound relationships don't last and the BPD will try to loop back to the ex and work things out.

Now, your ex said she's not dating anyone and that may be true.  Maybe video games and close friends are more than enough for now.  The same thing sort of applies though when she has conflict with the new favorite person, she'll look to her past to run from it. So there's some chance she reaches out to you when things turn south.

With you pursuing her, doing it the wrong way (how you'd normally win a girl back) will confirm every bad thing she's ever thought and completely kill your chances.  We went over that though, you can't "blame her", you can't re-hash the past, you can't demand answers or major changes.

Pursuing her the right way (genuine concern, empathy and compassion, not stepping into arguments) gives you a much better chance of actually reconnecting.  If you can re-establish a friendship and build trust, things can turn quickly.  Because trust is the entire goal here- she trusted you until she didn't.  It can take time or it could go quickly, it really comes down to having a conversation and breaking the ice. 

Again, every situation is different and depends on the outside factors in her life.

I'd be scared to give you a percentage because I'd be guessing off of what I've seen here over the past few years.  I'd say over half got a 2nd chance at relationships though; some worked and some didn't.  But I feel confident that you could at least have a few conversations in time.

I'd be so thankful for that, especially if others chimed in as well but my story is so long, I don't blame anyone for not wanting to read it. I'll carefully write in the next few days and we'll see what I'll come up with.


I'm really nervous that she'll immediately look for someone new, I really hope she doesn't. We've been each others firsts in just about everything. That would completely break the magic for me. It's an absolute dealbreaker.


I wish she hadn't blocked me. I don't know if she'd even look at a letter sent from me. I keep flip flopping between being slightly more hopeful and being completely pessimistic and hopeless. I think to myself, surely 6 years worth of special memories, obsessive love, wishes and plans for the future can't just disappear without a mark - there must be something left in her that cares about me. She could barely function without me. But other days I remember how cold and uncaring she was at the end and it gets me depressed. I really, really hope she would at the very least unblock me and keep some contact so that I know she's physically ok. I'm so scared that she'll do something stupid to herself.

Sorry if I'm being pushy - I'll understand if you want to avoid giving a percentage, but I'd still like to hear an approximate % guesstimate from you about how likely it is for her to at least come back in contact with me. My mind is going crazy flip flopping between the 2 states I mentioned earlier. It feels like the more opinions I hear - the more it can calm down.

Reconnecting after the discard phase is common, so your chances are over 50%.  Again though, every situation is different and you've been broken up for a little over a month.  Give this some time.

It both feels like too long, dangerously long - enough for her to find someone new, but also it feels painfully fresh. Maybe because it's also my first real break up so it's even more intense. It's so exhausting to feel like this all the time, I just wish my mind could settle for a bit at least. Thanks again for everything. I'll keep trying to work on myself and write the letter.

Hi Hex-dzh, I relate so much to everything here: 

The slow build through a long distance relationship and being each other’s first, more or less.

The codependency.

Saving and helping her so many times (though not her life in as literal a way as you).

Going through arguments that logic couldn’t win and having things held against me while everybody else in her life got a pass.

The short blocking during an early breakup followed by a serious blocking in our final (?) breakup that continues to this day. 

The nonstop rumination, wondering about her, concern about her.

Getting in serious trouble for reaching out to somebody on her behalf at one point, which I thought was the right thing to do.

Not being able to throw away the keepsakes from her. Including something with her scent on it though that has long since faded.

I relate to so much in your story, though for me it’s been 2.5 years since our breakup. I hope you move on faster than I have although I wouldn’t judge you if you’re still here in a couple of years because wow these relationships leave a mark.

It’s not true that all pwBPD move on quickly because my ex doesn’t appear to have dated at all in these 2.5 years. She seems to have thrown herself deeper into animal rescue, a good cause but in other ways a distraction much as League of Legends might be for your ex. It’s a double edged sword. It would be such a gut punch to see my ex with somebody else but also it would force me to move on myself and give up hope that any given morning I could wake up to a text from my ex. Seeing that my ex doesn’t seem to have “moved on” keeps me in a limbo, though many would say it’s self imposed at this point.

I agree that a letter showing concern for your ex isn’t a bad move. I’ve sent a letter or two like that and it didn’t get a response, but I also spent the first several months of the breakup doing all the things you’re not supposed to do: begging, arguing my side of things, pointing out all of the things she did wrong hoping that she could see her own mistakes and own her own part of the dysfunction. My last communications have been along the lines of what you’re going to write, but I did a lot of damage before that.

Like with your ex, mine shared feelings of inadequacy, saying things about how she was “no good” for me. And while she completely rewrote history and turned me into the biggest villain of all time, I do wonder if the anger has subsided a bit and now it’s shame that’s holding her back from making contact. But I’ll never know her state of mind as long as I am completely shut out of her life. I hope we both speak to our exes again, and both get another shot at our relationships. Speaking personally, I believe that having spent so much time on this forum over the last couple of years and reading books such as “Stop Walking on Eggshells,” navigating a BPD relationship would be more doable…if the chance is given.

in reading your story, there isnt a clear and obvious spark that exploded into a breakup - thats not unusual, lots of breakups are a slow boil - but you have some clues.

1.
what were these struggles? how did they play out? how often? were they resolved, and if so, how?

2. she was very upset that you contacted her mother - probably not the reason you broke up, but if there was trouble brewing, it could have been a catalyst.

3. arguments about boundaries with the opposite sex - it sounds like there was tension there and that the two of you werent on the same page.

4. she threw the kitchen sink at you when you broke up - blamed you for everything. what that tells you, more than anything specific, is that she was carrying long standing and simmering resentment. thats important to understand: this didnt happen out of nowhere. it is probably the most challenging thing to sort through, both because it doesnt match with your own experience, and because it is likely distorted - often times, that anger that has been building toward a breakup softens over time, and perspective changes. it is also even harder to try to see things through an ex's eyes in the immediate aftermath, when we are struggling with our own hurt feelings and broken heart - it took me a long time to understand my exes perspective - but to the extent you are able to examine this from a more detached perspective (like an outsider with a 30000 ft view of the relationship), the clearer things will become.

i bring these things up because if theres any hope of reconciling a relationship, one has to understand the reasons that the relationship died in the first place, what its going to take to change those things, and whether its possible.

i suspect if you dig deep, the signs that your relationship was frayed/fraying were present.

what can you do now?

it is difficult to reconcile a relationship with someone who has you blocked. by definition, its a sign that they are closed off to the idea of communication.

a letter is one idea. i think that it carries a low success rate, and you need to be prepared that it may be ignored, or that you will receive backlash. if the goal is essentially to give things "one last chance", and then grieve the relationship if it doesnt work, thats something you can do.

i would not make it "a letter". i would first determine whether my goal was to ask her to talk, or whether my goal was to basically say "im here if you ever want to talk". both carry a low success rate, but the latter is lower pressure, and could potentially thaw some ice.

id keep it short. i wouldnt include any gifts or anything of that sort. my goal would be to remind her the door is open (she already knows this), and hopefully soften her heart to the idea of talking in the future, when shes ready. i would not expect to "break through to her".


80% of us arrive here clinically depressed. if youre waiting on therapy, it would be a good idea to schedule a depression/anxiety meds assessment with your primary doctor. there are also lots of supplements that can help with depression, and studies show them to be as effective or more - SAM-E was a godsend for me in the early days of my breakup. id highly recommend it. it improved my mood and drastically cut down on my ruminating. also, dont underestimate how important a good nights sleep is. depression is an awful loop that will do things like interrupt your sleep, reduce your appetite, etc, and those things will in turn make depression worse. i started taking melatonin after my breakup, and it would help shut my thoughts down and get my body ready to turn off for sleep. when i saw my doctor, my sleep was the primary thing my doctor was concerned about - its a big deal.

i mention this because coping with what youre going through is hard enough, but also because if she decided to reach out tomorrow, youd be in a very anxious place. make mental health a priority, lean on your support system (here and elsewhere) and it will make your path clearer.

PS. i wouldnt pay much attention to what you read on the internet about BPD. most of it is, frankly, junk. the far more important parts of this equation are you, her, and the unique relationship the two of you had/have now.

Hello friend, first off thank you for taking your time to read my post and replying. It feels a bit relieving to know that I'm not totally alone in this. I'm sorry you went through this as well, I do hope your ex gets in contact with you. I don't know how likely it is for both of us, but we can only hope at this point. I'd like to think that I didn't do unrepairable damage, but only she knows. We'll see. I'm told by irl friends and family to move on, but it's so very difficult to let it go, especially since the break up is so fresh and the relationship has been so long. I love her just as much as I've always loved her. I wish she could feel it again.

Best advice I could give to you is sit back, relax and enjoy your life to the best of your ability. Find things that make you happy that have nothing to do with her. Under no circumstances should you reach out to her, ever. Exercise, read books, take long walks and reach out to friends and family. Smile even when you don't want to. In time the spell will be lifted and you will be free...

Hello! Thank you so much for reading my wall of text.


1) These struggles only started slowly showing up when she mentioned that she suspects herself of having BPD. It didn't start right away, it took months for it. It started out as irrational moments of anger towards me, which she realised were wrong and we could sorta navigate those. Then it moved to arguments. Those arguments were always about her spending less and less time with me and more and more time on League of Legends. For some time she'd promise change and for a week or two it'd be fine, then she'd go back to spending most of her time on it. Then pressure would build up until I couldn't take being neglected and bring it up, which would then trigger her and she'd split on me. Later we'd talk about it more like adults, reconcile, move on for a bit until it inevitably showed up again. When she wanted to add that guy on discord and insta, it moved from harsh arguments to fights in which she'd be verbally abusive (though not saying completely awful stuff).

2) It could very well be that. I was very careful with when I'd contact her mother - only in situations we'd agreed to, but this time I don't know what happened. As I said, just a bit earlier she was fine with me even wishing her mother merry christmas on the phone and then even a happy birthday later (the latter being her own idea!). When she'd have arguments with her mother, I'd always be supportive of my girlfriend. I don't know what went wrong and why.

3) Yes, that's the one thing that always sparked big fights and we could never resolve to complete satisfaction I think. Which is weird, because she's insanely jealous and the boundaries we talked about in the beginning of the relationship were mutually agreed upon. In one of those fights, I asked her what she'd do in my place and she admitted that she'd be doing the same. That still didn't stop her from continuing the argument. I have no idea why she wanted to make an exception just for this specific guy. I even offered her to drop this particular boundary for both of us then, if she's so unhappy about it, but no - she didn't want it completely gone, she only wanted this one exception. The last time we saw each other during the summer in August, she had absolutely no problem with me handling her phone. We both had no problem with that. We knew each others passwords and added each other's fingerprints to be able to unlock the phones. She didn't hide anything, nor did I. So I have no reason to doubt her loyalty, but it is very odd. It might've just been platonic attachment who knows. Also I do realise this might be a bit too extreme of a boundary in general, but it's what we agreed on together and it worked perfectly until then.

4) For sure, it didn't quite literally happen out of nowhere. But I don't know what exactly was causing this resentment on her part. I can only guess. I think the problems with that particular dude played a role, but not a very big one. I think what played a bigger role is that she felt like I was stopping her from successfully committing suicide. As dark as that sounds. She very clearly told me that she did not want to live anymore, but she's here and trying only because of me. That could've built a ton of resentment. I could also feel that she was slowly (maybe unconsciously) trying to withdraw from me so I worked harder for us to spend more time together etc. That could've triggered her fear of engulfment, thought it never showed in real life. Again I refer to last summer, she was legit inseparable from me. If I let her, she'd probably even come to the toilet with me. I don't know really.


Yeah it is very difficult and I do know it's highly unlikely. It's all in her hands. But what is in mine, I want to do right so that she at least KNOWS that I'm there waiting for her whenever she's ready and I don't hold a grudge, or blame or resent her. That I still love her so, so much. As you said, I don't want this letter to be some kind of begging or trying to make her contact me immediately. I want it to be non pressuring, relaxed, reassuring and most importantly loving. I won't send any gifts or anything, but I do want to make the letter a bit more special. Like spraying some of my perfume that she really liked. Would that be a bad idea? I really don't want to trigger anything bad. I want this letter to be as close as possible to the perfect move.


Thank you for this advice. You're right, all of this has been incredibly damaging to my mental health, which was already a bit fragile due to her BPD symptoms (of course I'd never mention this to her!). I will look into SAM-E, I don't even know what that is or if it's available in Germany. I wasn't aware a primary doctor could prescribe meds, I will talk with her and see what can be done. Honestly, I feel completely ruined, exhausted and severely depressed. I will do what I can to help myself. The pain is so unbearable, especially at night.

Hello, I appreciate this advice and I know that you're right. But I can't move on yet, there is still some hope in me. I want to try everything possible first. If nothing works and I'm discarded forever, then I would at least know in my heart that I gave everything and it's not my fault. Only then I think I can truly move on, work on myself and possibly find someone new in the future. That seems impossible for now though. The unhealthy codependency I developed is really strong unfortunately.

I understand how you feel, wanting to say you've given it your all before moving on. Seems logical. Unfortunately, relationships (especially those involving BPD) are not logical. Your best option for both outcomes, moving on or getting her back, is to do absolutely nothing.

You focus on bettering yourself, even though you don't want to, you push forward through the heartbreak, even though it hurts, you will be better on the other side. If you reach out to her it will most likely only continue to push her away. Your best option is to sit back and let her come to you. Then you can consider if this relationship is really worth your time.

The problem with that is, I feel like the more time passes - the easier it will be for her to solidify the break up and/or find someone else. If that happens, then it will be truly over and I'd be left wondering if anything could've gone differently had I done X, Y, Z. I don't want to have those thoughts years from now, I want to know that I've done what I can and be free of it

You've stated that she knows the door is still open. You can't persuade her to walk through it. That is not how attraction works. Space and distance is your best bet because it allows her to possibly miss you. If you are constantly reaching out she will never truly miss you because you are always there.

Space and distance also allows you to heal. Find ways to enjoy the space instead of seeing it as something bad. Again, it is the best option for either outcome.

The letter idea is a good middle ground; it gives it a shot while you respect her need for distance.  You must manage expectations though since she probably won't reply right away.  You said it yourself, the best way forward is focusing on yourself and healing.

I don't think she knows that, I think if she comes out of this splitting episode - she will feel very guilty and shameful. And when she's like that and has no one to help her, she punishes herself by further isolation/doubling down & self harm. There's no one she hates in the world more than herself, so she will definitely not contact me unless the abandonment hits her particularly hard. Now, this time is different and I can't predict what will happen. I just know how she was before. If there's no one to reassure her, her thoughts will be "I don't deserve him. I've hurt him so much. He's better off without me. He probably hates me and doesn't want me to return. He isn't trying to contact me so he cut me off forever" etc. That's why I wanna send her a letter before our anniversary, which is enough time from now I think.

Yep, as I said I'm not expecting something or want to pressure her. I just want to reassure her if she needs it. Show her the door is open IF she's ready for that. I won't be doing anything more than that. As a bonus, it will also help me by knowing that I've done everything I can.

Splitting episodes are most common in minutes or hours, sometimes days.  Month-long splitting episodes are less common. 

I just don't know what to call it. Split induced discard? Fear of engulfment? Push part of "push and pull"?

Yeah, discarded from a split is more accurate, and the terminology itself doesn't really matter.  I just wanted to make sure you knew that this is no longer a temporary split- she's moved on mentally.

Yep, as I said this time is very different. Completely new territory for me. I can only hope it won't be forever.

take a couple that want to have children. they get married. one of them changes their mind about wanting children.

how do you resolve that?

sometimes a couple can share a value and agree to the boundaries around it, until one doesnt. not unlike how most couples, ostensibly, are loyal/monogamous until someone cheats.

it happens. sometimes it ruptures the relationship. sometimes its resolved.

i offer that only to suggest that sometimes a couple is on the same page until theyre not, or its possible that they never were. so much about relationships is figuring all of that out.


was this related to her suicidal ideation, or something else?


i would keep Goodpal's advice in mind. there is a possibility that the letter backfires (remember, she has you blocked everywhere, so any letter is an attempt to go around that). there is a possibility that you regret sending it - i recall that after my breakup, i nearly drove the hour to leave her a note. its been 14 years since we broke up, and its ancient history, but had i followed through, i suspect i might still be kicking myself to this day if id done it.

he is right that theres nothing you can say that she doesnt know.

as i sit here, i think if done right, its less likely to backfire, but not likely to have a high success rate. i think shes likely to ignore it initially - and you should be prepared for that - but my hope would be that it would thaw the ice in a way that she might be more likely to reach out in the future.

is a letter/message necessary to achieve that same goal? probably not.

your motivation to send it seems sound - to make sure its clear the door is open, and to give it your last best shot, a hail mary. but beware of anxiety. anxiety tells us we need to act. that if we dont, we will regret it. it tells us that acting will relieve the anxiety, and the heartache.

be wary of that. im not telling you "dont send a letter" - in fact its a good exercise to write the letter and get feedback. but before doing anything, and especially before sending it, id sit with the anxiety, and be certain that im acting, not on anxiety, but in full confidence.


i think its important to see this, not as a temporary episode that shes going to wake up from, but an accurate expression of her feelings. her feelings may change - they often do, for most people, as that post breakup ice thaws - but i think there is a tendency to assume, in part based on past experience, that people with bpd are otherwise ordinary people who experience an "episode", come out of it, and then are back to being ordinary until the next one.

it can feel and look that way to us, but thats generally not how bpd works. bpd is a deeply ingrained world view. its always there, and it colors everything. the way she feels about you now is as real as the way she felt about you at her strongest. i think the confusion tends to be around episodes of dysregulation, which does tend to be more "episodic" -  our loved ones go from 0-60, you get the kitchen sink thrown at you, and then they return to baseline. thats a typical feature of bpd, but this isnt dysregulation, or a case where shes going to open her eyes and ask "what have i done".

i mention that, in part for your understanding, so you know what youre up against so to speak, but also that if youre hoping that there are magic words or actions that will trigger her to wake up in horror from an episode, and return to you, and the letter is part of that effort, it is very unlikely to play out that way.


the fear of engulfment is often misunderstood. one common misunderstanding is "we got close, so they had to push me away", which may feel comforting as a way of explaining the breakup, but is generally not the case.

we all put our best foot forward in the beginning of a new relationship. we all tend to present a best version of ourselves to attract a partner, and usually, its the version we think will be most attractive to them. we all do this. as we become more comfortable and secure in the relationship, we start to show more of the rest of us. sometimes we test each other with it.

people with bpd do this too, but to a more extreme, or pathological degree, based on longstanding and deep insecurities.

the way that the fear of engulfment tends to manifest is that over time, a person with bpd will resent themselves first - sort of like imposter syndrome, but not the same thing - but see themselves as unworthy and/or phony, that no one can love them for who they really are - and then resent you for "making them do it". theyll feel that you love them, not for who they are, but for this idealized version they presented, that isnt a fully accurate version of who they are. and in a lot of ways, they usually arent wrong.

but there is a tendency to feel that they have to keep up this image that they cant keep up, and a tendency to resent us for that - to fear that they will lose themselves or be consumed (engulfed) by the relationship. if you think hard to all the kitchen sinking she threw at you, id wager that some of it or a lot of it was that.


both sam-e and melatonin occur naturally in the body. they are just supplements, but some supplements have a more powerful and noticeable effect than others. for example, passion flower was fantastic - about as powerful as say, xanax (ive used both) - for my episodic anxiety attacks. you wont get that kind of effect from say, taking vitamins. sam-e can be pretty powerful when it comes to getting the body back in balance - after a few days, you will feel it, it will be noticeable.

primary doctors can prescribe depression meds. they arent psychiatrists - they will tend to prescribe you the most popular antidepressant, or the one theyre used to prescribing - whereas with a psychiatrist, the process will be more in depth and tailored to you. for situational depression like a bad breakup, thats often just fine, though there may still be some trial and error, changing of doses, etc. anti-depressants are also notorious for side effects.

none of it is a cure, of course. the goal should be primarily to get your body back in balance and to the point where it isnt fighting itself. to recover from a breakup, you need, among other things, routine (as much as possible), strong support (in person - surround yourself with people that love you and spend quality time with them - and out of person like here), and, as youre able, to pursue things that give you confidence, especially things like learning new skills.

You're right and I offered to drop that 1 particular boundary for both of us, if it was making her too unhappy. Yet she didn't want that, she only wanted an exception. Don't think I could've done it any differently honestly.


A big part of it was due to that, yes. We even had some talks about it. Several times she tried to withdraw and isolate (from everyone, not just me) to make it possible for her to attempt suicide. Sometimes it was done consciously, sometimes not. Sometimes it stopped, sometimes it was stronger. But I do think it wasn't the only reason. I can only guess, but for example she could be very impulsive - all of a sudden she'd decide that she should just drop her best friends. Sometimes she'd decide to completely go offline from any social media, scrub her pages/profiles clean then weeks or a month later she'd show back up (though she still kept contact with me of course).

Sometimes she felt "empty" and "emotionless", so anyone who didn't know how to handle it would make her feel frustrated. I had to be very careful during times like that and not show much emotion either. But it's not always possible. The end of 2024 and start of 2025 was very difficult for me, with a family member passing and another getting very sick. Uni work piling on. Some of the stuff from the relationship taking its toll on me. I was depressed and needed her support. That's something she always wanted to reciprocate, she always told me it's unfair that I do so much, but she doesn't have to do the same in return. She really wanted to be there for me too. This time I really needed that and I thought I could rely on her, but she entered one such episode/mood and there was a disconnect. One thing she said to me was "I love you so much, but right now you are being too emotional for me" so I tried coping by myself and not pushing too hard. Thought I was balancing it fine, but I guess not. Who knows.


I'd like to think that I'm not being delusional about the possible outcomes of this letter. I keep telling myself to expect the worst. But I can't lie that there's still small hope in me that it'd at least thaw the ice as you put it. I'm trying very hard to be rational about it. I think if I had let my anxiety win, I'd have already sent the letter and/or kept trying to contact her. But I think waiting until the end of March is enough time to sit with it? The time from now until then would be just over the time from the break up until today.


I'm just not familiar with the correct terms, I didn't mean to insinuate that it's just a temporary thing. I do think a split/dysregulation played a big role in causing it but it's not just that. This is the worst it has ever been, it's the nightmare I feared. And it came true. Thank you for explaining it further to me, it's eye opening. I'm not expecting her to suddenly realise what she's done, but I do hope this painting black and discard can soften a bit at least. I think I've seen her kinda discard a best friend once, previously. I'm not familiar with the situation exactly, but one of her best friends also used to be her favourite person before me. But things that I'm not aware of happened between her and this girl which lead to my ex discarding her and them going no contact. Since then it has been several years, but every so often my ex would bring her up and tell me how badly she still misses her and stalks her profiles sometimes. If she gets to such a point, I just want there to be something that can reassure her "Hey, I still love you. I don't hold a grudge. I'm right there waiting for you to contact me. Don't punish yourself".



It all sounds so tragic. We had been together for so long, we both changed so much throughout the relationship and evolved from teens into young adults together. Thinking back on it now, it makes me feel like she would no longer feel the need to do such a thing. It's not one particular version of her that I loved. We both changed and the feelings stayed the same, I'd like to think that it was proof enough for her. But seeing how severe it can be from what you describe, it could very well be that this played a huge role too. I always supported her when she wanted to change something about herself, even if some things seemed very impulsive. Even things as "small" as a new haircut/haircolor, a new style of clothing, new piercings or a new small tat. It was heartbreaking when she told me that I "never" let her change/evolve as a person. Maybe this is what she meant then, that she felt consumed by the relationship and that she couldn't keep up with the image she was showing me. I thought I knew the true her by now, that she didn't need to fake anything but maybe I didn't. Not to its fullest extent at least. I don't know.


Yeah I just researched SAM-E a bit and it seems to be getting a lot praise wherever I look. I will def give it a try. Melatonin too. And if things still keep being this bad, I will visit my doctor as well. Thank you for all the advice, explanations and help. Things are so difficult for me right now and I'm trying my best to keep going.

Honestly I wish I had discovered this forum before. Things might have gone differently :(

as a starting point, someone experiencing chronic suicidal ideation is going to be a difficult person to have a relationship with.

thats someone that is going to be consumed with whats going on with them - emotionally unavailable. in other words, it would take its own toll, too.


it doesnt sound like it. sure, you have hope, thats the point.

i do think, and this is purely a hunch, based on my own experience, and similar situations, that if she is going to respond, shes likely to sit on it for a while.

it also sounds like shes the type of person who likes to restart her life with a clean slate, and often. there are just some people, and/or some situations, where they prefer to leave the past in the past. so that remains a possibility.


that is the course for most people, bpd or otherwise.

people dont generally like to end things on a bad note, and when they do, once the ice thaws, they tend to want to rectify that.

and sure, lots of people hold a grudge forever, or maybe theres too much baggage and its simpler to clean the slate.

but generally speaking, as people heal, as resentment cools off, their narrative of the relationship and attitude toward the other person changes.


i mentioned that bpd is a world view. its an entire belief system, based on lifelong fears.

think of a person with a severe fear of flying. you cant disprove their fear of flying. they can read the same statistics about the safety of flying as you and i can. or think of a really good looking person with low self esteem, that believes they are ugly, even if they suitors lined around the corner.

i say that to suggest, we all came from dysfunctional relationships that we all played a role in, but those deep seated fears were there before us. in an ideal world, we can help create a relatively consistent sense of relationship security, but those deep fears, insecurities, beliefs, will always be there to a degree, and they will always challenge the relationship.


that does sound like an example. it is incredibly hard to hear.

take your time with the note, and post it for feedback when youre ready. i dont have immediate suggestions beyond what to avoid; its a hard note to write, but we can definitely help you fine tune it.

That's the plan for now. Slowly work on myself, try to not fall into too deep of a depression and carefully write that letter (with help from here, which I'm very thankful for).

I do want to ask you the same questions I asked Pook075. What do you think is the most likely outcome? And based on everything I've written so far, what do you think is the possibility (in %) of us reconciling and coming back together in the near future, before she finds someone new?

Also, while I do want to write this letter and send it - I am still a bit unsure if I should. What would be best for me to do in your opinion? If my goal was for us to get back together.

Honestly, if you really feel the need to write the note it should be extremely brief. Basically, just saying that you still love her and the door is still open if she ever chooses to come back. That is it. The ball is in her court. Do not put anything else in the note, and once you send it do not look back.

The note is more for your piece of mind than anything else. Pushing this too far can lead to smothering which you may have already done. Space and distance should be your new friends.

That's what I'm afraid of. I keep flip flopping between wanting to send the letter and being very unsure. I'm so torn. That's why I want to gather as many opinions as possible.

I just came across your thread, so if I make a comment that's already been said, understand I might have missed it.

In your first post you mentioned that it was just a few days before your birthday.  Incidents such as what you experienced often occur around such times, whether birthdays, births, deaths, holidays, vacations, even just preparing for vacations, etc.  So it's possible all this was due to that 'trigger' and perhaps other factors as well of which you're not even aware.  You may never figure it all out, it just 'IS'.

To pull an example out of my past... It was our wedding anniversary.  She liked red roses, even dried them to make dry flower arrangements.  Well, the the red roses at the store were wilted, so I saw some beautiful carnations and thought nothing of the substitution.  Oh no, she became enraged, cut them up and threw them in the kitchen trash.  I had no idea that was a trigger for her.  And no amount of reasoning worked.

Another thought... Had you two recently experienced something that  made you more obligated to one another?  It seems that the relationships start well because there little or no obligation at first (and also distance can be a calming factor) but as the relationships grow, the sense of obligation becomes overwhelming.  Not for you since you're relatively normal, but for her it could be a huge issue.

Borderline traits become more noticeable and more problematic the closer you are.  That's why so many BPD relationships keep continuing, just when you've been pushed away and you think it has ended, the distance apart sometimes relaxes the other and the person wants you back.  Push-Pull for  relative normal people is usually minor and just a part of life, but when there is Borderline dysfunction all the upset and chaos is amplified way out of proportion.  That is why BPD is also described as an emotional dysregulation disorder... where feelings are everything and facts are denied.

Whether you are in the midst of a major push-pull or a permanent blacklist may be unknown for quite a while.  A bigger question is... Now that you are learning what you're dealing with, do you want your life to continue with these extreme ups and downs like an out of control roller coaster or would it be wiser to Step Away, Let Go and Move On with your life, focused first on your own recovery?

Hello, thanks taking the time to read this thread and reply!


It could've contributed yes. My birthday was coming up, and just half a month later would be Valentine's day and after that was our anniversary.


Kinda yeah, we attended my cousin's wedding in which I was the best man and in our culture, the wife/girlfriend of the best friend also plays a big role in the wedding. She met a lot of people from my extended family. I had already met hers. But the odd thing is, that one of the many nonsensical (to me) reasons she threw at my face for the break up was that we still weren't engaged, that she didn't have a ring from me yet. That took me by surprise, because we discussed it very often and her opinion was strictly that such a thing should happen only after we stop being in an LDR and move in together. I agreed with her, but we still kept discussing it from time to time - just to make sure we're on the same page. She never indicated that she was unhappy about this so it really took me by surprise. This year would've been the last before we could move in together. We were both eagerly waiting for us to finish uni.


Honestly I don't know. It's too fresh for me to think about actually moving on and letting go of our relationship. It was so long term and we had become codependent (unfortunately). If she came back to me now, I'd accept her with open arms and work hard again to make sure she gets professional help and this doesn't repeat. I'd still be ready to do everything in my power to help her. It's so painful not knowing if it's permanent or not, I don't know what to do really. Maybe in a year or more I'll feel different. This month will be utter hell to go through due to the upcoming date of our anniversary.

What do you think about my idea of sending her a letter a few days before the anniversary?

i think thats right.

to add to that, i would avoid making it about the anniversary, and i wouldn't spray it with perfume. you dont want it to be "heavy".


its worth writing, as an exercise, whether you ultimately send it or not.


i couldnt put a percentage on it. i think the odds are statistically low.

you have to keep in mind:

1. she has you blocked. thats a statement in and of itself. its not one that is welcoming of a note, or any communication.
2. she did the breaking up. the person doing the breaking up, to whatever extent has grieved the relationship, starting before us.
3. statistically speaking, hail marys and notes in this type of context generally dont do much to move the needle. i cant actually recall a time on this board that ive seen it "work", in terms of leading back to a relationship.

that isn't to say it cant, or wont, or never does. 65% of relationships in general dont end at the first breakup. the breakup is still fairly fresh...it hasnt been months, or anything like that. its possible, and i dont say that to give you false hope.

i think that she is likely to not respond to the note, initially. i think what id be realistically hoping to accomplish is that it thaws the ice and opens the door for her to reach out in the future.

could it go better than that? it could. it could also go worse. she could lash out.

i think that if you can write the sort of note that Goodpal is talking about, and feel good about it, it is probably worth doing, and its not super likely that its going to damage any chances there may be, though there is a risk.

I'm just unsure of how light I should keep it. I don't want to make it so basic that it makes her angry or something. I don't want to go too heavy either, as you put it. It's tragic, writing a letter to her would have been so easy before. I knew her so well. Now it's so incredibly difficult.


It's just hard to believe this is the same person I spent 6 years in love with and got to know better than myself. Logically, you are right - being blocked, her not liking the flowers I sent and being unaffected when I showed up - all of this means the relationship is dead. But my mind can't comprehend it. This person could barely function without me, the thought of breaking up made her physically ill just days before she broke up with me. She couldn't even be outside for long without calling me out of social anxiety. Not saying any of these are good, so much dependency is unhealthy but all of these things are in my mind, they make it difficult to believe that she would truly cut me off completely. Thinking back on it, she could maybe have been grieving the relationship during the periods she was withdrawing from me. Maybe that got her used to it and when she finally didn't feel anything, she dumped me.


Yeah I don't expect much. Honestly it's probably more likely that she'll throw it away without even opening it. I just want to reassure her that the way to me is still open in case she thinks I hate her now and that she should punish herself by not contacting me or something even worse. I am so used to always checking up on her, I'm getting very stressed out. I don't know if she's ok, or if she's even alive still ... It's a very dark thought I try to ignore, but it's eating me from inside.

I think I will tackle the letter part by part because I'm so unsure of how and what to write. I don't know if I should mention my suffering a bit or if at all, should I describe how I'm trying to keep going or not, should I briefly talk about  stuff that has happened to me since then? Or should I just focus completely on her? Tell her about my feelings a bit or no? It's a lot to think through.

Thank you again for replying.

The note may be your attempt to repair the relationship, but for you it may also give you a sense of closure.  Of course you don't want it to end but you're having to face the facts.

You are unlikely to get "closure" from a person with BPD traits.  So instead, can you Gift yourself the Closure?

It would be a closure of sorts, if even a heartfelt letter on our anniversary doesn't affect her enough to thaw the ice.

this is a hard "no", for more reasons than i can count.

it will feel like pressure. it may feel manipulative. it will feel like an emotional burden. it will feel like its about you. it may feel like blame. it may feel invalidating in terms of how she feels she might have suffered. shes not in any position to hear about or validate your suffering - no ex is - and for someone with bpd, with their own emotional limitations, even less so.

and just in terms of cold hard psychology, it sticks your neck on the line to get stomped on. you shouldnt, and dont need, to do that.

the kind of note Goodpal is talking about is more like a few sentences:


he reduced it to one.

im not suggesting you leave her a one sentence note, that would just be kind of weird, but the more you distill and reduce it to that central point, and no more than that, the more likely it is to be heard, and, whatever she does with it, the safer it is to send (its possible that anything you send could cause her to lash out at you; thats a built in risk, but it doesnt have to be a "danger"). i think that as an exercise, i would try to limit it to no more than 5 sentences. the message you want to send does not require more.

its why it might be helpful to think of it more as a "note" than a "letter". a letter, in a situation like this, is a lengthy plea from the heart for someone to return to us, cloaked in careful and deliberate wording, and usually, between the lines, comes off as self serving.


this is valid. its worth doing, if you decide to. it doesnt stick your neck on the line. but its a note, not a letter. its one sentence, and it says it all.

if you think about it, you actually know exactly what you want to say, because you just did it in one sentence. it just isnt all you want to say. the more you are able to separate those two things (i know, easier said than done), the clearer it will be.

as another exercise, picture yourself ten years from now, assuming that things do not work out. picture yourself far removed from the urgency, the pain, all the things you want so badly to say now, all of it. you will not regret having said the equivalent of "im here if you want to talk". more than that, youd probably wish youd taken out.


i missed the part about the flowers - that should give some pause on a followup - but specifically, what im saying is that it means youre contacting someone who expressly doesnt want contact (blocked you), who has been told how you feel, and doing so again just plainly carries a low success rate. can it work? it can, even with someone who has blocked you. but there are no such things as magic words, and the far most important ingredients are 1. your own peace of mind 2. your own confidence in what youre sending and 3. keeping it simple and target free. that recipe carries the greatest likelihood of success, and limits potential fallout or damage if it doesnt.


i can really understand this, its one of the hardest parts. my own relationship was half the length of yours, but i couldnt fathom how she could even do so much as take a bath, because i frequently started her bath water, she liked the temperature id get it to. for someone to be so dependent on and obsessed with you, where does it all go? you would think it would drive them nuts.

there are lots of possible explanations, some more to do with bpd specifically, some just human nature.

1. dependency and obsession arent love. they are a bond, of sorts, but not one that necessarily runs particularly deep. please dont mistake that as me telling you she didnt love you, im not saying that at all. but to give you an example, i likely have adhd, and im very prone to whats called "limerence" - that is to say, several times in my life, i have found myself completely, madly, and endlessly obsessed with a woman to the point that it upends my entire life for weeks or months - people i barely knew, and logically understood i didnt truly feel this way toward - but the feeling persisted, and i couldnt logically make it go away. and then something breaks the spell, and i cant even put myself in those same shoes or even make sense of it, and even knowing that doesnt prevent it from happening again.

again, im not saying, at all, that she didnt love you, im using that as an example that that aspect of her love may have been more shallow and need based, whereas for you, it (taking care of her) was probably a huge part of the attachment.

2. compartmentalization. we all compartmentalize. there are, at any given time, horrors going on around the world that would terrify us if we had close proximity to them, or allowed ourselves to think about constantly. we couldnt cope with life without, to some extent, tuning that out. people with bpd are survivors, and the ability to compartmentalize tends to be a finely tuned one that helps them to paper over grief and the reality of it, and, unfortunately, also keeps them from learning lessons from it.

3. the person doing the breaking up has always grieved the relationship to some extent (even ones that get back together). they have felt the loss. they have begun to build a new life that doesnt involve, or even rebels against, that attachment. the person on the receiving end tends to be on a completely different page. they often feel blindsided. they have to deal with the rejection, the blow to their self esteem and confidence that the other person doesnt, all while carrying the feelings they still have. they then have to piece it all together, try to make sense of what they missed and what went wrong. it is a completely different process, and completely different page to be on.

4. for that reason, among others, the more a relationship is heading toward a breakup, the more both parties tend to be on very different pages, and having very different experiences that we arent necessarily privy to. one or both parties tends to start to act more in self preservation than with consideration for their partner or the relationship.

5. that can be even more the case for someone with bpd, who experience all the things we do, but to far greater extremes, and wilder swings. thats, in part, why members (including me) often report that our partner had just been sharing their enthusiastic love a day or a week before the breakup, or that we felt like the relationship was on a major upswing. because the person doing the breaking up, often times, goes through a process of doubt, second guesses, reinvesting/giving things another chance, and a lot of that flies under the radar to the person on the receiving end. sometimes the signs are there in hindsight, but a lot of this is not even necessarily a very conscious thing for the person doing the breaking up. with bpd, you would tend to see more wild swings between the desire to breakup, the fear of the reality of that, and returning to emphatically clinging to the relationship, which would make things all the more confusing for the person on the receiving end. i know in my case, i never even considered the possibility that my ex was even psychologically capable of breaking up with me. it absolutely blew my mind.

i imagine that none of that is terribly helpful, but may shed light and make sense of things that are so very difficult to process. in very simple terms, she had a head start.

Hi Once Removed, your advice is always so incredible. When I posted my own story (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358884.msg13218258#msg13218258 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358884.msg13218258#msg13218258)) you shared that your breakup was similar to mine in its causes and aftermath. I also relate so much to hex_dzh, and the more he writes the more uncannily familiar it all sounds, though it's been much longer since my breakup, around 2.5 years now. Something I don't think you ever said when you first responded to me was whether you ever spoke to your ex again. I know you didn't get back together after the big rupture, but did you ever speak again? Did she ever reach out? Was there ever the tiniest crack in the door to reconcile even if you two didn't take it? Did you ex move on quickly and find a new partner, or remain single but steadfastly opposed to contact with you? Speaking personally, and it seems like OP is in a similar situation, just the opportunity to talk again feels so important. The idea of never speaking again feels unfathomable. There was a thread on this board recently about somebody whose ex resurfaced after 3 years of no contact. That story gives me hope. I'm curious to hear more about your story.

That was a big mistake on my part. Only around two weeks after she broke up with me I sent her her favourite flowers and a small little note. Then 2 more weeks after that I decided to go and visit her. If only I knew of this forum before that, I would've asked for advice here and not fumbled it like that. But it is what it is, can't change the past. I thought "proving" my undying love so soon would help, because in past arguments/fights/splits that used to work well, but instead I probably overwhelmed her completely. Now I'm trying to do what's best, that's why I'm so nervous about this note/letter. I want to validate her feelings, apologise about what she thinks I did to wrong her (even though I only have a very vague idea of that), reassure her and show her I still love her just as much as before and that I'm worried about her well being.

I so wish that she would at least unblock me on 1 messaging app and keep contact, even if minimal, so I'd at least know that she's physically ok.


On the contrary, it's very helpful. Thank you for writing this. Even as I read and understand these points - my mind is having such a tough time to process them. I can't believe this is the same person I held in my arms not long ago while she was crying and making me promise to always be together and never abandon her. Such memories keep getting in the way all the time. Some from just before the break up. That's why I appreciate all of the advice and opinions I'm getting here.

Hello friend, I'm in no position to give advice so I only want to wish you peace and love and that your ex gets back in contact with you like you want. I know the pain you feel and I can only hope that it doesn't last so long for me.

I recalled something today. A while ago, maybe a year or so, she sent me a video explaining BPD in a cartoony way. I don't know if links are allowed so I'll just say that the title of the vid was "Borderline Personality Disorder" by Ofir Sasson. Towards the end, it shows how someone with BPD can discard their FP partner. That part brought her to tears, like full on crying. She was so scared that it could happen to us. I reassured her then and as I did it, I was so confident that we would never break up. We had built something so strong, lived through so much and never separated - surely it can't happen to us. And here I am now, without her.

This shows that she was self aware of BPD, its symptoms and dangers. I am hopeful that this is a good sign.

i dont know that it was a mistake, necessarily, but i think it suggests that leaving another note might be one. it tells you that youve already done this (she knows how you feel), wasnt receptive, and if youre blocked, still isnt. it suggests that the probability of success is very low, and a high potential of making things worse, and at least the possibility of a backlash.

how long ago was it that you left that note?


this could always happen, though if she did, it would be a mistake to pounce on it and contact her first (a mistake lots of people make).

but, something like that could be the sort of "ice thawing" that one might hope for. do you think another note would increase or decrease the potential of it happening?

Roughly 2 weeks after the break up I sent her flowers and a small note. Not a letter or anything, just one of those cards that come with flowers - enough space for a few words. I think it was a mistake, because it was so soon after the break up. She was definitely still in the most furious stage, if that's a thing. If I could go back in time to just after the break up, I would keep away from contacting her totally until the anniversary and pull all the possible moves only then I think.


Yes, if such a thing were to happen - I would definitely be careful not to dive in too fast. Wait for her lead, be there for reassurance and if she reciprocates then we can start reconciling and slowly healing. But I don't know how likely it is for this to happen.

The small letter I am planning is supposed to only help with the bad feelings she may be having that are so common with BPD (guilt, shame, need to punish herself, feeling that I hate her now etc). How likely is it to increase the potential of "thawing the ice" I don't know, but the potential of causing damage instead I think is very, very low if at all.

I don't know how to edit my previous post, so I will add to it with a new reply.

I do think the upcoming date of the anniversary will affect her. How much and in what way I don't know, but that is the one date in which we always visit each other, celebrate, create memories. We have so many from our last anniversary, surely some memories will resurface even if against her will. I think those may hit her hard when that date approaches. Especially since by that time, I think enough time would have passed for her to at least cool down a bit. But this is assuming that she hasn't completely and totally painted me black and discarded me forever. Her being self aware of BPD and how it works, and also being scared of exactly this happening may help against this total discard but I really don't know. This is all new to me.

you may be right.

i do think that i would separate any note from the anniversary itself, as in, if youre going to leave it, i would do so either before, or after the anniversary, not make it part of the gesture. doing so is likely to leave a bad taste.

if anything, id lean toward doing it a bit after. let it affect her, however it might affect her. let her clear the cobwebs when and if it does. then "hey, my door is still open if you ever wanta knock", after shes been thinking about it of her own accord. 

you would be surprised as to how far giving that time to thaw the ice can go, or what developments - like the possibility of her being the one to reach out (which would go a lot better for you) - can happen.

i know youre worried about too much time passing, or the possibility of her getting into another relationship. some of that is probably anxiety pushing you to act, and some of it is valid - obviously, if theres a chance, you want to take it, you dont want to wait forever and miss it - but im here to tell you, it generally doesnt work that way. if she were to get into a new relationship tomorrow, or in two weeks, or three, then your relationship was already dead, and there was almost certainly no chance of resurrecting it. its not going to happen because you didnt leave another note. on the flip side, if she were to prematurely get into a relationship while she still has feelings for you, then its very unlikely to pose a threat to your chances, heck, it could even help them, ultimately.

I was thinking of sending the letter just slightly earlier than the 31st of March so that she receives it a few days before the anniversary, not exactly on it. Sending it afterwards may seem like I only did it because I was waiting for her to contact me first and when she didn't - I then decided to do something. Sending it exactly on the anniversary may seem manipulative and put pressure on her? I'm not exactly sure about the timing yet. You make a good argument as well.


I'm trying to push these thoughts away and think clearly about what has the best chances of helping the situation. From what I know, there's no one in her life that she could jump to. Though if I find out that she did, there's no going back for me. The "magic" would be broken for me and I will not go back to her even if she at some point tried to reconcile with me. May seem harsh, but that's one thing I can not overlook. I try not to let this affect my actions. As I said, I made mistakes before by chasing desperately so soon after the break up. I want to do it correctly this time. I still don't know how, what and when though.

I think I will write 2 versions of the letter and show both here. One a bit heavier and one more neutral. I think if the letter is too basic/neutral - it will have the opposite effect of what I want. I don't want it to look like the letter could have been written by chatgpt haha.

If I can go back to one of your earlier posts...

On the day my spouse and I separated - when the police arrived and asked her to step outside - she had just blocked my email address.  I know because she did it on our shared computer.  Our son was three years old.  To this day I suspect it is still blocked, over 19 years later.  I just checked my email and don't see any emails from her since September 2005.

We did have to contact each other for required parental info sharing, so we limped along with texts and phone calls.

Back to your concern whether she's physically ok, she's an adult and, in addition, as an ex (status at this point) she is doubly not your responsibility.  I know this doesn't emotionally equate with your concern but that is the reality.  Sorry.  We all empathize with you.

I completely agree.  In my case, my ex would reach out seemingly out of nowhere, and ask the most nonsensible things- like if I remembered where we bought her favorite coffee.  We both knew the answer.  Then we'd chit-chat for a few minutes like everything was normal, and my ex would suddenly have to run.

In essence, she was seeing if the ice had thawed...or maybe she just wanted to hear my voice.  Who knows.  But there were many opportunities to resume conversations.

Waiting it out with radio silence is the best course of action for two reasons.  #1, it's the path that allows you to heal the most and #2, it doesn't push her away.

This is going to sound complicated, but BPD's like to be chased.  Only, after a discard, they take being chased as a bad thing and it pushes them away.  So any action by you can be seen as a big positive or a big negative...and all of us would be guessing to figure out what her mood will be in that exact moment.  That's why letting her come to you is the safest path here.

In a normal, healthy relationship, we'd give the opposite advice and tell you to make a grand gesture like in the movies.  BPD changes everything though.

Hi Pook075, thanks for your perspective. How long after the “final” discard did your ex wait to circle back, and what were some of the longest periods of radio silence where you had to wait? And were things so acrimonious that you were ever blocked after the breakup?

I know you're right, logically this is completely correct. But my mind is still in "caretaker" mode if that makes sense. I'm very worried.

I realise that now, but I wish I knew this before I made the mistake of chasing too soon. If only I knew of this forum, things might have been completely different who knows.

I'm very torn. I want to send this letter at the end of the month, just in case she's not as furious at me and there's a chance of a positive outcome happening after I reassure and validate her feelings through it. But all this advice telling me to give it more time, to wait is making me think otherwise. But then again, it's a very special date coming up and it may thaw the ice enough and then it's possible that me not reaching out at that point could only solidify her feelings. I really don't know what to do.

Perfect scenario would be for her to reach out first, before the anniversary. But I'm not even gonna hold that thought in my head, I feel like it's completely impossible.

So I was thinking about how to time the letter, if I fully decide to send it. I came up with the following pros and cons for each timing. I may be missing stuff so feel free to add to this.

A week (max) before the anniversary:

+ Prepares her emotionally for the upcoming date instead of blindsiding her on the exact day.
+ Gives her time to process my words without the pressure of the anniversary itself.
+ If she’s already starting to think about me because of the anniversary and feeling shame or guilt or any other bad feeling, this could soften those feelings before the date arrives.

- She might push the feelings aside before the anniversary actually hits, reducing the impact of the letter.
- If she’s still in a strong avoidance phase and the upcoming anniversary triggers more bad feelings, she may ignore it completely without reading it.
- Me trying to contact her (chasing) could also ruin the potential positive emotional impact of the anniversary.

Exactly on the anniversary:

+ The emotional impact is at its peak—this is when she’ll feel the weight of the date the most. She could very well be expecting something from me on that date to show her that I still care and want her back.
+ Forces her to confront her feelings about the breakup at a moment when she’s likely already reflecting.
+ Higher chance of nostalgia kicking in, making my words feel more significant.

- If she’s feeling very guilty, she might react defensively instead of openly.
- Could be overwhelming and infuriating if she’s actively trying to avoid thinking about me.
- If she expects contact from me on this date and is mentally preparing to reject it, it could make it easier to dismiss the letter completely and not read it.

A few days after the anniversary:

+ If she felt emotional on the anniversary, she might be starting to miss me but be hesitant to reach out (the guilt and shame can play a role here, as I said I can easily imagine her use me as punishment towards herself). This would also feel more natural.
+ Since the date of our anniversary would have passed by now, she won’t expect it, making it more likely that she reads it with an open mind.
+ If she felt disappointed that I didn’t reach out or try anything on the anniversary, this could be a relief.
+ Lessens the risk of immediate defensiveness, since she could have already processed some of her emotions.

- The emotional peak might have passed, meaning she could be moving on from the intensity of that day. But if the letter doesn't arrive too late, the emotional peak could still be there.
- If she took my silence on the anniversary as a “sign” to move forward, this could disrupt that and backfire.
- It could also look as if I was waiting for her to do something first and only decided to send her the letter because she didn't. She may think that it's just half hearted and haphazard.

So far this is the only pros and cons I can think of. Sending it just after the anniversary might be a better idea, even though it could still backfire. At the very least, it would feel less emotionally manipulative. 

It was usually 2-4 weeks after I stopped trying to reach out.  She'd either call and ask something completely random, or she'd show up in need of something random from the house.  This happened dozens of times.

I was never blocked on text, but she told me that if I didn't stop texting her, she'd get a new phone number.  So I stopped and only texted for things financial or our kids.  Even then, I'd space it out as much as possible.

My ex did come back twice, once at around 7 weeks and again around 12 weeks.  Both times she left after a few days since she almost instantly became dysregulated.  Both times, things were good when she left for work, and when she returned she was ready to leave again.  I didn't realize though that she was pursuing her boss at work...it had nothing to do with me.

You must realize that you're trying to second guess disordered thinking.  Her opinion of you might change 10x per day, depending on her mood and where her focus is at.  She's not going through the same process as you looking at everything objectively and arriving at logical conclusions.  Instead, her thoughts are bouncing around and making incorrect assumptions, which lead her spiraling in many different directions.

Part of her loves you, and part blames you for everything.  Part of her realizes that she's broken and she hates feeling that way, and the most hurt she's been recently was the breakup.  So anything that reminds her of going through that is avoided...which means you.  Seeing you, talking to you, reminds her of how much she failed and how she felt.

Is that fair?  Nope.  Not one bit.  That brings us back to the three points though; she's sick, this is not your fault, and she's the only one that can choose a different path.

If you have to send the letter, then don't second-guess yourself.  Don't mention the anniversary.  For you, it's good memories.  For her, it could be 100% about what she lost...the good memory is now painful.  We can't second-guess how it will be perceived so it's  better to avoid it.

Three points you need to get across:

1) I'm sorry for everything, I never meant to hurt you.
2) I forgive you. I now understand that you were hurting and did your best.
3) I miss talking to you and hope we can someday be friends again.

It will be tempting to say, "Remember that day when we went to..."  Be ultra careful since those good memories might not be good anymore.  It's possible they've been re-written.  It is so much better to let her remember those moments on her own.

It will be tempting to try to explain things; "When we argued about x, I just meant that I really wanted to..."  This is helping her remember the worst parts of the relationship and will likely push her away.  It's counter-productive and a HUGE no-no.

It will be tempting to say you want to get back together, or at least set a time to talk or go on a date.  That's going to put a lot of pressure on her though and it will likely backfire.  Relationships start with friendships.  Friendships start with trust.  Trust starts with basic conversations.  The goal here is not to hit a homerun...it's to bat a single and have a very basic, no-pressure conversation. 

Once these conversations happen in a no-pressure, no-expectations kind of way, things can progress quickly.  But she has to set the pace and feel comfortable every step of the way.

Finally, it might be tempting to bring up a few things about your life today.  That's acceptable, you can talk about you and what's going on.  That makes her feel included- I got back in the gym, mom finally got a new car, my sister went to college, whatever.  This isn't relationship stuff though, this is friendship stuff.

I hope that helps!

It's really difficult to digest this. It just feels so set in stone, as if there's not even a single chance that she'll soften up a bit about me. I think the more time passes, the less hope I have, because with each day it's another record broken of us being apart for so long. As I said before, the longest was just a few hours. Never a full day without some kind of contact. It's really starting to affect my thinking unfortunately. I keep reading other people's experiences with BPD partners breaking up with them, and that only worsens it. It feels futile to hope even for some basic communication with her again. I literally can't imagine her opinion changing on me.


I have started carefully writing 2 version of it. I feel like I have to do something before too much time passes and it's difficult to stifle this feeling. I'm trying my best to absorb the advice I've been given here and not just send a letter because my brain is screaming at me to do it. Thank you again. Also, apologies that this thread got so big - I keep replying and seeking advice, because I feel so inexperienced and unsure.

I've written the firs draft of the letter. It's longer than I expected, but I tried my best to strike a balance between it being too heavy and too neutral. I probably failed at that though. I would really appreciate your opinions on how I can improve it! Also, keep in mind I first wrote it in my native language of bulgarian then translated it into english with deepl - fixing some errors afterwards. Some things may sound weird. Here it is:

Dear ____,
I hope this letter reaches you and finds you in good health, physically and mentally. I have never sent letters, it is my first time and I don't even know if you will receive it. Apologies if my handwriting is very ugly. It's been a long time since our last contact, I think of you often and wonder how you are. I really wanted to send you this letter to say a few things which because of my extreme emotions I couldn't express properly before.

I really hope you are well and taking care of yourself. You know how extremely important your health and well being is to me. But more than anything, I hope you’re at peace. I am sincerely sorry for anything I have done to offend, hurt or threaten you in any way. That was never my intention. I know I made mistakes for which I am extremely sorry. I know we both faced struggles, and I regret not understanding yours better. I don't know what your thoughts are right now, but I don't want you to blame yourself in any way. I understand that you've been hurting too and you've been under a lot of stress that I didn't know about. I know you did your best. If it matters even a little, I forgive you. I don't want you to torture yourself mentally over this.

Ever since I got home from [city], I've been trying to get on with my life. I managed to pass all my exams and will soon start the next semester in the new specialty I told you about once. It turned out to be in English which will help me a lot. I decided to start going to the gym again and signed up with my cousin. It still feels weird working out again but I'm getting used to it. I also continued my driving lessons. I plan to finish them as soon as possible before I start uni again and buy a car with help from my parents.

When things are tough, the plushie hello kitty toy you gave me last summer helps. It brings me peace of mind when I need it. Thank you for gifting it to me. You jokingly made me promise to take good care of it and I intend to keep that promise. Someday, I will also have the strength to look at the other items like our journal, the seashells you gave me, etc but it will take time. All these things hold a very special place in my heart. I'm trying to get therapy soon too, but it's hard even here in Germany.

I miss you ____. I miss talking to you, I miss your presence. All our memories, special moments, promises and words are constantly wandering around in my mind. I hope one day we can talk again. That would make me truly happy.

With warmth and care
always yours,
_____

I tried to focus on the important bits everyone advised me to and I brought up a few special items. I tried to keep the nostalgia and love stuff to a minimum though. Hope it's not too terrible.

And now, a shorter and more neutral version:

Dear ____,
I hope this letter reaches you and finds you in good health, physically and mentally. I have never sent letters, it is my first time and I don't even know if you will receive it. Apologies if my handwriting is very ugly. It's been a long time since our last contact, I think of you often and wonder how you are. I really wanted to send you this letter to say a few things which because of my extreme emotions I couldn't express properly before.

I really hope you are well and taking care of yourself. You know how extremely important your health and well being is to me. But more than anything, I hope you’re at peace. I am sincerely sorry for anything I have done to offend, hurt or threaten you in any way. That was never my intention. I know I made mistakes for which I am extremely sorry. I know we both faced struggles, and I regret not understanding yours better. I know you did your best.
 
Ever since I got home from [city], I've been trying to get on with my life. I managed to pass all my exams and will soon start the next semester in the new specialty I told you about once. It turned out to be in English which will help me a lot. I decided to start going to the gym again and signed up with my cousin. It still feels weird working out again but I'm getting used to it. I also continued my driving lessons. I plan to finish them as soon as possible before I start uni again and buy a car with help from my parents. I'm trying to get therapy soon too, but it's hard even here in Germany.

I miss you ____. I miss talking to you, I miss your presence. If you ever want to talk - I'll be here. That would make me truly happy.

With warmth and care,
_____

For this one I completely removed any mentions of her feeling guilt or forgiving her, which could potentially be triggers. I cut out any nostalgic or romantic triggers as well.

Again, you're thinking about this logically, she's thinking about this emotionally.  Your logic remains fairly sound and unwavering...the parts you struggle with is what to do with all of it (and there aren't any clear answers).  Her emotional thinking tells her to reach out to you, to stay far away from you, she loves you, she hates you, etc.  This happens in minutes, hours, etc...it's like a song playlist on loop in her mind.  And she's probably doing everything she can to stop thinking about it all the time; that's why I've said that this ultimately is not about you.


For me, I did find myself regressing at times shortly after my break-up when I'd share my story and see how closely it resembled others here.  And even today, almost three years later, some stories here will "hurt me" a bit because they ring so true.  Yours was one of them and that pain is real.  It's so unfair...but that's not where you have to remain.

Back at the beginning of all of this, some folks here gave you advice to move on, to find yourself again and get back to old (or new) activities that make you feel more you.  She's not in your life so you have no choice but to move on.  If you reconcile, then great, but that's not the actual goal here...the real goal is for you to process this grief and heal from it.  That way you're in a better place regardless and ready for love again.  We all want that for you because we remember how badly we wanted it for ourselves.  And most of us got there in time.



Don't apologize and keep in mind that long threads are a good thing, they're what people will find here years from now looking for nuggets to get through their own relationship struggles.  So keep asking the hard questions- or just vent on a bad day.  It's perfectly normal and your journey will help others someday.  That's why myself and many others still post here, we're paying it forward because we've been there and know what it feels like.

I'll check out your letter now and give you as much feedback as I can.

It's a good letter and does well to avoid any triggers.  The very last line, "that would make me happy" might be a little much...but I think it's probably okay.

The writer in me doesn't like that you said "extreme" in the last sentence of the first paragraph and "extremely" in the first sentence of the second paragraph.  Change one of those words so it doesn't feel too dramatic back to back.  In fact, you might want to change that first sentence in the 2nd paragraph anyway.  You start it with "You know...."  She doesn't know for a fact though since she's struggling.  It would be better to make that sentence less intense by saying, "I still genuinely care about your health and wellbeing."

That's all that jumped out.  Good job! 

Without giving an opinion on whether you should send a letter or not, I think being as neutral as possible would be best. If I received a letter with any type of emotion in it after a difficult break-up and a long time of distance, it would feel like pressure to me, and that would be even more so for someone with BPD. See below as a suggestion of how you could refine to make even more neutral but still getting your message across.

Dear ____,
I hope this letter reaches you and finds you in good health. It's been a long time since our last contact, I think of you often and wonder how you are. I wanted to send you this letter to say a few things which I wasn't able to express properly before.

I really hope you have been well and taking care of yourself. But more than anything, I hope you’re at peace. I am so sorry for anything I have done to offend, hurt or threaten you in any way. That was never my intention. I know I made mistakes and I am sorry that you were hurt as a result of those mistakes. I know we both faced struggles, but I regret not understanding yours better. I know you did your best.
 
Ever since I got home from [city], I've been trying to get on with my life. I managed to pass all my exams and will soon start the next semester in the new specialty I told you about once. It turned out to be in English which will help me a lot. I decided to start going to the gym again and signed up with my cousin. It still feels weird working out again but I'm getting used to it. I also continued my driving lessons. I plan to finish them as soon as possible before I start uni again and buy a car with help from my parents.

I miss you ____. If you ever want to talk - I would like that.

With warmth and care,

-----cross posted with seekingtheway

nice touch.

with the tone you used, it doesnt feel too long. it reads a little like a letter from a pen pal, but at the same time, you can feel how personal, it is, and the affection behind it. a very good balance between the appropriate distance and understated intimacy. it may not say every last word you want to say, but it says it all, and it says it the way i think you want to say it.

she has probably been wondering what youve been up to herself. dropping it in there the way you did, without telling her too much detail is a nice touch. "i think of you often and wonder how you are" is a nice line - simple, sweet, and it isnt heavy language. youd say the same words to a friend, but she knows what it means. succinct and touching. confident, yet understated.

i agree with Pook about those two particular choices of words. i know this is a translation, but "extreme emotions" is heavy language, and isnt necessary to the letter. in general, keep your feelings and your process close to your vest; at the very least, it allows for some mystery. "that would make me truly happy" is cute and id be tempted to leave it for that reason, but it could feel obligatory, and also isnt necessary. maybe, if anything, something simple like "id love to hear from you". i get that you may not want to just end it with "ill be here".

id shorten that last line a bit too, to keep the point, but dial back some heaviness.


heres are some edits id propose:


that second paragraph, where i scratched most of it out? maybe talk about her and what shes up to. you hope the dog or cat (or parent, or family member; whatever) is okay, you were thinking of the funny time they did ______ and it made you think of whatever theyre up to now, if rover ever learned to roll over. that sort of thing.

Thank you all for your suggestions, I really appreciate how much help I'm being given here. I used @once removed's version and some parts of @seekingtheway's text. Also changed some wording according to what @Pook075 suggested and this is what it looks like now:


The only things I'm unsure about are bringing some memories/past stuff up in the 2nd paragraph. I did my best to not pick anything that could potentially trigger her. The ending I decided to keep a bit warmer/heavier. If she reads it and it thaws the ice a bit, I want her to be confident that I'd be happy to be back in contact with her. I don't want her to be hesitant.

I'm also unsure about totally removing any apologies on my part. I think she puts a lot of blame on me, so validating those feelings is important I think. I just don't know how exactly to do it. You were right that not being able to address things properly to apologise make the apologies seem insincere and/or patronising, but it's difficult to do it, because I've basically been blamed for absolutely everything.

My heart and mind are still screaming at me to include heavier stuff, to delve into past special moments, but I know it's for the best to keep it more neutral and friendly. Translating it back into my own language will be a bit difficult, but I'll manage. This isn't the final version ofc, I'd still appreciate any more suggestions. Thank you all again.

It's difficult to imagine her feeling anything besides coldness and hatred towards me, but you're right. It's just my mind getting in the way again.


Honestly I feel like I'm regressing with each day. I'm trying to push on, do the things I have to. But I'm constantly being reminded of her by even the smallest things. For example, today was sunny? Then my mind recalls how every time when the weather was nice, I'd pick up my photography gear to go on a photo walk and we'd talk on the phone for the whole time. I'd be showing her what I'm photographing, the scenery around me etc. Every day is riddled with such moments. It's like the pain hasn't subsided at all.

I know that any other "normal person" in my place would grieve the relationship and work on moving on, seeing people again etc. Hell, they might even be angry and hold a grudge due to the level of disrespect (unintentionally) shown to them and the relationship. But the codependency and the incredibly strong, intimate bond we formed is stopping me from even thinking about such things. I'm not gonna lie to myself or the people in this forum, my mind is still in "do everything in your power to get her back at some point" mode.

I guess with time it will change, if this truly is the end of our relationship. "Unfair" describes it very well. We had built something amazing that worked so well, for so long. It held strong when things outside of our control were really pressuring us. Despite the struggles sometimes, I was so proud of our relationship. Tragic that this is how it could end. Not even on speaking terms, just a cold discard and hatred towards me. Just recently I would not be able to even imagine such a thing happening.

Thank you for the kind words again. I can only hope that one day this thread helps someone else in my shoes. I keep repeating it, but yall have been so helpful I really appreciate it.

i would work some more at that paragraph. the line about wondering what shes up to loses its touch with the added words - instead of sounding like "i think of you", it sounds heavier - like "i am constantly thinking about you".

adding "i still genuinely care about your well being" sounds patronizing. the whole letter already communicates that. the word "genuinely", if you have to say it, calls it all into question.

talking about her pretty nails might be off putting in this context.

these things all turn what is a warm, but appropriately distant letter with some mystery, into a romantic letter and bid to get her back. they are pressure.


you dont think shed get that idea from a letter that goes out of the way to communicate with her, and says that you would like to hear from her?

"that would make me truly happy" sounds obligatory - "please contact me, it would make me happy". its the sort of pressure you want to avoid. "i would like that" is neutral and professional sounding, and still gets the point across. subtlety is your friend here.


the problem is, in this case, apologies, unless done right, step on the message youre trying to send.

apologies should be specific, or not at all.

and they are really two different kinds of letters: an apology letter (where that would be the primary focus, and much more specific) vs a warm reach out. throwing in apologies into a warm reach out clogs up that warmth with bad memories. its also risky territory if you dont get them "right".

trying to make the letter both things is essentially trying to say too much at once. apologies would be far more effective after she (hopefully) responds positively to your warm letter. theyre a good next step.

also, if youre not clear on what you specifically want to apologize for, its a good sign to set it aside.


you are in the very difficult position of grieving the relationship and your memories, while still maintaining hope. it is very hard, emotionally, to do both. it is a place very similar to what i was in when i came here. everything i did, ostensibly for myself, felt like it all revolved around her and the prospect of her coming back. i tried to keep my head down and keep chugging along, but its hard to do that when you feel a profound absence all the time. and its hard to be hopeful when youve emotionally had your ass kicked and your confidence is in tatters. all you want is for the pain to go away, and it makes all those things feel empty and ineffective, which drains hope. its a very challenging path.

if you were to give up hope, and determine to move on (im not telling you to do that), it would get even worse, but then it would begin to get better. or, if she came back tomorrow, youd feel better. in this position, youre oscillating from hope to hopelessness, because youre coming to terms with the end of the relationship, even while trying to reconcile it. and youre grieving the memories. its just an incredibly challenging thing to do. and to that i would say two things.

1. dont fear the grief, lean into it. it is good to consider the old relationship dead, to mourn it, and to grieve it. it psychologically puts you in a different place, one more prepared for a future iteration of the relationship.

2. from where we are sitting, 30000 ft up, nothing has significantly changed. time is not your enemy, it creates the space for the ice to thaw. while to you, it might feel like everything is slipping away (which, in part, is grief), things are taking their natural course. shes either going to be open to contact, or not. youre either going to get back together, or not. it may feel like 5 eternities, but its been a small amount of time, and your chances, whatever they are, have not lessened.

I'll address the 2nd part of your reply in a 2nd post.

Yes, this makes sense. I shouldn't try to do everything in one go. I edited the letter according to your suggestions and here it is now:


Does the ending still feel to pressuring? I could alternatively choose "If you ever want to talk, I'm always here" or "If you ever feel like reaching out, I'd be glad to hear from you". Also, I'm not sure if bringing up that I'll be seeking therapy is a good idea. Could it trigger some guilt? "Oh no this is what I did to him". I think I should remove that part.

I'm still wondering when to time the letter, to have the least amount of risk. I'm leaning on just slightly after the anniversary - not more than a day or two though we live 2.5k km apart so I can't predict exactly when the letter will reach her.

Yes, all of my thoughts revolve around some kind of reconciling and getting back together with her at some point in the not too distant future. The little hope I have in me is still strong. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it is what it is. I'd like to think I'm not completely delusional. If after this letter she doesn't get back into contact with me in a few weeks or a month, I think the last hope in me will die off and I will work hard on moving on. It's a very depressing thought, but at that point there would be nothing else for me to do. I'm hoping that at the very least, I won't have any regrets. I won't be wondering "what if I did XYZ to get her back? what if I didn't fight hard enough?" - I will know that I did all I could. Even now I'm confident that I gave my all for this relationship and to keep supporting and helping her (unfortunately, sometimes to my detriment).

I'm not avoiding my emotions and grief. It's just exhausting to feel like this all the time. I don't want to be too dramatic, but the more time passes - the more empty, depressed and devoid of any joy and happiness I feel. It's difficult to describe the impact this has had on me. So many things are affected, even things like eating certain foods remind me of her. Hobbies I liked to do, music I listened to, movies I was planning on watching. There's no escape from these thoughts, there's no momentary reprieve. I wish I could at least get some peace when sleeping, but even that is rare. Distant friends even are starting to notice that something isn't ok, even though I haven't told anyone besides my closest friends and I think I'm doing an ok job masking it. My mind is so preoccupied with her, our relationship and the break up. And it keeps flip flopping between being hopeful and hopeless. It doesn't help that I still can't convince myself that her opinions and actions aren't completely set in stone. Even though I know all these facts about BPD, it feels like this is how she will be forever. There's even an example of her discarding her ex-best friend and then missing this person a lot, after years passed.

I'll keep going, I don't want to sound suicidal or anything. I'm taking care of myself as best as I can. I'm just being honest with myself and yall. It definitely helps to know that I'm not alone and that so many here genuinely understand what I'm going through and have even been through it before.

I remember going through those same emotions and wondering if there was ever relief in sight.  There absolutely is, but it comes from your actions of moving on.  You can't wait for her since you have no control over that...the only thing left is to move on with your life.

Codependency is incredibly hard to break.  Again, I've been there.  And I hope you do eventually reconcile.  But the longer you pin your emotions on her, the longer you're going to remain in this agony.

Think about it; the last time you talked to her in person, you were overwhelmed.  That's because you're carrying so much internal pressure to be perfect for her, that you're forgetting to be somewhat decent for yourself.  You have to heal first to even be able to see a future relationship objectively; this has to be about you and you alone.

I'm not saying it can't/won't work out...so don't misinterpret this.

I'm saying that your mental health is the most important thing in the world for you.  The sooner you move on, the sooner you'll be able to have a real conversation with her in a balanced way if she ever does reach out.  You can't try to rush back into this half-broken and expect great results...you do know where the divides came from and you did see some of the red flags.  The only way you can reconcile is with eyes wide open.

Again, I understand completely, I really do.  Two months is a long time when you're hurting, but it's a really short time as well.  It will get better if you turn the focus to yourself, I promise.

no. "id be happy to hear from you" is not pressuring. "i would like that", has a certain professionalism and charm to it that appeals to me, but thats mostly nitpicking.


i think thats overthinking it. she is not going to think that. and so what if she does?

more likely, she will be intrigued.

psychologically speaking, when people see an ex out and about, and that ex is doing something different...something new...it makes them wonder. i always think of the episode of roseanne, where jackie and fred are getting divorced, and suddenly, fred starts taking up skiing, and jackie has a cow. first she wonders why he couldnt do all this fun stuff during the relationship. then she wants him back. then she makes a big scene and she accuses him of doing it to win her back. its a silly, and exaggerated (not that exaggerated; ive known people to actually behave that way) version of what we are all privy to when we see an ex behaving differently than we were accustomed to; on some level, we play that out in our heads when we see the other person appear to be moving on, and we question whether or not we want them to.

one thing that can be especially attractive to the person who did the breaking up is change. she doesnt want to return to the old relationship. you dont either. change creates mystery and possibility. the mind cannot help but fill in the gaps, and what we imagine tends to be at our own expense. i must have read 50,000 threads here (and other forums) asking "will my ex change and be better with the next person". people fear missing out. needless to say, it is also attractive because the person doing the breaking up would not have done so if they werent desiring a change.   

obviously, if youre blocked, its pretty difficult to display any kind of change, or otherwise attract her. and big, transparent "look how much ive changed" shows tend to backfire.

what you manage to accomplish in that line, is to sprinkle something in that will catch her attention, make her wonder, and signify change. and you do it subtly, and without pretense. in that paragraph, its as though you gave her plenty of information about you, and none at all at the same time. you sound like a guy whos got a lot going on, whos taking care of himself, not a guy sitting around with a broken heart missing her. all of those things are attractive. nothing wrong with being a guy with a broken heart missing her, mind you! it just wouldnt be attractive to show her that.

no, i would very much leave that line in. it dangles there very nicely.


the only concern id have with the timing is not letting it be tied too closely to the anniversary itself. it will feel like an "anniversary letter". i followed bad advice once my senior year of high school - somebody told me to leave a rose on an exs doorstep with a romantic note. she didnt mention it. when i did, she told me she didnt know what to say, that "its not every day your ex leaves something like that on your porch for valentines day". you dont want her to feel that way when she gets it. 

i favor more like a week after the anniversary, myself. i think thats when it would be psychologically the most effective and well received. at the risk of overthinking it myself, i think it loses some effect if you send it before. generally speaking, on the day of the anniversary, shes either going to think positively or negatively of you, or little to none at all. we dont know what she will feel or how strongly. we can reasonably assume "at least a little of one or the other".

if its badly, or not at all, it gives her time to get that out of her system and have it blow over, and you avoid the heaviness of directly associating the two. if its at all positively, then its like a perfectly timed 1-2 punch.

You're right, but as you said codependency is incredibly difficult to break. I'm doing all the right things to move on and focus on myself, but my mind and heart are still hoping to get back together with her. Trying to look from the outside in, two months isn't that long indeed - but I feel like she already got "used to" not having me around and that the more time passes, the more this solidifies her choice. But BPD is volatile so I have to keep reminding myself that I can't predict what she's going through right now or how she feels and what she wants to do.

I won't jump in too fast, IF she decides to get back together and I'll push for professional mental help as hard as I can without overwhelming her. I think if this (hypothetical now) relationship has any chances of surviving in the long term and thriving, professional help is a must. Maybe me seeking it will help convince her to follow through with her old promises. I don't know. There's a long and very difficult way until then, if she even decides to contact me again which I honestly don't think will happen, no matter how much I wish for it.

Honestly I'm overthinking everything and every word. I really want this letter to be as close to perfect as possible. I don't want to mess it up, because I don't think there will be anything else left to do if this doesn't thaw the ice. I know your advice (and everyone else's to be fair) is to focus on moving on, but in your opinion would there be anything else to do if this letter is ineffective? The long distance and me being blocked everywhere pretty much eliminates the possibility of her seeing me change etc. Unless she stalks my profiles, which are all public anyway and she can do that if she wants to. I just don't think she'd do that. It's very difficult to imagine her feeling anything else besides coldness, uncaring and some kind of hatred towards me.


Due to the distance, I doubt I'd be able to time the letter to arrive just 1 or 2 days after the anniversary. It's more likely that it will reach her a week or two later anyway so that's what I'll do. Hopefully it won't seem like an afterthought or something.

i understand. ive been there. it is a lot easier for us to judge because (as much as we are pulling for you) we arent emotionally involved. thats the benefit of a support group  :)


to be very clear, my advice is not "move on". this is the Bettering (and Reversing) board. so long as your goals are to reconnect, we will support you in that.

my comments about moving on were two fold:

1. just a simple illustration. if you gave up hope and decided you wanted to move on (a very personal decision only the person in it can make), you would be in a different process than you are today. i was just illustrating how difficult it is to be in the position youre in. its important to understand what all it entails.

2. it is a good idea to mentally let the old relationship die, to mourn it, and to grieve it, and to consider any future iteration of the relationship to be a "new relationship"; one with a very different plan.


in order to reconnect, you have to have a willing partner in that.

most of this all depends on her. if a person has moved on, there are no moves that can change that.

she has not responded favorably to previous efforts. it is possible that things have, or will change, and your letter could be a part of that. it is also possible that things will go the other way.

if she doesnt respond favorably, then the best thing you can do is respect that and give up the effort (you can still hold out hope if you choose). you could try another letter, you could send flowers once a week, you could show up at her house, you could recruit mutual friends to pressure her - obviously, all of those options would have disastrous results. if shes determined not to communicate, trying to communicate with her only makes things worse.

since you are blocked, there is already inherent risk in sending her any kind of communication. weighing the risk/reward, it seems worthwhile as a last ditch effort, and i think the way youve gone about it maximizes your chances. it is a last best chance. the rest is up to her.

And I meant the exact same thing.  The best chance of a future relationship working is for you to be mentally strong and prepared.  We can't change the past, and focusing on it too much becomes counter-productive.

If there's a big lesson there to learn, then learn it.  But at the same time, you must give yourself some grace and realize that you did the best you possibly could.

If you do get back together, it won't be picking up from where you left off.  It will be something completely new, where you both have more wisdom of what went wrong the last time.  What I meant was to move on from the old relationship since you can't go back.

I hope that helps.

Yeah I didn't mean "move on" as in give up trying, I know it's against the rules of this forum to do that. I really appreciate that I'm being helped here, not just told "forget her, work on yourself, find someone new" like everywhere else.

It's indeed all in her hands now. I've done all I could. Proven that I'm ready to do almost anything, proven that I love her a lot. Proven to myself that I've fought hard for the relationship. And hopefully this letter (if she even reads it) will prove that after all of this, I'm still here for her and ready to reconcile.

I just wish she hadn't completely blocked me everywhere, it's very cruel to be absolutely cut off so instantly. During this time, after receiving so much advice and opinions from so many places including individuals who have BPD themselves - I've realised how cruel she has been towards me and our relationship in general. I don't fully blame her for it or hold a grudge, it's just an observation. I've endured so much and hell I'm still ready to keep going, but it is what it is.

Anyway, I think the letter is pretty much finished like this? I will show it to several people with BPD, just to get their opinion on it as well but I trust yall.

i think so. i think its both good, and as good as it can be.


a hard part of all this is that an ex is in no position to help us heal.

when a relationship ends, it becomes about us, and for them, it becomes about them. there are no loyalties, no obligations. as a hopeless romantic, i dont like to say it, but it is manifestly true. we are left to pick up the pieces.

are her actions hurtful? absolutely. are they cruel, or are they a person acting according to their own narrative, and in self preservation?

i dont mean to belabor the point or step on your feelings, but i think its an important distinction when it comes to understanding the dynamic here. your labor of love isnt a currency and carries with it no guarantees. having said that, if her actions have caused you to question her character, her values, or her compatibility with you (the way my ex went about it certainly made me question those things)? weigh that before acting.

often times, a persons efforts to reconnect are often more about reversing the sense of rejection - more about making the pain go away than deep down wanting to get back together, or, said another way, it can be hard to tell the difference, because a person might reasonably feel that way regardless - so as a mental exercise, think long term, beyond the pain. you know that if you never speak to her again, the pain you feel now will eventually fade (and ideally, heal). (rhetorical question) knowing that, knowing all that you know, ask yourself if getting back together is truly what you want, why, and whether you have a clear vision of how (or if) things will be different.

I don't just mean the way she broke up with me and how she acted afterwards but the times leading up it especially. The emotional unavailability, lack of support when a family member of mine passed away and another got very sick, the unwillingness to seek professional mental help when I would have paid for it, the unwillingness in general to work on the 1-2 little problems in the relationship, the withdrawing from me, not spending much time. And while I understand splitting is against her will, it still hurt a lot to hear the words she used during splitting, the push and pull. The things I've endured in the last months leading up to this break up certainly took a toll on my mental health. In hindsight, I guess I should have seen that something bad was coming up. But I chalked it up to the usual BPD stuff and put in the work just like always to ensure nothing fatal happened. The good times interspersed made me think it's nothing out of the ordinary until she hit me with this out of nowhere.


I can admit that I'm exhausted and the thought of going through this again in the future scares me. I don't want to have to endure so much just to feel loved and appreciated. But I do truly and sincerely love her and I'm up for it as long as a discard like this doesn't happen again. When the BPD symptoms weren't getting in the way, things were truly great. And by "BPD symptoms" I don't just mean the "bad" parts like splitting etc but also the idealization and the "good" parts. When both of these extremes weren't showing up and things were "normal", relaxed and stable. I loved her personality, we fit together so well. We had the same outlooks on life, same wishes for a future life together. The closeness and intimacy. We could understand each other with just a look in each others eyes. I don't exaggerate when I say that our relationship was something like a goal for the couples around us. They always asked us for advice, which is now funny in a sad way in hindsight. She was such a kind person and when BPD didn't get in the way, was ready to put in the work for me, for us. Again, when the BPD wasn't interfering she was supportive of me and pushed me to do things I was hesitant about, but ended up really loving like photography and the hairstyle I now have. I could go on for hours and I still wouldn't be able to fully explain everything I was happy with. Despite the massive struggles sometimes, I genuinely grew and evolved as a person with her help and I thought she did too. And now, I'm alone and have 0 contact with her for the longest time ever. Yeah it's gonna be one of those nights again, feeling especially sad today unfortunately.

I'm thinking about the last question you asked and I think I'm not in the right headspace still to answer it in an unbiased way. Every atom in my being is yearning to be with her again. When I try to imagine my life in 3-5 years from now, when I've healed and ideally found a stable partner to be with - the thought of it just makes me sad. The life and future I want to build is with her. My dreams and wishes, OUR dreams, wishes and plans. I don't want them to just disappear into memory, I want us to succeed and fulfill them.

I don't think I'm fully lost in rose tinted memories, I know and realise the way she hurt me and the damage she caused to my mental health. And I know the idealization and unhealthily obsessive love she gave me also plays a role, as does the codependency and trauma bond we developed. I don't know. Maybe with more time my opinion and answer to this question will change.

you feel unappreciated? like she basically said "thanks for all your help" then kicked you to the curb?

Hah, not even a thanks before kicking me to the curb. More like "you ruined my life, nothing mattered and you are at fault for everything".

i want you to reread your post, and replace "bpd" with "the way she is".

because though you may not realize this, at the end of the day, thats what youre ultimately saying: "things would have been great, if she just werent the way she is".


forget about bpd for a moment. you have no reason to believe that any of those things about her will change, and, if youre going to go into this with eyes wide open, you shouldnt expect them to. you should factor any and all of it in to any future iteration of the relationship that you imagine, and plan around that. not pin your hopes on her getting professional help, and the bad stuff going away, while all the good stuff remains, and you live happily ever after.

the good things about the relationship, undoubtedly are a significant loss, and a great deal to grieve. but those things werent enough to save the relationship, and they wont save it next time, either.

they are flip sides. as good as the good things can be, you dont get one without the other (and you get a lot less of them as the relationship breaks down). ive talked about how its important to truly understand how the relationship broke down, and how, if possible, it can be fixed.

you didnt break up because of bpd. bpd traits pose unique and significant challenges to a relationship, just as my adhd poses to mine. ultimately, and i understand this may feel like a grotesque over simplification (i would have cursed out my screen if someone said it to me at this point), you broke up because you grew apart. you broke up because there were things about you both that you both had a hard time accepting, or couldnt accept, and the good things, the love, buckled under the differences between you.

although her feelings and perspective may be distorted or disproportionate, it isnt because bpd popped up and interfered or messed with her head or heart. its because, tragically, sometimes love isnt enough to overcome fundamental differences. even when those differences may at one time have brought two people together.


love is not martyrdom.

you can go to the ends of the earth, and figure out how to walk on the sun, and that will never make the two of you "meant to be".

but it will make for a codependent dynamic where one person feels one-down, self-loathing, and phony, and the other feels like either a hero or a zero.

if she has bpd traits, then she will have a lifetime of difficulty accepting or trusting love. thats vital to understand when it comes to loving someone with bpd. but whether she does or not? she no more has to accept your love than you have to prove it. its the old adage of driving a square peg into a round hole (thats a codependent relationship, in a nutshell). and it ends with two people wounded people that feel rejected, unheard, unseen, and resentful.

are the two of you a square peg and a round hole? or is there a way to fit together? was it instead, the wrong glue?

thats what you need to resolve. believe me when i tell you (and believe me when i say i understand its easier said than done) doing so will make your path far clearer, whether she returns or not. it is what the purpose of all of this time, and all of this limbo, are really for. it will hurt a lot if she doesnt respond to your letter the way you hope. it will hurt even more if she does, and the new relationship crashes and burns.

It's the two extreme ends that I'm talking about. If those were softer or lessened a bit, manageable and she wanted to keep working on herself and fighting for the relationship - I genuinely think that we'd have a stable, more or less normal relationship until the end. For example, it's not that I want her to seek therapy and just get rid of the splitting. I know that's not possible. But if she sought therapy that helped her manage her splits and dysregulation a bit that would be good enough for me. They'd still happen, sometimes she'll probably hurt me during them but if we could get together afterwards when she's calmer, talk about what went wrong and begin healing together afterwards I would have no issue with this. Even if it happened 99 times per month. I don't expect her to just change everything and be perfect for me. I want some realistic improvement, if that makes sense. On my part I would do everything I can for it, but I want her to fight for it too.



I really think we grew apart because of her BPD symptoms. Someone without BPD doesn't withdraw emotionally for no apparent reason without first talking about the things bothering them, trying to work on them and ultimately if things don't change - then a break up follows. But what happened to me is completely different. She in her own mind battled with this, lost, grieved the relationship for an unknown amount of time and only then decided to break up with me. Focused all her anger towards me and blamed me for everything (including things that were there before me). It's not that I think without her BPD everything would be perfect, but at the very least we would have worked on whatever problems arise before giving up. From my POV, I did all I could to fight and solve what little problems I was aware of and suddenly got blindsided with a break up, when seemingly things were on an upswing.


Yes, this was very unhealthy. I really did try to decrease this codependency as much as I could but I felt like it was completely out of my control and it just kept getting more intense.


As I said, I would deal with the BPD traits for as long as I have to if only she was of the same mind as me about it. It's impossible to both address the BPD symptoms AND her unwillingness to help me with it and herself.

I do think we can fit together, but I'm only one part of the glue. She needs to do her part as well, even if it's only a little for it to work. And it's not that she's unable to do it, she's very strong and a survivor. I really think it was unwillingness because of hopelessness and severe depression that ultimately lead to this.

I'm really trying not to expect anything to happen from the letter. Things are looking very grim to me, probably because I'm losing more and more hope with each day. It doesn't feel remotely realistic to expect even the smallest positive outcome.

The more time passes, the closer the anniversary gets - the worse I feel. I have never felt this depressed, alone and empty in my life. So many thoughts I have bouncing around in my head, but it feels pointless to get them out and write them here. I just painfully miss her. Trying to distract myself from thinking about her is almost useless. I lose more hope by the minute yet my mind is doing everything to seek some kind of reassurance, some kind of proof that it's not all over.

We are still posting on this "do whatever to have her back" topic.  Many are helping you to walk through this stressful in-between emotional time, that is, has it really ended or not?

With all the input on the message you might send, even if she responds positively at some point, there still a high risk the relationship will flame out again.  Your message may be a partial solution for now, but there would still be concerns about future months and years.

This is where long term meaningful therapy is so vital.  The huge unknown is that no one here knows whether your ex would start therapy much less stick with it and apply it throughout her life.

So be aware that whatever this short term outcome, you will need to shift to your future and be determined that it become overall positive, wherever you may go and whatever you may accomplish. :hug:

*mod* Locked thread due to reaching post limit. Splitting off into a new thread which you can find here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3059974.msg13224968#msg13224968