BPDFamily.com

Hi! I’m a 51 year old mom of 4, all 4 kids from our marriage. My husband has always been up and down and has taken a turn these last 2 years and become completely erratic and hurtful. I convinced him to go to a 30 day out of network residential program. They treat mental issues and substance abuse, which he has both. He’s been diagnosed as bipolar and most likely borderline bpd. I see almost all the traits in his past behavior, I was completely ignorant before if what bpd is. Anyway I’m ADHD inattentive myself. I have similar problems with coping and emotions but it’s mostly due to attention and some cPTSD but I don’t have the overwhelming emptiness. I just don’t know what to do with all of this. I would love to know if there are local support groups or any advice at all. I’m listening to the audiobook I hate You Don’t Leave Me and it’s definitely insightful. I just feel overwhelmed. He comes back in 3 weeks. The house is a mess because I’ve been listening to this book and crocheting as a way to self soothe. Plus I’m in perimenopause so I’ve been a hot mess. We had a fight 2 years ago that precipitated this episode.I attached him after building up all these years plus the hormones and driving and not dealing with my emotions. Hot mess over here! Thanks for reading. I want to feel seen but also any resources are great!

I should add in the last 2 years he’s paid for sexual favors, gone on cocaine’s and Xanax binges, and most recently that made me require him to go to treatment: he spent $14k on in-app purchases on a phone game. The game had tribes of people. He was a lesser of their tribe and spent money to upgrade their tribe to gain clout and recognition in the game. He was trying to be “good” after the sex and drugs behavior. I don’t think I can trust him again. Or I’ll have to verify his credit report every month to verify he have opened up new credit cards to do behaviors. Going bankrupt doesn’t do either of us any good

Hi there CrochetMom and *welcome*

You've certainly got more than a full plate right now, with your H's behaviors/diagnosis/treatment, your own ADHD/perimenopause, 4 kids in the house, and your new awareness of BPD. That's a lot to juggle, for anyone, so we're glad you're here and felt ready to share some of your story and get support.


I'm curious, how long have the two of you been married? How old are the kids, and are all 4 of them still living at home? How do they seem to be doing?


I'm guessing that he took a turn around the time of the fight that you mentioned, is that true? What was the fight about?


BPD plus substance abuse is... a lot. It's positive that he chose to attend the residential program, though. Are the two of you allowed to have contact with each other? Are you allowed to have contact with his team?

Did this program suggest that he has BPD? If so, do you know if he's accepting of the diagnosis, in denial, some other response? Some pwBPD really embrace the diagnosis and feel it as a relief; it just depends on the individual.


One great resource for a non-anonymous support group is the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/), which runs the free Family Connections Program (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/). It typically runs 12 weeks online (there are some shorter versions) and when I attended (due to my husband's kids' mom) I found it very helpful and understanding. There is a waitlist; my wait was ~7 months, so I'd recommend signing up now for sure. If your H also struggles with suicidality, they have a Managing Suicidality & Trauma Recovery Program (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections-managing-suicidality-trauma-recovery/) that may have a shorter waitlist.

Another resource is the National Alliance on Mental Illness (https://www.nami.org/), which offers free support groups either virtually or in person in the USA. While I haven't participated in their offerings, and they're not BPD-specific, I have heard they are reputable and well regarded.

I'm also curious if you have a therapist or counselor for yourself?


Relationships where BPD is involved tend to need healthier boundaries than non-BPD relationships can get away with. That can include in the area of finances. It sounds "normal" to have shared accounts, yet like you mentioned, nobody is helped when you're "nice" and "let him" have that shared responsibility.

It's not easy introducing true boundaries (which are rules for ourselves, not others) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0) into our lives; it's a big change for us and for our loved ones, who can sometimes respond with extinction burst behavior (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0) at first before settling down.

I wonder if it could help to focus on learning more about just those two areas, for starters -- learning about real boundaries, and preparing yourself for any extinction burst-type behaviors. There's so much to learn about BPD, and so many nuanced, unintuitive, and helpful tools and skills to build -- don't feel like you have to take it all in in one day. One step at a time will get you there  |iiii

My guess is that things didn't get to this point overnight. Your relationship dynamics developed over time; it'll take time to turn things around. And it will be difficult at first; change is hard... but it can be very worth it.

Anyway, glad you're here, and feel free to fill us in some more, whenever you have a moment;

kells76

Thank you for these resources! I really appreciate it and knowing I’m not alone.