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Dealing with a lot of emotions right now. I’m in a new place I haven’t been which is I actually left the house when I said I would.

This episode started yesterday towards the end of marriage therapy. This is the third session with a new therapist. It hasn’t been going well… twice the therapist has told my wife she should seek individual counseling to address some of her underlying issues. My wife is flat out said no if that’s not gonna happen. In the session yesterday towards the end, the therapist basically said this isn’t working, after three times the same thing keeps happening and said moving forward she thinks this means to be the plan. Which is my wife will need to get counseling on her own to talk talk through Her anger, issues, and emotions and the catastrophizing she does quite a bit. They offered to set her up with a therapist at the center there, and I could keep coming back as well for my own individual. She said after a few sessions will come back together and see how things are to work as a couple.

Seems very reasonable, when we left, my wife was completely triggered and couldn’t believe the therapist treated her like that. She says the therapist kicked us out of couples therapy and she was even more mad that I did not stick up for her! She said I should’ve stood up to the therapist when she kicked us out of therapy, but I said I’ve suggested the same thing for us so I don’t think it’s a bad idea for us to get our own counseling (I’m already currently seeing my own therapist.)

My wife went drinking for a few hours, then came home and circular conversation started. About everything and nothing, she got triggered by something else I said, of course, but then amazingly she decided she was gonna go lay down in bed early. Great I thought. I go to bed later and she’s asleep so I quietly sneak in and get myself to see as soon as I could. Apparently, at some point during the night she left and went to the spare room, but I didn’t hear her. Because the next thing I knew and deep in my sleep is our bedroom door slammed incredibly loud. It scared the living hell out of me. I drove it awake, I found out later our daughter got scared too, and didn’t know what was going on. It was so loud. She was obviously trying to illicit a response and wake me up. I sleepy got up, trying to figure out what was going on in my wife was now outside in the Jeep saying she needed to drive to go get marijuana because she couldn’t sleep and couldn’t calm down. She was in a very extremely heightened state of aggression. I remain calm and talk softly, trying to tell her she should come in and just try to lay down. There are a lot of things thrown at me over that five or six minutes. She told me many times how I ruined her life, she hated me, a few other, really great insults. But the final and greatest win of all was when I said why don’t you just come inside to the bedroom and I’ll move my stuff and go sleep in the spare room. Her response to me was  “  WANT YOU DEAD. That’s what’s going through my head. At least I’ll get the money”

She was drunk, and I try to remember the words from the various BPD books that she’s not in her right mind. But holy that really hurts and was a little scary. I’m not gonna lie. But I still went into the bedroom and let her talk to me for two hours And get me up till 2 AM.

Thank God, she went to work this morning. We had plans this afternoon and tonight to take our daughter out to meet friends. She had texted my daughter that she couldn’t take her. I told my daughter I would take her, that’s not a problem. I had no intention on spending any time with my wife today, I need space after all that. My wife gets home and she’s upset, seems remorseful and is crying. I told her I’m gonna take our daughter to meet the friends as planned. My wife, cries and bags, she threatens moving out, she cries and tries to manipulate me by saying she doesn’t feel safe and she’s gonna hurt herself if I leave. She says if I leave, I’m abandoning her in our marriage. I keep reassuring her that I love her, but I need space and time to process all this. And I gave her the choice. I said either she can take her daughter or I will.  I did let that go on for almost an hour, where my wife was throwing a crying tantrum like a four-year-old.

I got upset at the end because she had upset my daughter so much that my daughter now wouldn’t go. But I felt I had to stick by what I said I was gonna do so I left. I told my wife I was going to leave and will be back later tonight. Radio silence right now, but I can tell in our internal security cams that she started drinking right after I left, and she has not ate any food. So I’ll see what the rest of the night holds…

This is the first for me, I’ve never actually followed through with leaving. But I am kind of living with this fear of what she’s gonna do when I get back. But I know I have to be equally strong and if she starts up again, I just may have to leave.

There are two compounding factors here- one is your wife's mental illness and the other is the alcohol and drugs, which I think in this situation is a form of "self medication" for the emotional issues.

I am not surprised at the outcome of the marriage counselor suggesting your wife needed her own therapy. She was correct but due to the nature of BPD- your wife felt like a victim, you were expected to rescue her ( that is also dysfunction) and then your wife went on to handle her feelings in the way that worked for her. Your D got pulled into this - and when you took care of your D, this escalated for your wife.

I think it's fair to give marital therapy a try. Most people would want to feel they have done all they possibly can to help the situation, and this is one possibility. I also think you've seen the results and now know it's not something that will work in your situation. A therapist can not help someone who  isn't able or willing to do the work with them.

I think your walking out to be alone is a form of self care. Sleep is also a basic need. The only suggestion I have for you is to continue with your own therapy, and  CODA. The dynamics with alcohol are similar to the dynamics with BPD in a family so it can help you to cope with those. It will not, however, treat your wife's BPD. This is who she is.

When your wife is having one of these episodes, in the moment, logic, talking, doesn't work with her. Your trying to "calm her down" didn't work. Giving her ultimatum- take your daughter or you will, didn't work. This is a "feeling projection" on her part. It's a difficult situation but it is what it is.

You are in a terrible situation. It is clear that your wife cannot be reasoned with. You are giving her everything you can possibly give her, yet still she is mad. No matter what you do you will be wrong in her eyes. Have you done research on how to communicate effectively with someone with BPD?

I recommend the book I hate you, don’t leave me. It outlines methods of communication. When communication does not work the recommended thing is usually to leave or to get the person emergency help if they are a danger to themselves or others. The priority is your safety and your daughter’s safety, and your wife’s. It sounds like your wife is rapidly approaching a moment of crisis. She may choose to be serious about healing herself, or she may continue down the path of self victimization. Nothing you can do will make her choose what’s right. All you can do is protect yourself and your daughter, and continue to be firm that your wife needs help.