BPDFamily.com

Yesterday I spent some of the day texting back and forth with my uBPDh. He was asking me to answer questions like how I am going to show him I love and respect him, what I've done in the past to show him that I appreciate him, how am I going to show him he can talk to me in the future, etc. I held it together all day, probably because it was over text and I responded with validation, no defensiveness and reassuring him I loved him, even sending a whole paragraph of the ways I feel I demonstrate my love for him after he asked me to.

When he got home, he layed on the couch and immediately raised his voice and told me I was deflecting all of his questions. He then proceeded to tell me instances over the past 24 years that proves to him that he has every reason to feel like I don't love him, have not appreciated him and don't respect him and that our relationship is basically over.

I hate to admit, but I completely lost my sh*t on him. The worst I've ever done in the most recent 6 months since his rages just started escalating and escalating. I yelled, I told him he was so hypocritical and pulled out my list of things I think about when he is telling me I don't love him, that are things he has done to me over the years, but that it doesn't mean to me that he doesn't love me, it just means he is imperfect. For every reason he gave me that I must not ever have loved him or respected him, I threw one back at him, yelling until my voice was hoarse. I was frustrated beyond anything I've ever experienced. I yelled at him to stop, multiple times, and by the end, he was yelling at me to stop.

He left to go into work thank goodness and stayed there much of the evening, but he was shocked at my outburst, and even told me I was 'emotionally dysregulated', a phrase I've been using with him for months when we talk and his voice starts getting louder and louder, I usually say, 'it sounds like emotions are becoming dysregulated, we should take a break'. Mine were absolutely dysregulated last night, I yelled back at him, 'they sure are, and how do YOU like it?'

I'm not proud of myself at all, in fact I was awake most of the night, and finally sent him a text this morning telling him I was sorry, and that I am no longer willing to engage in conversations about our past without the presence of a therapist, since our conversations seem to be getting worse and worse and making our relationship worse. He is almost daily saying now that he doesn't see us lasting, we should separate, divorce, etc.

My 22 year old daughter happened to be home from college this week and heard two arguments from her room. I can't even call them arguments, he just goes off on me and how I've never loved or appreciated him. While she couldn't hear what he was saying to well, she said it sounded like he was yelling and scolding me the whole time. She has not ever seen or heard him do this before and was very alarmed that he was treating me in that way. I think that may have played into why responded the way I did the next day.

Anyway, I guess I'm not looking for anything in particular, just a place to vent.

I can sympathise totally, having done exactly the same myself.. and I think probably all of us with a BPD partner have 'lost it' at some point and raged back. We're all human and not perfect.

You can't discuss anything logically with a BPD sufferer and that's the most frustrating thing; they will re-write history to suit themselves and ignore facts that are right in front of them so no wonder we can lose our cool at times and strike back. Even more annoying how they never remember the many times we're good to them but can drag up every time we supposedly mistreated them.

In my own case, I'd never heard of BPD and just assumed she had a bad temper and mean streak so if she kicked off I would naturally stand up for myself, always being the innocent one. Once you know about BPD you then learn that this doesn't work but it was far too late for me, I'd ended the relationship after years of suffering her abuse.

From what you say, setting a boundary of disengaging if he acts that way seems to be the best way to cope but don't beat yourself up for reacting as you did, BPD was certainly the hardest condition I've ever faced in anyone and would try the patience of a Saint.

Best wishes that things improve.