BPDFamily.com

Greetings,

Please kindly read and offer your thoughts. Currently, I don't feel that our son's needs require a residential treatment but surely at least outpatient. I am open to hearing about your experience and feedback. Thank you.

Our 25 YO son has NOT been diagnosed with BPD but, during the last 2 years, appeared to show a strong pattern of major BPD symptoms (emotional dysregulation, splitting, blaming us for abandonment so he distancing himself from us, black/white perception...). Twice, he expressed suicidal thoughts but never attempted, does NOT abuse alcohol/drugs, nor engaged in reckless behaviors. He lives responsibly on his own and plays lacrosse in a rec league but does not have close friends.  He is employed in a professional-level job and reports directly to his father (my husband). It's been difficult for my husband because of our son's periodic high-confrontation communication mannerism at the work place. In sum, in order to keep his job, our son has agreed to enter family therapy to address his emotional outburst issues and learn new communication tools that can help him appropriately express his negative emotions/thoughts/behavior. Ultimately, it'll be wonderful that he will eventually agree to receiving a psychiatric evaluation and focused treatments that tailored to his symptoms (that seem to mirror BPD). Right now, he seems unaware of the negative effects he has on his family and people he works with.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm sorry you guys are going through this, I have a 26 year old BPD daughter so this all rings true to me.

First, your son is responsible for himself and only he can decide when to seek treatment.  If he agreed to see a therapist...great...but that's not the same as realizing that he needs help.  It's just the first step.

Second, pushing for a diagnosis is logical...but a diagnosis is not the same as him realizing he needs help.  See the pattern here?  Nothing makes much of a difference until he makes that realization, and he's only going to do that when he's mentally ready.  Trying to push him to that conclusion only alienates you from his life and causes additional turmoil for everyone involved.

For your son to get better from a personality disorder, it is going to require many months of hands-on therapy where he's actively putting in the work to change.  For that to happen, he has to realize that he needs help, and he has to put in the effort.  That's a big ask for anyone.

Once that time comes, in-patient is the way to go...at least for the first few weeks.  But you're very far from that point currently and a lot of things need to happen first.

Why am I sharing this?  Because this is not a problem you can solve.  In fact, it doesn't have anything to do with you, even though you're mom.  This is deeply personal and something he has to conquer on his own, in his own time.  The problem is mental illness.  Remember that.  It is not your burden to fix him.

If this were my daughter, I would encourage the therapy and if she didn't take it seriously, I'd fire her from the position.  My kid would lash out at me, blame me for everything, and I'd tell her that I was not supporting her under those circumstances.  She's old enough to get a job on her own, and she's old enough to know that she shouldn't abuse dad when she wants something.  I'd force her to make those life decisions and deal with the consequences...because that's what will eventually help her reach the realization that she needs to consider getting help.

Spoiling her and babying her has the opposite effect, it's convincing her that she never needs to grow up or be responsible.

I hope that helps!