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Title: Am I enabling? Post by: Petra1115 on February 28, 2025, 10:06:23 AM So my uBPDs rage is not just with me. There have been interactions with many of my friends and family members now that caused them to enforce healthy boundaries. Sometimes these boundaries have meant completely cutting off contact with him or desiring minimal to no contact with him. I admire seeing people put up those boundaries. They just decide he isn't a healthy person in their lives. For me, I do have boundaries, but they are softer. I will express when something isn't right and when he's been out of line and I will take space from him in those moments; but I am soft and forgiving. Does my staying with him enable such behaviors? I think my having a gut sense that he has a mental illness along with my love for him and wanting to make things work allow for this space of my being more forgiving. Why would someone who doesn't know him well tolerate his rage or rude behavior? I don't want to enable; I really don't. I also feel like I can't help but have hope and compassion. Am I keeping him from healing, though? And am I also mentally ill to tolerate the verbal abuse and these rages? I know we attract who we are. I don't want to keep him from healing by making him feel like his actions are okay. Per a recommendation on this site, I just started the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist... How to end the drama" by Margalis Fjelstad. I identify with being the Protesting Colluder... Maybe the book will shed more insight into how I can be healthier in my relationship than I am currently. I definitely need a change and am here to gain insight and receive support in doing so.
Title: Re: Am I enabling? Post by: Jabiru on March 02, 2025, 01:04:38 PM It's great that you're reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist". It helped me a lot and I still read it every year.
What unwanted behavior of his do you think you're enabling? If it's his rage or rude behavior, I'd recommend making boundaries to protect yourself from that such as leaving the room and telling him you'll return in an hour so you can calm down. Thoughts? Title: Re: Am I enabling? Post by: Petra1115 on March 04, 2025, 09:19:24 AM Jabiru--
Thank you! Yes I am finding the book to be very insightful... and more action steps focused than other books I have read about BPD. I do make boundaries around the rages but they don't stop the rages from happening. Which makes me wonder if my simply staying with him makes him feel validated and think that raging is okay in the end, bc, after all, I am not leaving him. In other words, I wonder if the "consequence" is not strong enough to inspire a change. I know this is my piece to work out--the boundaries piece. Perhaps I need even stronger boundaries. Title: Re: Am I enabling? Post by: kells76 on March 04, 2025, 11:53:22 AM Glad the book recommendation from Jabiru was helpful, and that it gave you more action ideas vs just theory |iiii
I do make boundaries around the rages but they don't stop the rages from happening. As odd as this sounds... well, yes, exactly. Our boundaries are for our own protection (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0). They do nothing (directly) to impact the behavior, thoughts, feelings, or actions of others. It's kind of like having an umbrella. You can have an umbrella and open it when it rains. Opening the umbrella has zero impact on the rain... but it does protect you. If a boundary you have (a rule for yourself) is that you don't stay in the same room with someone who is raging, and then, when you're in the room with someone who is raging, you exit and go do something pleasant, and the person keeps raging alone... then your boundary is working -- because it's all about you making choices about what you allow into your life, and you having rules for yourself about what you're up for and how to protect yourself. Which makes me wonder if my simply staying with him makes him feel validated and think that raging is okay in the end, bc, after all, I am not leaving him. In other words, I wonder if the "consequence" is not strong enough to inspire a change. It's hard to say. We don't have any (direct) control over what someone else thinks, feels, or perceives. I'm not sure there's any perfect move we can do, that can guarantee that another person will "think correctly" about the situation. How does he respond (if at all) when you exit the room when he's raging? I know this is my piece to work out--the boundaries piece. Perhaps I need even stronger boundaries. What would that look like to you? Again, remembering that if he continues his behavior, that's not necessarily because you have weak boundaries. ... I will add that it's human nature that we respond to changes that others make. So it's not like there's no possibility that he'll "change his tune" after you follow your own new rules for yourself for a while. That's just what people often do. It's like if for a while my carpool driver was on time, but then for a few months was 5-10 minutes late, then even though technically the driver isn't "making" me do anything, my behavior will probably change (I want to be on time so I'll drive myself). The concept of extinction bursts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0) could be helpful as you learn more about boundaries and committing to following your own boundaries for yourself. Extinction bursts are a way that some people respond to boundary changes in others. It can help to know more about it ahead of time. |