BPDFamily.com

So my ex girlfriend's birthday is coming up next week and I've been pretty torn. We haven't talked in 3 years and sort of reconnected this year, though she has said she misses me she keeps disappearing for like a month and then messaging me back. I've been trying not to let it bother me and I only message her to answer what she says to me. I also don't think she remembers my birthday but I remember everything about her. I'm afraid if I don't say anything to her on her bday she'll paint me black again but that may just be my brain freaking out over losing her again. The last time we talked was 2 thursdays ago when she messaged me to say her phone was broken. She hasn't answered me since and has gone dark the past 2 weeks again. I just don't know the best move here, I want to build a relationship with her again but I feel like she is just keeping me around for attention. I know she's talking to a few other guys too and I've already made a giant fool of myself the first break up. Should I just wish her a happy birthday, or should I just leave it alone, I don't really have it in me to compete for her. I also don't feel like she would choose me in a room full of guys, even though I'd always pick her out. I just don't want to look like a sucker.

I would wait a couple of days until after the birthday is over, then acknowledge it in a casual and friendly way.

Thank you for the advice, you think it’s still worth it to do so even though she hasn’t talked to me in 2 weeks?

I guess it all depends on what you're looking to get out of it.  I think if you build up your own personal expectations about how this back-and-forth will transpire and play out, you have to also consider that symptoms of her BPD could ruin a tender moment, or her fear of intimacy or belief that you're smothering her, etc. could work against you, even if your intentions are good, she might feel pressured in the moment and you could find yourself being ignored again, or even a victim of an outburst.

It seems like once you get too close to a pwBPD they will do anything to make sure you don't get that close again, because they're so afraid of that "intimacy," or they feel you are controlling them. The ironic part is many times they are the first people to push you forcefully into that closeness in the first place, which leaves you very confused. It's like someone doing everything possible to ensure you are their companion and then as soon as it's legitimized, they destroy it because they can't handle something they thought they wanted.

In my limited experience, I've had success with just backing off for extended periods and focusing on trying to date someone else who isn't as unpredictable and emotionally exhausting. You've got to watch out for yourself, too.

Think about this for a moment.  You broke up three years ago.  She's re-appeared but staying distant, talking to you and other guys as well.  She's also making lame excuses as to why she keeps disappearing.  That's literally the definition of "playing the field".

So let's flip this around.  What do you want to do?  If you want to wish her happy birthday, then go for it.  If you don't, then don't.  The only thing you shouldn't do is fret over this and try to second guess her mental illness.  Because by doing that, you're already fighting a losing battle.  It's impossible to try to rebuild a relationship that way.

I have a BPD daughter and a BPD ex-wife.  I've always wished them happy birthday regardless whether we were on good terms at that time or not.  Sometimes they responded, sometimes they wouldn't.  But for me and who I am, it felt right to show kindness...so I did.

I hope that helps!

So simple and straight to the point. If you want to do it then do it. However, only do it if you are not pining for her and expecting a response or secretly wanting some kind of connection in return. If you are doing it simply as a nice gesture and not hinging on a particular outcome...then there is nothing wrong with saying happy birthday.

However, if you have unresolved feelings and you have any kind of goal or expectation to come from it...don't do it.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

That in itself would be enough to stop me contacting her, no matter how much she says she misses you.

Think of how she has acted during your time together and also during the 3 years you've been apart. This is the way she is and without treatment she will stay this way, maybe even get worse.

Nothing wrong with wishing her a happy birthday but realise that it isn't going to change her one bit, even though I'm sure you're hoping for it to have some magical result and change her attitude towards you - we've all had that thought during our relationship with a BPD. It took me a long time to realise that nothing I did would change her.

If you still have feelings and want to be involved with her again - and it seems like you do - then be prepared for things to be exactly the same as they have been. Is this what you want?

Getting over a BPD relationship is very hard, but being in that endless and unpredictable cycle of conflict is even harder.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.