BPDFamily.com

It's been 2 months since our breakup.

Love bombing started the evening she called when her then BF broke up with her. Reason being he said she needs to "work on herself." That same evening she cried her heart out, I felt so sad inside and being a healthy empath I stayed on the phone for hours and this is when I realized I "thought" she deserved better. Quickly I was her FP, text all day and phone calls every night for 8 months. Often I wondered why she would still stay up til 230am when we made it a point to go to bed around 11 to get enough sleep, and she had work at 8am. Every morning she was exhausted when I called to wake her...
 
Our relationship was long distance, we both agreed it was worth a chance. 1.5 hrs away wasn't too bad, or so I thought. I laid some values out that I expect while dating.

- Please don't lie to me.
- Be honest & transparent.
- Stay loyal to me.

Granted there were red flags I looked past
The weekend I went to see her as a friend while openly admitting her r/s was rocky and was thinking it was over with him. We shopped, had lunch, went to the pool, had a romantic dinner, then she said something late night while our date was over, "I know I'll just end up hurting you." I was baffled, she said she often gets bored in relationships. I didn't think much of it, we just started to see one another. That same evening we talked for hours, leading her to climb in top of me and make out, telling me she'd have sex with me. I resisted the intimacy, but shared a few kisses with her. We both knew it was wrong and I told her maybe you need to tell your bf about this. Finding out later she never did.

So after many weeks of dating after her breakup, She agreed to all the values I believe in for a r/s and she asked me to be her bf after 1 month of dating.

All through our r/s she kept hiding communication with her ex. I found out and asked her to stop. She said I don't think you should be telling me who I can or can't talk to. After a few more arguments she said, I can see your side. I'm sorry, I'll stop. Blocking him, erasing his history, etc... I even asked her to tell him we are dating and to respect our r/s. Finding out she only unblocked him and talked to him for 8 months while with me. He even called one morning and I asked him why are you calling my gf? He said she never told me she was dating someone. Again another lie.

Finding more comparison notes of me and him. Items she had in her place that she said was from her family member. Another lie she carried on for months.

I asked her why won't she stop talking to him? She said he's still a human being and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I asked her would you have ever told me about this if I didn't find out? She said no, he doesn't mean anything to me.

Well she had a note in plain sight 6 months into our r/s saying she should break up with me and considering getting back with her ex. And just near that another item from him talking about how nice it was to embrace you and come up to your apartment on your birthday. (That time we were 2 months into dating) Again, lying to me saying she hasn't seen him since the breakup (6 months earlier).

Our constant arguing came to an end when she discarded me right before the holidays. Saying she needed space and time to herself to heal. Not a week later she's in photos with her Ex with the biggest smile on her face. That image shattered my heart into so many pieces. I will never forget that image. I tried talking to her for closure, but she eventually called 3 weeks later, sounding like someone I never talked to before. Telling me it was both equally our faults and she was just being stubborn.

Now, I'm seeing a therapist, but they have helped me realize I fell in Love with someone that doesn't exist. The mirroring, gaslighting, manipulation and discard has left me in shock and sadness. I often catch myself wondering why I didn't act and help myself when I saw some many red flags. She is undiagnosed, but after reading through this site and people's experiences I'm certain she has quiet BPD and NPD traits. Yet I'm left herr wondering was the whole r/s a lie? How much did she cheat and how much did she lie? She has no remorse or integrity and 'll never know because that trust is permanently broken and she can lie just as easily as blinking her eyes.

So sorry you're having to deal with this, but hang in with your therapist. There's a link between anxiety and believing things that aren't true, which is why the ciaos and drama someone with a PD creates, works well at getting people to buy into conspiracy theories. The F.O.G. of war does something similar. Time will heal and it sounds like you've figured it out - so real need to keep ruminating, but anxiety will keep that going.  :hug:

correction "so real need" should be so "NO real need to keep ruminating." sounds like you've figured enough out to keep yourself safe.